Starting Over

He kissed me and I started crying. “I just don’t think this is working anymore,” I whimpered.

He scooted back and said, “I know.”

“I love you so much. I just need to be able to be myself, entirely. I thought that I could give up being polyamorous because I want to be with you so badly, but it’s who I am. I’m tired of feeling guilty all the time and cutting off my friends because I start having feelings for them.”

He looked down; it was a year before he looked back into my eyes. “I want to spend my life with you.”

“But will you still want to spend your life with me when I have another partner?”

“I don’t think I could ever be okay with that, honestly. I think it’s a beautiful idea but it makes me so uncomfortable.” He grabbed my hands, and I watched tears roll out of his eyes. I felt a warm pain in the center of my chest.

“You’re my favorite person in the world. You’re my best friend. I want to be in your life forever, but not like this. It isn’t working anymore.” It was the truth. The relationship was volatile. We were codependent. There had been so many trials: arguments, injuries, a car accident, losing foster kids, moving, breaking our engagement, suicide attempts, and so much more. It was great when it was good, but when it was bad it was awful.

He’s a great man, a loving, caring person. I still miss him every minute I’m not near him. I couldn’t be with him knowing that I’m not what he needs. I knew he wouldn’t leave me; he’s too kind to others and not kind enough to himself. He deserves all of the love the world has to offer him.

I’ve decided to take this time to figure myself out. I’m not really too sure about who I am. I know some of the things I want in life: to be an author, to be famous, to have children, and to love freely. I want to figure out some real solid goals surrounding those dreams.

I need to learn to be self-sufficient. I depended on my partner for so long, I never really took care of myself financially at all, not until now. I’m really scared but also really excited. I’m going to create an amazing life for myself.

I started a new job at a marketing firm on the 18th. My second day is this upcoming Thursday. I already really like it; it’s a fantastic environment and I think I’m going to be really good at it. I’m planning to build myself a schedule around my job to keep myself productive. Depression often drains my motivation.

I’m looking forward to this next chapter and I have hope that it’s going better.

This new job I’ve started is really great. It’s a friendly but competitive environment, and I’m really good at what I do. I don’t think I’d be able to focus on it as well if I were still in a relationship; my relationship was too volatile for that.

Since the end of the relationship, my intuition has been at an all time high. I’ve been *feeling* things really strongly. A friend said he needed to talk to me and I knew what it was about immediately. I had a thought to tell my friend in the Animal Kingdom that his favorite animal should be there, and he said he had just seen them. I’ve known I was going to make a sale before I even started talking to the customers.

I think this is largely due to my newfound self-focus. The past few days have been hard for me, but it has also been really eye-opening. I haven’t been single since before high school, so I’ve never really had an opportunity to be completely focused on myself.