Don't Bring a U-Haul to the Third Date

What a whirlwind of a week it's been and it's only Tuesday. I fooled around and fell in love. I'd like to say it's been fun, but the fun only lasted about twenty minutes. Why was the fun so short? Because mentally I brought the u-haul to the third date, and once my mental u-haul was in the driveway, I felt like my brain came unscrewed.

I'm what they call a rescuing victim. My mother was a bi-polar alcoholic and I spent my life trying to rescue her. I didn't understand alcoholism, I didn't understand the obsession. I didn't understand anything - I was 25 and still an asshole. Unfortunately, this pattern has replayed and replayed itself and I keep trying to rescue people when I really should be rescuing myself. You can't pour from an empty cup. Don't even bother to try. I want a companion, not a project. I'm done with projects.

I have so many unhealthy coping mechanisms, but building a foundation or falling in love someone when you are dancing around your problems and drinking, drugging and sleeping your way through the pain is surely not the answer. I'm in recovery -almost three years sober - and they tell you not to get involved with anyone until you are at least a year sober - well now I know why. I practically had us retiring in Costa Rica together when I barely even knew the guy. Don't be embarrassed if you have done it too; you don't know what you don't know.

Remember when falling in love, that the thrill of the chase is greater than actually having the prize. More than likely, you will grow tired of the person almost immediately after you have them where you want them. It's called hedonic adaptation. If you have an addictive personality, you will want the best of everything. The sexiest lover, porn level sex and fancy vacations. They will all serve a purpose, but the long-term acquisition is boring; the hunt is what gets you. Problem is you are hunting something that you're not even sure you want yet.

For me, it felt like I fell in love on Tuesday and by Saturday and I couldn't run far enough away from the guy. The love left me feeling shallow, hollow and spent. I felt used up and I had neglected all of my own needs. I missed work deadlines, class, and neglected my home and for what? For a guy that more than likely won't even make it through the summer? Screw all that - love is for the poor. Next time I have a crush on someone, I will punch myself in the face for the same effect. He was constantly on my mind, like a rabbit running through my brain -I couldn't get him out of there. For reasons I'm not even aware of, there seems to be no space for my dreams in a relationship. I am perpetually living in someone else's shadow. Again, screw all that - love is for the poor.

Woody Allen once said that the heart wants what the heart wants, but he also said he slept walked into nightmare. I can surely relate. I have slept walked into many a nightmare because of my impatience. I'm done living other people's dreams; I want to live my own. I'm tired of emotionally unavailable guys, narcisstics, hobosexuals, and all the rest. Don't let Eddie distract you from your goals; by the way, they are all Eddie. Don't make promises to other people, when you can't even keep promises to yourself. Realistically, what you don't know about love could fill a library. I became addicted in my teens, therefore I'm really a fourteen year old girl in a 52 year old body. I barely have healthy friendships, the last thing I need is to bring a guy into my nightmare.

Because I've been single for the last three years, I'm on the verge of publishing a book. It's a mixture of self-help advice and a memoir. I also have a serial killer book going, and plans to hike the Smokey Mountains with my girlfriends. I have a very full life. I'll miss my man, but I'll miss me more. I've grown weary of dressing to be attractive and faking it until I make it. My heart is tired, my soul is tired. Please don't come knocking at my front door. I don't want you anymore. Love is for the poor.

I'm going to repeat this for effect - don't bring a u-haul to the third date. Don't let loneliness lower your standards. Take a mixed message from your brain as a no foryour own sanity. Please date yourself instead. Follow your own dreams, forge your own path. Get comfortable in your own skin before trying on someone else's. I'm a writer and a bookworm. I'm a square peg in a round hole. I'm Alice in Wonderland. My ego is too big sometimes, and other times, my ego can fit into a thimble. I need to right-size my ego before I get involved with someone. The longer I am alone, the more money and time I have for myself. I'm not suggesting you be celebit, but as Tina Turner once said, what's love got to do with it? I'm done with Ike Turner, and by the way, they are all Ike Turner. Screw all that, love is for the poor.