Hiding Asperger's Syndrome

Everyone has something they hide from the world. It may be a good idea to build a life on top of hiding something that makes you feel incomplete from the world around you. That hasn't been the easiest task for someone like myself. Growing up I did have my deal of hardships; being bulled for my height to developing trust issues when it came down to my first real relationship. I always tried to find some sort of blame because I was indeed hiding the truth of what may cause my life to be one heck of a rollercoaster. That secret was my mild case of Asperger's Syndrome. Asperger's is a form of autism. Some qualities may include having a very high intellectual state but not being so intuned with emotions. This was a life that I was trying to hide from the world and later on from myself.

I used to take some time to myself to reflect on what probably was the start of my Asperger's. I knew that at a young age I learned to read and write, so that took my education to a much higher standpoint than most. I really did care about my education and this lead to a target iso n my back all because I was just too smart for my own good. It was hard for me to socialize and make friends because of this and I was not into what most kids were at the time. Still to this day, nothing has really changed. I still have my own likes, dislikes, and hobbies that may be weird and sometimes annoying to most people, but that's what I consider as "my normalcy".

I kept a small circle of friends at one point in time and even they don't understand how my life works around Asperger's, but this was intentional because I truly did not want to be a loner. Now that I'm older and my circle starts to shrink I sometimes wonder if I'm a burden and this only leads to my emotions being out of control. By this I mean the knawing thought of realizing you don't have that one person to call you or send you funny memes anymore all because of the mistakes you made in the past. You may move on with life but the thought of being a burden is still there.

My family was not much different either. Most of my family members had no knowledge of my form of autism and others thought it was a way to just throw the "go see a counselor" card in my face and then go on about their day. My motives were to keep to myself or even just spend time by myself out somewhere are ridiculed just because I wasn't involving others. Mind you, most people with Aspergers do have to see being social as a challenge so being in my own space should not be seen as judgemental or harsh. To make things more damming, I never felt like I was truly a part of a "family". Going back and forth from city to city for 4 years did do a really good number on how I saw life. While everyone around me would be able to sit and watch a movie, I was busy studying for my next exam or even just staying to myself and reading or listening to music. My "absence" was seen as not being involved when it was just really my way of shutting myself away from those who don't accept me authentically being me.

So there it was set in stone, having to create this persona to hide what made me who I am now. Hiding my Asperger's was like creating an alter ego for myself. One that was not afraid to be outgoing or have the new attractive appeal that would blossom to everyone around me. I was slightly promiscuous not caring about the repercussions of relationships until the aftermath led to my heart being broken. My appearance went from Betty to Cheryl in a matter of years (Riverdale reference). I was morphing only to keep what made me unattractive hidden from the outside world because I honestly thought nobody would like the music I listen to or the clips I would watch out of boredom.

Everything I believed was okay for how I lived my life and I was on the edge when I was not on the same wavelength as other women my age. I felt as if I was missing something like my first car or my first apartment just to feel normal. I always felt as if I longed for a life where I was protected or safe to be myself with the type of autism and not feel like it's a one-way street.

I don't know how to face Asperger's, but I know that I have to be okay with just being authentic with myself and how I live my life from here on out so 2022 better watch out!