Conquered For Me

It was another day the wind was blowing, and the streets were full of debris and some trash laying around here and there with cigarette butts in the dead grass around the very few trees around. The traffic is always heavy on this street, just as bad as the riff-raff, not the best part of town on Colfax, but it's where I had to be at the time for my journey to begin in the right direction. I walked in, and the string that looked worn was thin rope almost as hemp rang the bells tied to it when the door shut. I sat down and observed for a minute till I focused on my phone to take my mind off being nervous. The lady at the front desk with the small window in front of it announced, "May I help you?' I stood up and said, "I am here for Erica. I was supposed to have my first session at 10 am". I glanced at the clock, and it was about 10 minutes till "ok, I will let her know. What is your name, please?" she asked before she disappeared behind the corner. "Lisa, "I had spoken loudly for her to hear me behind the walls, for I could hear her walking in the hallway on the other side. I felt as if the building may have been around before I was born, which was in the ninety's. A young lady with long black curly hair and glasses came out the door and said my name. I smiled and didn't make direct eye contact. I looked more towards the door I was about to walk through. As we approached her office that was literally 4 steps away, I began to smell Zen; it was very calming; the lights were dim; she had a bookshelf and a few pictures of art on the wall of painted flowers. I did not observe any pictures of the family though her office was spotless and organized. "Please take a seat" She pointed to the chair. Which was close to the wall on the right, instead of the ones directly in front of her desk. The chair I sat in was more comfortable and durable than the ones in the lobby. It was made of leather and felt brand new almost. "So let me introduce myself," she stated, Beginning to tell me how long she has been a therapist and how long specifically she has been with Aurora mental health and went over the confidentially. As I began to speak, I could feel my face getting red, and then I began to talk faster, and before you know it, a whole hour had gone by. She had not said anything besides maybe one sentence, and I can't even remember what it was. Still, at the end of it all, I recall that she was very calm and did not give me any awkward looks or make me feel uneasy. Erica politely let me know the time is up and let me know that usually, the first sessions go really fast, for this is typically a lot depending on the situations the person has been through. Erica had not done much but listened and looked at me the whole time with the emotion of understanding. Honestly, I felt relief. I felt as if my mind was a soda pop that had been shaken over and over again, and finally, I was able to take off the cap. I never realized how much I had been holding in till that day. I began seeing Erica once a week, I began to notice the traits she had as well. She would always have 1 pen next to her mouse and not a pen holder with several, and she would also always have a book open on her back desk when I came in. Then after about two months, it had gone down to every two weeks, and I began to notice there were becoming fewer and fewer books on her shelf after four months, and that was because she was transferring to Denver County. Before she had left, she introduced me to this book called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, and I did enjoy it. Erica was very humble, sincere, and wise for her age. Very inspiring, for she was not much older than me, maybe about 6 years at the most. She was someone I confided in, and she made me notice the reasoning behind my flaws and how to cope the healthy way. The most significant discovery I made about myself was through my controlling compulsiveness. I was very selfless to the extent to where I was putting others before myself. Being a great mother, but when it came to working and friends and my relationships, it made me vulnerable to depression. Erica had taught me how to balance my anxiety and take a step back and acknowledge before I take another step forward. She really made me realize what I am passionate about, and that is appropriately applying my selflessness in a different direction.

Before The Light

I was consumed by the devil's drug and his playground. I could barely breathe from the trauma it tainted upon me; it took my soul and drowned it in sorrow more profound than I could handle till I decided to swim in it.

I was swimming to the bottom of a dark ocean and running out of oxygen, realizing I'd be dead before I ever managed to get to the bottom if there even was one.

Thinking I'm scared to death of drowning due to an incident when I was 5, so how could I even mentally compare it to that? Well, when you are high, you feel invincible, and your fears tend to make you relentless.

The thought of not being able to breathe underwater as your lungs fill up and out of energy to swim up is one of the most terrifying things I could ever imagine. Still, then that's how I felt every time before I took another hit waiting for the high to kick in.

Waking up in terror from nightmares, if even waking up was worth it, some days I could barely breathe, so used to living in a distraught reality, a masked life.

Getting high was ideal, and feelings didn't exist, and when they did, there was another line, another bowl, a drink, or a crazy idea to get higher. I wasn't alone; there were plenty with me, never lonely. They weren't always friendly, but they reminded me I wasn't alone till I was all alone.

Sleep didn't exist, just shadow people and the exhausting voices as you began to slumber before you blackout, to where your falling asleep in the car while the engines running, waking up not knowing where you are. Then, however, someone knockin on your car window with a dead battery early in the morning when the frost is still melting off the windows.

Not even having any consciousness of how I was even still alive, just waking up to find another mission to stay high. I didn't hit rock bottom; I drowned, and the only way I could have been saved was being brought to the surface, and for that to happen was a miracle. I was almost to the bottom of the dark ocean where I would lose all oxygen, and then that miracle happened. I was forced to the surface with one last gasp of breath to run for my life before the wave swallowed me again. The wave did get me; it was unrealistic to be able to run from a tsunami wave. I wasn't going to outrun this one, but I managed to stay above the water like tom hanks in the movie castaway. When he finally decides to go for it and leave the island, he lost Wilson along the way as I had lost my friends to just to the truth to find out they weren't really friends. So this Tsunami was a blessing in disguise, forcing me to be sober, and it was one hell of a storm to stay afloat in, but I did it.

It took me so long to get where I'm at today. I wanted to give up, but I didn't well, at least not all the way.

I made it, and I'm here today and some days are still hard, but their so much better, for I have accepted so much and feel myself healing and feel I'll finally be ok without being high or going back to the devil's drug ever, it took away 4 years of my life, and that's enough.

I don't regret anything, for it's made me be a stronger person today. So I'm praying for everyone who's going through their struggles, and I'm telling you, "You got this because you are strong and have a meaning to this life."

Life is so much better once your want to get it clean is put to action and the withdraws are done, and your life is relieved of toxicity.

Which does happen in fazes; it doesn't all happen at once.

As you are reborn, you appreciate so much more in life than you ever realized, and you manage to succeed in the following steps you take with faith.

Recovery is beautiful, and I got faith in all of you trying to get there.

I'm saying a prayer you may think it's not fair and the question "Why me," and all the While, the man from above, is saying because I chose you to live and fight to be sober so you can get rid of being Somber and be Better.