No Words Needed

We have not spoken since last night. When I woke up I could hear the shower already running. He probably didn’t sleep well, he didn’t sleep well very often, he usually thought about work or his curious mind wanders at night. The smell from the hanging eucalyptus in the shower wafted into the bedroom. I loved it. He hated it. He said “you should just grow a garden in here if you’re bringing that in”.

I waited until he was done showering to indicate that I was awake. He came out of the shower wearing a towel around his waist. I silently watched as he dried himself off. He then went into the walk in closet and he shut the door indicating that he was not ready to talk since our blowout last night. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom the floor was not even wet he must’ve wiped it clean knowing that I’d be showering after him. I got into the shower and adjusted the temperature I turned it up until it steamed up the bathroom, the smell of eucalyptus once again encompassed me. Sure, we’ve had our fights but nothing like this before. We both did what everyone tells us to not do, we went to bed angry.

I cried a little bit thinking about what I said to him. He knew that he should not have had coffee with his ex when he had me. “We were just catching up that’s all” is what he had told me. However, that catching up led to a forbidden kiss. She kissed him and he kissed her back for a moment and then pushed away from her realizing that it was not me he was kissing. “How thoughtful of you to tell me” I remember screaming those words at him. He usually ran stuff like this by me. That’s what really ticked me off. Why didn’t he just tell me? Was I not enough? It’s not like he withdrew sex or any intimacy, we went on a date two days ago and it’s been a while since we both were not distracted by work or anything else. I got out of the shower and I smelled instant hazelnut coffee. The kettle was not running. I checked my watch it read: 8:45. I spent an extra five minutes in the shower. I dried off and changed into my work clothes. I got to the kitchen where I saw him sitting outside on the porch through the window. He swung on the bench by himself. I sipped my coffee that he had made for me. His French presss was out, yet he still made my coffee this morning. I laughed at him quite a bit for using a French press to brew his coffee.

He knew I needed my space, which is why he was not at the dinner table watching some educational YouTube video on something dumb like the types of bridges or the latest electronic device that used a complex system. I hated that he knows me so well. He didn’t have his phone out either, which indicated that he was ready to have a mature conversation. Although, maybe I was being childish? He did tell me about having coffee with his ex the same day, he didn’t wait. Told me that kissing her back was the worst thing he’s done, he felt guilty that much I knew. Cleaning the bathroom floor, making my coffee, letting me breathe he knew me so damn well. Maybe, it was part of adjusting to a new life with me? He did everything right up until now. We all make mistakes. We are all imperfect human beings. He knew that as well as I do. It was a mistake. We obviously were not going to get a divorce because of a moment of weakness. I’d have to make it clear that he was never to see any of his exes again. Maybe on some level he knew it was coming, he followed them on social and would check once a year or less on what they were up to and he did not miss them one bit. Most of them are married like us and he would say “so glad I’ve found you” over and over again. Then, eventually he even deleted all his accounts because they didn’t matter anymore.

It clicked, the ex was having a hard time not him, she spotted him and thought it was a good opportunity to have a shoulder to cry on, who better than an ex? He was sympathetic, she cried about her losing relationship and maybe wished she had him. Who wouldn’t? He was a catch. He could fix anything given the right tools and time, he knew how to make amazing food. He even used the “I’m sorry mug” now, which was a mug that wrote “you’re my cup of tea” and there was a drawing of a happy tea cup. He already knew it was mistake. I sipped my coffee and paced the living room. I was being ridiculous. Yes, he kissed someone else but weighing the bad and good there was no way he wanted to see her again. I think he already knew that.

I pulled the sliding door and he looked up at me without shifting his position. I glanced back at him and our eyes met, both with apologies in our eyes. That’s when I realized I hadn’t been noticing the things he had been doing for me, I was taking him for granted. He wanted on some level to let me know that he did not feel appreciated. We would have to fix that. He gave me a slight smile and I did the same almost saying “I know”

I joined him and gave him a kiss on his lips. He looked at me and I nodded.

“Thanks,” I said and he merely looked at me and gave a small bow with his head and he kissed me back.