Haven Circle

It was late June of 2018. My ex fiancé and I had gotten into another of our explosive, albeit pointless arguments. I can no longer recall what it was about. Before he could walk out on me for the third time that week and disappear into the woods for hours, I stole out the door to do exactly that myself. It was about a ten minute leisurely walk to the maintenance entrance of the state forest; I thought aloud and cried while I walked. What had I gotten myself into? Within a year, paradise had turned to nightmares. I couldn’t do this anymore, but how could I live without him? I needed him. I pushed away the bad thoughts.

The frogs and crickets were humming a steady tune, with birds and other animals chiming in sporadically. The sun was just above the tree line, sneaking through in thin strips of sparkle. I allowed my feelings to slip away as I listened and observed more intently. Focusing on my surroundings seemed to help me forget my woes. When I came to the entrance, I paused for a moment and inhaled deeply. The afternoon air smelled of pine, soil, and violets. I thought to myself that I should come out here more often. I started along the trail and reminded myself to stay mindful, to take everything in.

I walked for an amount of time I can no longer define; it must have been quite a while for a chill had joined the summer breeze. The forest was mostly pine and fern, with some oak and birch mixed in, and a wide array of small plants scattered about. The early summer flowers were in bloom, violets, posies, petunias. There were deer and rabbits crossing my path every now and then, and so many more of them in the woods beyond the trail. The forest was alive. Just as I was preparing to turn around, having calmed myself down enough to talk and hoping my partner had done the same, I saw something unique that caught my eye. It was a perfectly round ring of birch trees. There was nothing growing between them but grass, which was tall and soft. It was about eight feet across, I think. I felt so connected to this place; I breathed its energy and touched my palms to the trees one by one. I gathered dead branches from the circle and it’s surrounding area and I weaved them around and between the trees, enclosing my new haven. After about an hour of work, I was satisfied.

I stepped inside of my freshly constructed space and took off my shoes. I sat in the grass and put my hands in it. That was the first time I knew I would leave him. I didn’t know when, or exactly why, but in that moment I knew it wasn’t forever. I wish that had stopped me from trying to make it be. I decided I needed more time to myself and sat and meditated there until the sun began to set.

I trying believe that that was the day I started to find myself. I would still be lost for a long while, and I’m not totally done yet, but that was the start. I visited that private space every week, at least, for the remainder of my time living there. I still go back sometimes, even though that chapter of my life is over. I never maintained it, so now my low branch-walls are just a part of the underbrush again. I quite enjoyed being able to watch Mother Nature take the back.