Codependency Made Me Do It

Everyone talks about how empowering it is to be independent, and I have yet to hear someone talk about why independence is so rewarding in relationships. I'm here to disrupt the pattern by giving you my perspective of codependency through the lens of an entrepreneur in her 20's. As teens, we all have made questionable decisions, especially in love.

I remember meeting my partner for the first time in a divine unorthodox way, meeting him at his house party through mutual friends. Anyone's fairytale to have their partner show up to their doorstep and never leave. Weeks, months of being mutuals until life unfolds and you two are inseparable. I began to spend nights bringing things from my mom's house to his. Some days filled with smoking sessions with people I didn't know just because I wanted to be with him.

He attended my high school graduation months into our relationship, showing me his commitment to me and my accomplishments. Our first road trip together was to Florida with his family was before I started my first semester of college, we spent so much time together, matched hair colors, and lived together began to learn so much about my partner, his family, and our relationship and how they both affected one another. I saw that we had a lot of differences in communicating, giving, and receiving. Yet we approached situations and circumstances almost identically. We had experienced similar upbringing, parenting, traumas.

We loved each other more than we did before the trip because we had an experience outside of the home. As two empath's we felt each other, which I hadn't experienced in previous relationships also saw that all empaths have levels. I eventually dropped out of college for life purposes reasons we have been together every day since I worked while he also pursued his career. We are still together four years later I am a full-time entrepreneur pursuing my writing career, healing, and creating it is empowering and difficult many times. I reflect on where I lost my independence because it wasn't in one swoop.

As a libra woman, I am a person who is completely dedicated to my partner and forgets all the world around me. I'm learning that I give my power away in relationships by never setting clear expectations or boundaries I take what comes with a person, situation, or environment, compromising my satisfaction, happiness, values, and experiences. My partner is a talented artist who freelances in music and dance. I thought dimming my light for my partner made him shine more, I felt required to suppress my light because fear was created for me somewhere in his house, the relationship, through my experiences being around his family, friends sometimes him.

I resented my partner and myself for moving into his parent's house for so long. I left a beautifully furnished room at my mom's house to stay with my boyfriend on a futon couch usually filled with people. We initially did not conversate about how I would fit into his life I just did. I sacrificed my peace for temporary comfort I allowed his environment to consume me it became my environment.

I had sacrificed so much in my lifestyle that I wasn't sure if my partner understood how heavy it was on me. I used to dance, yell at everything in my room like a teenage girl, cook daily e.t.c it all came to an end. I was in a new place WASN'T comfortable doing those things in someone else's house and room. I stopped tending to my femininity, sensuality, environmental hygiene, smoked more, started thinking in a lack mindset, and was hyperaware of negativity constantly looked for validation in my partner by changing my perspective and moral code.

I started dressing more conservatively, worrying about others' judgment more, basing my morals on my partner's. I shifted my boundaries to enjoy him, adjusting my time, caught lyfts and trains at any time, and stuck around through some unnecessaries.

Unconsciously sought validation but never found it because he already approved when he met me. But I never felt that way because I let perception cloud my judgment. I was afraid to lose him I wanted to be the opposite of who I thought hurt him.

I Showcased all the self-love I had built for myself before meeting him. I saw that overextending wasn't admirable or appreciated years of changes and shifts that I cannot change. After losing my income and dedicating myself full time to the small business I created. I was in a stagnant place not knowing where my next dollar came from every day was so depressing waking up having to depend on my partner to make money to make sure I eat every day while I figured out how I would make money. I appreciated every dollar spent on me I felt so useless disposable and lonely because I didn't think my partner understood how emotionally unstable I was becoming.

I developed psoriasis got sick more than three times in two months and did not feel myself physically or mentally. I felt my womb screaming for help as I felt my root and sacral chakra had become imbalanced. I didn't have a desire for a future let alone a with him I felt so undesirable and unmotivated.

Partnerships are supposed to be balanced a breadwinner at one point to crumbs showed me what I lacked beyond material possessions being unfulfilled and fearful isolated me from my partner in small ways. I've been in a transitional period of becoming an upgraded version of my old self.

I lost myself in this relationship but I am so optimistic for us. I'm giving myself another chance to love differently with the same person because I'm accustomed to breakups regaining my power.

This connection was my completion, which encouraged me to love myself more than ever before. I won't ever have to depend on him again because I will regain my power by committing to myself again, loving myself, valuing my time more, being fearless and as bright as before if not brighter. I learned from my experiences I'm healing my soul.