I'm Ok

Questioning the answer I’ve given allot lately. This is my confessions. Sometimes I lie to myself and say I'm ok. Most of the time I lie to others when I say I'm ok. The truth is I’m not ok, sometimes I just want to scream until I pass out. Sometimes I wish I had the balls to say, I'm not ok. I am twenty-seven years old and I just found out it is ok, to not be ok. I am now more aware of mental health. For years things I have felt I could not speak on. Due to my past, I was doomed at the age of 6 l. By the time I was 13 I had 3 sexual abusers haunting not only my dreams but my everyday life. Having to live in the world alone because I couldn’t trust anyone my mindset matured and my childhood was left behind quickly. I’m ok. I have repeated to myself through the years with tears running wild like ocean water down my face. I eventually blocked out my trauma enough to fail myself again. I trusted someone who I thought was an older brother figure to me. He became my 4th sexual abuser and yet I still have to continue to be Ok and remain a functional mess. But I’m proud to say I’m a step closer to being better because I acknowledge it. I know now that all those times I was not ok but I do want to be better than ok and that starts with the truth. I told my mom and dad what happened to me on December 2, 2021. I’m proud of myself. I came so far when I thought I would get nowhere. Some would say I was cursed because I now I'm a lesbian. But I do NOT think my sexual preference is based on what happened to me. In fact, I believe my sexuality is a blessing because I don't think a male could give me the love that was stolen from me the very first time my innocence became someone's option. The woman I fell in love with gave me the will to live honestly now more than ever now that my secret is out. It has been 6 years and throughout everything, she sits here comforting me using my love language and I cringe at the physical touch of anyone but welcome her's I am enveloped in peace. Saying what happened to me out loud is something I didn't think I would survive to do. I have social anxiety and can only be around certain people as well as if I do have people in my presence it's a limited amount of time. Now that I brought you up to speed with a few things that are going on in my life can you understand why I am now buckling down on my mental health, working on being around a family who should now see through my unauthentic smile, but has only shown me reasons why dealing with this alone could still be better. Both routes I have chosen are extremely difficult if I survived endless torture from others and myself for 21 years I think I owe it to myself to Live in my truth. I don't understand others' thought processes when it comes to this topic in but I can say there is no handbook on how to survive. There is no time frame on when you can speak your truth. Since the day you were born it was always supposed to be on our time and when we were ready. If you read this please understand it’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to feel how you feel and express yourself. It’s ok to still have hope and try again.