Don't give your power away

It started early. As a kid, I liked what I liked and I loved wearing dresses sewn by my mother, complete with jelly shoes and whatever I could create with my chaotic hair. Looking back, it feels a little like you’ve seen in the movies. ET in the closet dressed in whatever layers he could find in there, hat on his head and very proud to be Human. But I was also gifted with a keen observation and a need to fit in among the humans. To this day, there is something inside me that will not take up too much space here, despite the internet crying from all corners to do so. Because deep down, I know I am a visitor and when you are a visitor, you are respectful. You learn the rules, you walk softly while your hosts are sleeping and you try to learn the flow. I used to think it was because I was not as good as, but I think it’s just the deep knowing that I am, in fact, here as a guest to this paradigm. A guest on the verge of a threshold.

The problem came up when I realized that to fit in, I had to try and morph myself into shapes that were impossible. While I thought I had learned the patterns and balked at why none of it seemed to be working to gain my entry into humanity, I can see myself now in my mind’s eye very much sticking out like a sore thumb. And I equated that with “bad.” Those times in which I leaned into my weirdness, wore what I wanted to wear, do the things I loved to do, listen to the music that made my soul sing, it was either met with silence, or worse. And I am a creature that loves to share my joy of life. The wonder of it. I am someone who loves to give everything I have and see others share in the wonder. It’s more than validation, it’s connection. I see the god spark in most people and I love to see it come to life. I feel like a doorway in that way.

And sometimes people are jealous of these kinds of doorways. It’s taken me forty-some years to see it.

I spent most of my life on this see-saw. Part exploration, part rebellion and part so desperate to connect that I gave my power away. And I’ve learned a few things upon reflection. Where shame likes to come in and make me feel small for these experiences, I’ve learned to choose another doorway into alchemizing the contrasts. First of all, some people can smell a vulnerable, real soul a mile away. Before you really know yourself, you become prime real estate for squatters who have not found their own power to make a home in you and then use you as a container for all the shit they don’t want to deal with.

Secondly, I felt like things were inaccessible to me. So if someone came into my life that seemed to know how to Human, I found that to be a doorway to collaboration. But the fear in me and the not knowing of my own magic made for the perfect storm in these situations. There is something beautiful in collaboration or co-creation and I think I intrinsically knew it and craved it early on, but maybe such sensitive souls need to go through the school of hard knocks because there has been an entire paradigm built to take the sparks of others and use it for selfish purposes. The whole structure is set up as a competition and so, in that respect, there can be very little true collaboration. Unless, of course, people find their god-spark and realize every one of us has something valuable to offer and no one is more important than another. We all have a beautiful function.

So now I am on a path of balance. Healing my sense of trust in others. Learning to trust my own inner guidance. Leaning into expressing my soul in every way I like, whether others approve or not and grounding into how that feels in myself. This is the foundation to move into a paradigm of co-creation. It’s been hard work but the most beautiful journey of discovering who I have been all along. And my child self is so happy now. I have permission to exist as I am. And the sharing of joy that I feel is a big wound even now. There is a bully in my head from every experience I’ve had that comes in sometimes and makes me cry, wondering if I’ll find connection now that I have unmasked. It is my hope that I will. I think we all hope that. I think we are finding each other now as we heal more.

I will no longer take my giant star shaped heart and stuff it into the square box of acceptance. And I have learned when my wolf instincts flare up, even if I don’t know why, that I am safe to take my magic and walk away. I may not have the access that others have to play this game, but the game is changing. And I have tools to make my own path. I’m a believer in impossible things. The path is not an easy one, but it’s mine and I owe it to my power to flow within my own function. Maybe it will take some time for the world to catch up. Maybe they never will. But I am here. And I am happy in my galaxy. And I hope you are too.