Goodbye

Hi. I’m writing from the bottom of the hole I fell in. I’m exhausted right now, I will stay here a bit, lying on the ground, looking at the light, far and high.

I have to say goodbye, not to me, not to everything. But to you. It’s painful. I don’t want it. My mind is fighting this idea with all of its strength and yet… as soon as I think about the recent events, about the outcome… I can’t stand it. This idea of keeping you in my life is burning all the trust I had for you. The fear is like a hurricane, a storm trying to break through the windows of my eyes.

I love you. You are the most amazing human I’ve ever met, I’m glad we had something, for a while. But I can’t have less than this. Not with you.

I wish I could, for real. I tried to figure how I could give this to you, how I could keep you around. No.

I can’t.

It hurts.

It burns.

It feels like falling, spiraling into fear and pain, I wish I could take control over this, but how? Not like this, not alone.

I read somewhere that loneliness is the lack of connection. If I force myself into this, that’s how I’ll feel. I’ll lose this connection with you; it will change and morph into resentment or hate. I don’t want to soil the love I feel for you with emotions I’d create to protect myself.

You will leave a hole. One of the biggest I had to deal with in my life, since I opened myself a lot, I shared things I never shared, I felt things I never felt, I said and did things I don’t want to do anymore, because it will revive the memory. I’ll be crushed for a while, but of course, I’ll be okay at some point, that’s what I’ve been telling myself my whole life to keep going.

I’m mentally ill, neuro spicy, I don’t process things like I should, I have a lot of self control and I learn pretty quickly. But considering my own context and the fact that my life is shattering, I think that it’s way too much to handle.

I know, you know this. I’m just going in circles because what I have to do is too hard. Giving me space just highlighted the fact that I will miss you deeply, but it’s way less painful than what you are offering.

I’ll write this here, one last time. I want you in my life, everyday, every where. I want to feel secure in your arms, I want to see you when I wake up, I want to kiss you goodnight every night. I want a life with you, and that’s why I can’t deal with breadcrumbs anymore. I know you won’t give me anything of that nature, ever. I know you never loved me and that you never will.

I know you care about me. But that’s not enough. What you gave me wasn’t enough, that’s why this can’t work.

I’m sorry that I started to hope, I really tried to bottle things up and I wanted to hide this under a bubbly and joyful attitude, my life got in the way. I can’t be bubbly if everything is falling apart. The fear became too strong.

You said that want the healthy me, but you don’t want to help me heal. You said that I have to do this journey alone, but it’s too much for me. I don’t have the strength now, and I probably won’t for a very long time. I miss the healthy me, too.

I don’t understand why you’re fighting this hard to keep me as a friend, when I clearly showed that I can’t. Beating me with hurtful words, saying that I can take control.

I could. I need help. I don’t need someone to do it for me, I just need a bit of joy to keep going. And now, since it’s over, I’m not after joy or happiness anymore. I’m after… “okayness”. I’m after something stable too, you know. I crave it. But I’m too intense for my own good, and I’m way too much for you too.

But things are absolutely not going as I wish they were. It’s quite the opposite in every area. So be it. I’ll deal with it, losing a bit of my light doing so, every step being harder than the previous one. I’ll have to isolate myself. I have to find ways to cope with the pain and the fear.

Knowing that you’ll be happy is a relief though. You know, it was never a transaction between us. It was a buffet, and you could have it all. I didn’t, and I was okay, for a while. I never had what I wanted with you, I always compromised. I wanted you this much.

What I mean with this pathetic letter is that I know where I messed up, I will work on this by myself, I’m not trying to play the victim. I’m just deeply hurt and weak at the moment. I won’t heal with you around; the pain will be too much to bear, the wound will reopen every time I’ll see you, every time I’ll talk to you. I hate what I’m doing, but I don’t think that I have a choice.

When you know, you know, as people say, and I assure you, I know.

I’ll miss you, Daddy.