Daddy Issues

Since I don’t feel like you want to listen, I’m going to write everything down, here, where you will have access to it, and you’ll be able to decide if you want to read it or not.

I’m a mess. I know it. I said it right at the beginning, and as usual, my bubbly and joyful attitude was in the way: you didn’t believe me or thought that it was some kind of joke. How could things be this wrong with this smiley girl? The thing is, I’m heavily trapped in self hate, and it has been going on for years. I’ve been taught that my value resides exclusively on what I can provide, so… I provided. I helped as much as I could, I was patient, even when you were particularly abrasive and rough with me, I made you food, I helped with your pain, I cleaned, I listened to everything you had to say, I changed how I was communicating, there’s nothing I didn’t do, or at least, tried to.

I fell in love, you know. It’s deep and special, in a way I never had since it was so healthy between us at first. What changed, then?

It’s me, or at least, the emotions I project. I know, I feel absolutely awful, and it’s hard to be around me, sometimes… well… most of the time. I didn’t want to make you feel bad, I kept everything silent, but it was eating me alive. I tried to talk, but then, I’m a pain in the ass, because you’re also stressed and have your own things to deal with.

I was never repulsed by you feeling bad or awful, I understood that it had an impact on the way you behaved, and as always, I was trying to find something, anything, really that could help you and ease your burden. You were lucky that to me, it was effortless. I’m unlucky, doing the same for me costs you a lot. I’m sorry.

And now… I’m alone. As I feared.

You remember this time? That day you almost gave me a lecture (I asked for it though), and you left. I was curled up, crying. You told me about those walls, those protections I had.

I told you that I couldn’t let them down, that I would fall and be too weak to get back on my feet alone.

I’m somewhat naïve and optimistic at the same time. I fell for it. I fell hard. I love you so much, inside, and out. I want the best for you. I want you to be happy, I want you to feel great and I wish I could grow with you, too.

I want you in my life so bad… It’s hard to handle those powerful feelings without having a space where I can fully express it. Due to the weirdness of our relationship, I bottled those feelings and hid them. How can I handle rejection in my situation? How can I handle the pain of losing you because I want you a bit too much?

I still hear you sighting when I was insecure after something you said in a pretty intimate moment. I still remember you being pissed because I was scared.

I tried to accept things as they were, I tried to adjust. I saw that I was asking for too much, I saw that I gave you too much, and yet, I couldn’t stop.

And… you ended things. You ended things because I’m dull, as you said. I’m always complaining, I have no energy to do anything, all I crave is intimacy and seeing you more and more.

That’s what you think of me. Ho, and at the same time, I’m one of your best friends and I’m an incredible person.

Nice.

I wish I had a chance to be heard. I wish that you’d be willing to understand. I wish that I could really open myself and tell you everything, good or bad, without having the feeling of being a burden. I wish that you’d accept me as much as I accept you.

But no. You just don’t. I’m a good friend and you’re alright. I’m the one picking up the mess, and that’s normal, because after all, it’s MY mess.

It’s normal to set boundaries. It’s healthy. That’s not where my concern is.

I realized that we weren’t even. I wasn’t asking for anything, I just wanted to see you. I just wanted your presence. I know, you’re independent, an introvert and stuff. I got it, thank you, I heard it enough. I remember you lecturing me about the fact that I repeated things again and again, always the same stories, always the same things, but at least… those things were positive. My love for my friends, some silly things that happened to me, all those things are worth it. After that, talking about me or what was happening to me, or what I do… well, you know what I’m going through. I wasn’t lying or exaggerating when I said that you were the only great thing and joy in my life.

According to my psycho ed, I’m dealing with all of this with a lot of maturity, and I even expressed my doubts and faults to her. She understood your point of view, I get that you were protecting yourself. My life is heavily troubled and so am I.

I’m just really sad that we didn’t talk before you took your decision.

And I heard that you think I’m taking it well? Disclaimer, dear. I’m heavily crushed, disoriented and in pain. I’m not talking to you about those things, because I know what the outcome would be: you’d be annoyed. I annoy you so much, it hurts.

I still want you in my life, though, because even if I described negative sides of what we had, I’m aware that no relationship is perfect. I came to love all of the aspects I saw in you. The way you think, the way you talk, your kindness and sweetness… I love you. I love the way you make me feel. I love taking care of you, I love listening to you, I love doing nothing and everything with you… But right now, I’m crushed. I feel empty, sad, and disappointed because I feel like I caused it, even though I tried everything I could to make things right.

I’m scared that you’ll leave for good after reading this.

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry…