Adventures with the Unboyfriend

My Unboyfriend is falling in love with me - but is that what is best for both of us? I'm not sure, and I'm using this space to unpack my thoughts. For those of you unfamiliar with my Unboyfriend, he is my friends with benefits, but things have a taken a serious turn, and I'm still not sure the time is right for a boyfriend.

I feel like I have been falling in love with my Unboyfriend for quite some time; I didn't tell him I felt this way as I know me. Just because I'm in love now, doesn't mean I'll be in love a year from now. Love for me is a fickle thing, it can change like the weather. Just because I've had some of the best nights of my life with him, doesn't mean I can only have good nights with him. Just because he is not a toxic narcissicist, doesn't mean he is "The One."

So, how did I get here, when I was committed to living the single life? How is this man now the nicest guy ever, a guy that I can't have? Why does every relationship I have seem to be a guns-n-roses relationship? This one isn't, but my old habits are flaring up, and I'm having a guns-n-roses reaction.

What do I mean by that? When I'm in a relationship with a guy, why do I feel like we are either headed for passionate love making, or ready to break up? Where is the cruise control on the relationship where you just enjoy each other's company, and not worry about the destination? If I take marriage and co-habitation off the table, I realize that there is no rush on any aspect of my relationship with my Unboyfriend? Why don't I let the friendship naturally evolve and see what happens? I'm 51 - I'm not getting married again, or living with someone, so what is the rush? We can have date nights, sleepovers, and continue to be best friends for the next ten years. As he always says, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

We have had so many great date nights. My Aunt always told me that if you can find someone to lay around naked with, just enjoy each other's company, and focus on the present without running and chasing everything down, you have found a keeper. My unboyfriend and I can lay around naked for a weekend, but that doesn't mean we're running off to get married. He has a Harley, so we also hit the open road. We have attended concerts together, and have had many picnics. But we also keep reminding each other to not get too serious, as heartbreak and the end of the relationship can be too painful and intense to bear.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to ride off into the sunset with him, but we are both terribly bi-polar. His bi-polar has taken him to suicide attempts, and my bi-polar has lead to drug addiction and now recovery. Both of us need to prioritize our mental health over a soul mate. This could not have been more clear to me than the day he woke up depressed and his eyes were as tortured as Kurt Cobain's - that is a bold statement, but it is true. When you're bi-polar, you can have mood swings in your sleep. You can't really trust your brain. You can go to sleep on top of the world, and wake up terribly depressed. It's scary and it's true. Right now, I feel like - and this statement should just be taken at face value - it is too much to ask someone to be in a long-term committed relationship with me as my bi-polar condition is terribly confusing to those that aren't mentally ill. I'm not saying this in a poor me kind of way - in fact, focusing on and accepting my disability has lead to this writing career, great friends, money - the American Dream.

Backing up a bit, I decided to schedule a staycation with me and my friends where we just decided to do everything that we always wanted to do in our hometown. During this staycation, we ran into, not one..not two..but FIVE ex-girlfriends of his. It left me feeling very jealous and confused. It also made me realize that I have don't time for this drama. Jealous ex-girlfriends and all that are just distractions for me right now. At the end of this parade of ex-girlfriends, I told my Unboyfriend that I was falling in love with him, but that I was also trying to stop it, as I didn't want the relationship to go that direction right now. He said he felt the same. I was flabbergasted by his confession. But he also said he didn't want the commitment right now. Those are his boundaries and I need to respect them.

I want him to be open to being in love, but a love that doesn't change our situation. We can each have our own separate place about a half hour from each other. The half hour distance, I feel is key to our success. I just wanted to know I wasn't a usual bar hook up - now I just want to know that I am lovable. He has given me a lot of mixed signals, and for my sanity, I'm going to take mixed signals as a no.

At the end of the day, I want his companionship and to be his best friend over being a lover. I have beautiful daughters, a blossoming writing career, and my own life. What more could I want? If it ain't broke, don't fix it.