I am the PROBLEM!

My therapist asked me once or twice if I thought that I was the problem... or at least one or two of the therapists over the past 13 years asked me that.

The answer varies based on how I am feeling... and recently I asked my therapist if I was allowed to say no.

Here is my dilemma: Everyone has problems, so isn't it being untruthful to say no I am not the problem?

It really depends on the situation. My current situation/discussion is regarding relationships.

When I was dating a guy who had majorly disrespected me and told him that I was done with our relationship, so he slit his wrists and told me that it was my fault as the blood spilled onto the floor... that he couldn't live without me... was I the problem?

My instant response is yes. If I hadn't have broken up with him, he wouldn't have felt like he wanted to die.

But, let's break that down. I broke up with him because he got drunk and verbally abusive. I never told him that he should kill himself. His feeling was his to own and by saying it was my fault, I am owning something completely out of my control.

I can control my responses, my choices, and my life. Even when it doesn't feel like I can control anything and my emotions are running rampant, it is still my job to make choices to strive for the life I want.

I wish that I could tell you that I held my boundary and walked away, hoping that he would get better...

But, I didn't. I got back together with him with the promise that he wouldn't do that ever again.

Guess what? It did happen again... and again... and again... and when I finally walked away the last time, he called my place of work threatening to kill me and my co-worker... because if he couldn't have me, no one could... and then allegedly threatened the cop who responded.

The getting back together and breaking myself down to be what he wanted me to be... that was my fault and my choice.

I didn't think anyone would love me for me.

Fast forward several years and a similar situation happened with a different guy.

Only this time, he didn't slit his wrists. He threatened to shoot himself in the head.

Did I respond differently?

In some ways, yes, as I had more than just myself to think about for safety, and in other ways, no, as I still ended up taking him back and tried to change myself into someone who wouldn't make him want to end his existence.

Did it help? No. I merely become a shell of who I remember being... and history repeated itself again, if not worse than before.

I kept making excuses because the phrase "if you hadn't done xyz, then I wouldn't have done abc..." made sense to me as there are always cause and effect.

If my actions caused threat of harm, than my actions are wrong, right? That means that I am the problem, right?

But, when we break it down backwards, it sounds a lot differently.

I want to kill myself because you cleaned out my truck and found out that I hadn't followed through on my promises... and this is a great way to avoid accountability.

I want to kill myself because you refuse to be spoken to when I am drunk and verbally abusive and bragging to my friends about private matters... and this is a great way to manipulate you into staying with me as I tell you that my blood is on your hands.

It wasn't my fault... for anything other than taking responsibilities that were not mine to take on.

I have felt like I am cursed... as I keep causing those around me to desire to end their precious lives.

But... I could never figure out what was wrong with me... I gave them all everything that they said they wanted: my heart, my body, my future, my dreams, my hopes... and it simply wasn't good enough.

Now I wonder if it is even good enough for me.

The woman who was so happy to make $0.11 in a month from writing stares back at me screaming something I cannot hear. Is she still who I am?

The woman who wanted a homestead with gorgeous flower beds and a simple life stares back at me... holding her hand out like I should take it... Is she still who I am?

The girl who told her mom that she never needed a man to show her her worth is shaking her head at me. Is every burst of confidence and happiness gone and dead because of my choices?

The woman who got awards in college for business skills in the top 5% and who found her voice has tears rolling down her cheeks... as I chose to not be her who threatened my man's masculinity.

Looking forward I see glimpses of who I could be...

Black hair, dark personality... doesn't care what anyone thinks because everyone hates her anyway.

Crazy person locked away from everyone so that she will no longer make anyone want to kill themselves...

Strong woman who does what needs to be done because no one is coming to rescue her and though she wouldn't mind the company, she does not need rescued... but people think she is a stuck-up female dog? Maybe... or maybe that was simply another lie like "if you wouldn't have had self-respect, I wouldn't have needed to threaten to end my life."

I have choices... and control over who I become. It takes a lot of work. But, buckling down and striving for my goals one day at a time has already paid off with:

• a house of my own (as my step-dad pointed out, I am ahead of a lot of people in being able to own my own home before 30)
• a few awards
• a service animal (who is currently kinda mad at me)
• 3 published books
• 2 wonderful kiddos
• a few close friends

What else can I achieve if I just stop taking responsibility for other people's choices? Who could I be if I focused on what I want my life to look like and simply did the steps? Could I find happiness again without becoming so jaded that I couldn't handle anyone else coming to walk beside me eventually?

I don't know.

But, what I do know is this: I gave all of myself to guys who didn't go all in. It is time for me to give myself - my hopes, my dreams, my future - all of myself to myself.