Funeral to my 20’s

I turned 30 today. The feeling is surreal, I am at the age where “I have my life together” and I actually do feel like it is. I think it’s partly because I did my twenties right. I travelled Europe, I found a job that I love, I went to university, I made friends with whom I will never speak to again, but added them on social media, I wasted time in an ugly relationship, I found the love of my life, I fell in love, I got married. I did everything that I am supposed to do in my twenties. I can proudly say I did my twenties right. I learned a lot about myself for example I am an introvert, my Briggs personality type is rare INFJ- I spend too much time day dreaming. My past teachers would agree. What was the thing you learned most about yourself? I have more emotions than I show. My husband is the only one that I feel comfortable crying in front of, my words don’t get caught my throat like they do around anyone else including my sisters. I learned that being on a unit with dying patients is difficult as I am an empath and I feel their frustrations, their pain, I feel too much and all at once. I found a job that is mentally draining, but nowhere near as emotionally draining. I am stronger than I give myself credit for, I am not as extraverted as I’d like to be. I have social anxiety, which I am slowly learning and teaching myself to get over it, I still don't know what my worst trait is. I did it all in my twenties.

My thirties are already something else, my work has been too much for me to handle today. I want to go home at this point and cry the bathtub while listening to Adele or Lewis Capaldi while drinking a cocktail, that's the funny thing I still can't drink red wine, I guess somethings don't ever change. I am still prone to acne thanks to the pandemic that provided me with Mask-acne. I can no longer eat a bag of chips without gaining a whole Kilogram, which is equal to 2.2 lbs. Sorry, did I say eat? I mean look at a bag of chips. I remember being on the bus as an eight year-old and I would look at the people in cars next to me and think to myself, "When I am old and in my thirties I will look like her and live in my apartment that I own, and I will drive a cute car like hers (she was driving a 2001 mustang) Then, I was obsessed with mustangs, but I think it was mostly because of the horse logo. The woman in the car, I still remember what she looked like and I also remember thinking "people will call me Adrianna and I will have an office job in downtown and I would carry a briefcase and look important" some of those dreams did come true. This woman was blonde and even thought it was morning she was smiling, her teeth her perfectly aligned, she was thin, but toned. she had a nose piercing that was small and on her it looked good, she almost looked like Blake Lively mixed with Kirsten bell. Anyways, she was an attractive blonde woman driving this car. I thought I would look like her, mature and yet lively and I do not look like I am in my thirties at all. My forehead got more wrinklie than I thought possible. I thought I would be weighing around 60 kg, which is a healthy weight. I still look like I’m in my mid twenties. It’s a weird feeling, but maybe these are some thoughts everyone has?