I Kicked a Girl and Didn't Like It
Not my proudest moment ever.
This is not the easiest thing I've ever published to Vocal, but I lose count of the times I've said or thought that.
I can't quite remember how old I was, but it was when I was still in primary school, so it was likely before I was 11. So, young.
There was this family that lived across the road from our little bungalow. I am trying to remember if there was a dad, but the mum and all three daughters were overweight. As an adult, I have no issue with overweight people at all. Sadly, though, as I can't even remember their names, that was their defining quality. I'm not proud of that.
They were annoying, though. Perhaps it was that they were girls and we, the other kids I played with on our street, were boys, or maybe they were just annoying. I always remember them being especially loud and bossy.
I hold no malice for them, though, and have never seen them since we moved to another house not far away from that one or in any of the many decades that have passed.
Anyway, back to the confession. One day in the summer, the weather had been surprisingly good (I lived at the time in Scotland, where I live now, for some context), and many of us kids were out playing and messing about.
Everything was fine until the three sisters came out. I could feel there would be some trouble; sure enough, they were being loud, bossy, and insulting, though harmlessly.
The youngest called me an idiot (I cannot remember what I was doing at the time that called for that, but given that I was under 11, I was probably acting annoying and foolish).
It pissed me off, so without thinking, I lashed out with my foot, and it landed south of her belly. I hope I do not need to draw a picture or show it on a teddy bear where I hurt the poor girl.
She cried, and then her sisters started shouting for their mum. The other kids were either laughing or teasing me about how much trouble I was in.
The last thing I saw before legging it up the hill was her mum coming out of their front door.
I am not a violent person. I am guilty of so many horrid and nasty things; there are TikToks about me without the TikTokers personally knowing me.
However, this is probably the most violent thing I have ever done to someone of the opposite sex, without their consent, at least.
It was just a stupid knee-jerk thing; kids do things they don't always think about. So, I've learned to live with it, but I wish I had not done it. I am not proud of it, and it still haunts me.
I am not the best at confrontation or facing up to things. My reaction is something that has come to be my go-to at times when things get tough. This is something I'm working on. But back then, I wasn't working on it.
I did what I often do best and ran away. I ran up to the top of the hill our houses were on to hide until the drama settled, or at least they had disappeared back into their house so I could sneak into mine.
It was then that I had a profoundly weird experience.
When I reached the top of the hill, there was a large grassy mound on one side of the road and houses on the other. As I was a bit fidgety and worried that people would come searching for me, I wandered back and forth along the pavement beside the grassy mound. I did this several times; pacing is one of my coping mechanisms.
I noticed a young, small girl alone, just at the bottom of the mound.
We didn't say anything to one another the first few times I wandered by her until she broke the silence and said something like "Hi" or "What's wrong?".
The next thing I remember, as my memory is a bit ropey these days, was sitting beside her and telling her what had happened without giving details. She then tried, like some wise old thing, to suggest that "your friends will realise you didn't mean it, and it will be forgotten by the time you get back down; it was just an accident."
I want to make clear that this girl was about 6 or 7.
After some more pacing, I then headed back down the hill. Everyone had returned to their houses, and I went back into mine. I can't remember if there was any fallout from the incident, which probably means there wasn't.
The strange thing is, as time has passed, and at 43 now, I am not even sure if the girl was real. I never saw her again, which I felt was odd because I did venture up that hill a lot with friends. We weren't in the same age group, so we were unlikely to encounter each other. Part of me feels that she was real, but then there is this small part of me that thinks she was some fabricated personage that my brain concocted to help me deal with my worries.
Who knows?
*
Thanks for reading!
About the Creator
Paul Stewart
Scottish-Italian poet/writer from Glasgow.
Overflowing in English language torture and word abuse.
"Every man has a sane spot somewhere" R.L Stevenson
The Accidental Poet - Poetry Collection is now available!
https://paulspoeticprints.etsy.com
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Comments (38)
Sounds like a learning moment to me. Sometimes we learn much more from our worst moments than our best ones. Well written, thanks for sharing.
Congrats for top story
The internal punishment for a violent act is strange, isn’t it? How one act can change the entire trajectory of a life.
Sir Paul, where art thou? You've been missing from FB and I've missed your writing! Anyway, I understand why you did what you did. At times, I'm impulsive like that too. It's like a defence mechanism. Also, I'm so proud of you for repenting and owning up to what you did. This must have been difficult to write. Congratulations on your well deserved Top Story! Question. Why are there many TikToks about you without the TikTokers personally knowing you?
Congratulations on Top Story, my friend!! This is such an honest, heartfelt one ❤️
Terrific confession!!! Congratulations on T S too!@!💖💖💕
I think the mystery girl is a great premise for the Micro fiction challenge. Just throwing it out there. Congratulations on Top Story!
Kids do have these knee jerk reactions, but it seems as if you are working on this as an adult. Good on you for having the courage to fess up and take ownership of this mistake. We all make them.
Paul, small children are not as able to hold their feelings back. we've all done things like that.❤️ i am intrigued about the line the most violent thing i have done to someone of the opposite sex without their consent...🤔
Paul, I really appreciate your honesty in this one. I like your writing too, but your openness gives your writing this youthful forthrightness that is profoundly interesting to read and very true-to-form for this story. Well-done. Am I off-base here that it might almost have been better for you to have been caught/busted/gotten-into-trouble on the day of this fateful event, rather than carrying around this guilt for so long? What are your thoughts on that? We're all shits when we're kids. It's just a question of degree. Doesn't mean we don't traumatize one another, which is sad and unfortunate that it happens... but there's a beauty to the chaos of the way a kid grows up. Life is always happening the-way-it-is for a reason. You seem to be genuinely contrite that this happened. You're one of the good ones. Hoping you can find it in your heart to let yourself off the hook for this one soon. (*Context Note* For anyone reading this who may get the impression I am making light of childhood trauma. A large portion of my adult life has been spent in seeking to overcome the bullying, abuse, and trauma I experienced as a child. Please know that my words are coming from the perspective of one-who-has-survived. Not one who has never known.)
That girl at the top of the hill… so wise and intense for a 6-7 year old! I feel we all do things we aren’t proud of as kids, but we learn and don’t do them as adults because we realize the idiocy or ignorance or just plain negativity the behavior brings. Thank you for sharing! Congratulations on top story
Thanks for sharing Paul. I think we all have a memory like this.maybe it’s fuzzy because we try to forget? Congratulations on a great Top Story.
Memories of our youth are fragmented, it is how we feel from them that counts. Great Top Story
When we make mistakes, we learn from them. Sometimes it helps us to learn about who we do not want to be. Great job on getting top story!
Congratulations on Top Story ❤️🌹💐🎉🎉🎉🎉
Congrats on the TS
Congrats Paul...thanks for being so open about something you regret. it's great to think we are being watched over and guided (counseled) by something bigger than us <3
Oooh I wonder if she was real or if she was your conscience🤔🤷🏼♀️ And congrats on top story!
We've all done things we weren't proud of, but that's what helps us grow. Thank you for sharing this story. It clearly struck a chord.
Great story, thanks for sharing. I think we all have things like this that we’re not proud of. The fact that you’re able to confess to it and reflect on it though just goes to show how much better of a person you’ve become. Love the pun you went for with the title too haha
a most charming confession my friend surely enjoyed the read 😊
This was on my list to read this week! Congrats on top story! Your title was great. I absolutely have stories of regret like this- don't we all!? Those stories that wake us in the night and we start to sweat. lol! I think writing about it was a super brave step in letting it go. The words of that little girl were exactly what you needed, and very well could have been a vision to help you with your big feelings at that age! Great story, Paul!
I'm glad the title turned out to be a true statement, lol :) Don't we all have those stories we reflect on that just kind of stick with us? And yeah, I wonder too about that little girl you spoke with. As we age, sometimes parts of those memories are just a bit too fuzzy to know what the truth was. A wonderfully honest piece to share. Congratulations on your Top Story :)
Fantastic work!!! Well done....
Excellent stuff and congratulations on your Top Story