I Am Not Fun Anymore.

Everyday I’m getting older, everyday brings more mistakes. leaving the way I did was a way of saying fuck you. It was my final act of rebellion, my way of asserting my identity and my independence. My old friends told me that I am no longer fun anymore and I laughed but the longer I think about it the less funny it became. It became a very odd thing to think about, I lived in a place were if I died it would definitely shock people but they wouldn’t be surprised that was when I knew that I needed to change.

I was 21 and it wasn’t cute anymore. I didn’t have the want or need to party anymore. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to survive, I wasn’t really concerned with me not being fun. I felt that after my ex boyfriend overdosed, that I needed to get my life together. I didn’t realize how suffocating that apartment was until I left, but I still couldn’t breathe knowing I left him behind. How do you just get up and deal with the fact that there is a last time for everything. There was a last time you sat on your grandpas shoulders and there was a last time your mom tucked you into bed. there’s going to be a last time you kiss your sister on the head and there is going to be a last time you hug your best friend. There is going to be a last time you feel exactly as you feel right now and there is going to be a last time that person says I love you.

I never meant for any of this to happen. The person who I thought was my soulmate died and my grief was too much for the rest of my friends to stick around. I left my hometown and a part of me still feels stuck there, the best part of me. I don’t think people realized that changing wasn’t something that I wanted. I changed. His death made me learn more about myself and why I was doing what I was doing. I miss the person I used to be. I miss NYC. I knew that i needed to become someone who could have saved him. I wanted to stay but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to take it for much longer. When I think about that time I realize that I wasn’t really there for the end of it.

I remember someone saying “The sooner you embrace it, the sooner it will leave you”. I tried to understand how this could all happen. I don’t even think that I could be that person anymore. I don’t think she exists. She died when he did. His mom still calls me. I don’t really know what to say. I tell her that I am fine but I think she knows I’m lying. When really i’d lose everything to see him one more time. It breaks me to miss him but it’s worse to know that drugs are the reason he is never coming home. I still call that city home even though I haven’t lived there since he died but it was the last home where we were both here. Whenever his mother calls I feel sorry for myself until I remember her kid is not alive. I understand why I changed. I had too. I really think that it would have been me next. I Felt like I was underwater and to this day I swear I can see him everywhere. I am finally okay with not being fun.