Happy New Year

Happy new year everyone! I hope everyone had a fun and safe one! Mine didn't go quite as planned, as my family came down with a cold. I did however finish the Supernatural series. I had prolonged finishing it for years for many reasons but one was I just didn't want it to end. It actually felt incredibly fitting to finish it on this particular New Years Eve. I closed out a lot of my past in 2023, so many ties that should have been closed out long ago. I am trying to be as optimistic as I can about the upcoming year.

First day of the year was yesterday, and there was already family drama. Of course the start of any year doesn't guarantee change right away and there's always going to be positive and negative, but all I could think of was the irony of the timing. I do have my new job starting at some point, so I am just trying to focus on that. I am try to work on having more patience this year and not rush everything like I normally do. This will be a tough one but I know that I can do it. Not stressing over all I can't control has always been a challenge for me, but right now pretty much everything seems so out of my control.

In a new years fashion I ended up texting an ex happy new year. Guess I had to end the year with a bang! I think even in my state of mind I purposefully played it safe and texted a number I am pretty sure didn't work. Although it didn't say not delivered so who knows. Waking up yesterday I felt instant regret. The thing is I don't really want to talk to him again so I am not really sure what I was thinking. To me it was like some weird final closer as well. This will be the first year in almost 2 that I have started without him and it feels like a breath of fresh air.

As hard as goodbyes are I am learning the positivity in it all for the first time in my whole life. Losing my best friend of 25 years and becoming strangers again has really helped me to start reaching out and expressing my feelings to others close to me now. Another high school friend of mine did text me yesterday, we hadn't talked for months. I had texted her my new number, she read the text and I just didn't hear back from her. I assumed in my head because of how I had been acting I must have lost her too. I don't know how she knew I needed her to reach out yesterday but I was so thankful that she did. For once I actually said how I felt, and she felt bad that I felt that way. She assured me though that no matter what we would always remain friends, and she understood because like me she will become distant from time to time.

I think starting this year with a clean slate is both fearful yet exciting for me. Fearful in the since that I don't know who I'll meet next, or how this new job will go. I fear like what if I am not making the right choice how will I fix that? For the first time in almost 15 years I don't have a back up plan, not too much to fall back on. Putting those fears aside though these are all changes and things to be excited for. When I look back at my life last new years, I was living in an apartment I could barley afford while also going through having my heart broken. Even though my living situation isn't the most ideal right now, looking back I think that I would rather be here than miserable in that apartment.

This way to I have more freedom to get out of this town that I am in. I thought a few months ago that I knew where I wanted to move, or at least I was extremly hell bent on leaving California. Now I don't really know that I want to do that, at least not for awhile. The only thing I know is I want out of this town. Maybe eventually I'll come back but I feel all this has happened so I can truly leave this part of my past behind and start again where no one knows me or at least for the most part. No matter what your goals are this year I hope you achieve every single one! We got this.