An email, a search history and a day full of events

What keeps you awake at night? The existential dread of tomorrow and all the things you have to do? Fear of the dark or whatever might be lurking under your bed? For me, it’s all the stupid things I’ve ever said. Let me be clear about this, the amount of these stories is atrocious compared to a normal human being. I am a walking accident and could write a whole book on the embarrassing stories of my life (now there’s an idea…). Just ask my friends, they can vouch for this. I’ve narrowed it down to just a few that haunt me in the late hours of the night, so here goes.

I wanted to start with the most recent and relevant story, which was only a few weeks ago. Everyone knows about the NFTs hitting the news and being another crypto thing to talk about. As an artist, I’ve been trying to keep up with what’s going on and learn what I can. One morning before I dove into my email, I was reading an article on LinkedIn called WTF is an NFT? Once I read and failed to understand anything new about NFTs, I started on my work load. The first was responding to an email where the recipient needed a link to a folder on Google Drive. Naturally, I had the link ready and thought I had copied the shared link. So, off I sent the email. Minutes later, I got a reply (that had a whole department copied in on) that pointed out it was not, in fact, the link to the folder. It was the link to the article, with a thumbnail of grumpy cat and all! Simple mistake, right? No. The worst part is, I work for a Christian non-profit where most of all of my peers are believers. I can usually blend in, but this made me stick out like a sore thumb. Not only that, but I sent it to the most conservative man that possibly works for us. I was in absolute shock for the rest of the morning.

I hope you enjoyed that, because we are just getting started! I’m telling you, stay tuned for a book coming out in the next year because my life is a joke. Anyway, the next story is really something I think of while dozing off, or when I’m at work day-dreaming and my insides just melt. One day, before my boyfriend was officially my boyfriend, we were deciding where to eat and I asked him to look up the menu online. While using my phone, I look over at him and his eyes are now bulging and he’s trying not to laugh. Because I am an idiot, I push for him to tell me what he’s laughing at. Little did I know, I would immediately regret asking. Against his will, he turned the phone around to expose what he had seen. It was my previous search on PornHub. Yeah, I admit it. Not all the time, only when needed. I was mortified, fell to the floor and prayed that my body would somehow seep into the floor. Luckily, it is now an inside joke between us and keeps us laughing.

For the last confession, I had to tap into the past, almost 10 years ago now. It was my freshman year at college and I had made the mistake of scheduling an 8:00 a.m. lecture. Although it was a small school, this class was the biggest of the day and the first of at least four. Needless to say, it was going to be a busy day for me. Naturally, I woke up late and in a rush to get across campus. After almost hitting my face on the door and tripping through the doorway, I make my way to the back of the class and settle in my seat. I get my bearings and suddenly my face drains of all the blood in my face. In my rush to get out of my dorm and to class on time, I put my running shorts on inside out. No big deal, right? Wrong. These running shorts were cobalt blue with an orange outline. Every woman knows that running shorts are made with built-in-underwear (by the way, I want to meet the person who designed that. They have some explaining to do). Not only was it built in and now on the outside of my pants, but they were bright orange, the same color as the outline. I was walking around campus looking like a knock-off Superman! Somehow I made it back to the dorm without being noticed by anyone else. I thought perhaps my day would start to get better and decided to release some endorphins at the school gymnasium. With my shorts now on the right way, I hopped onto the treadmill and started out with a walk. Slowly increasing my speed, I tripped over my own clumsy feet. Had I fallen right off, I could have somewhat laughed it off. Instead (and of course, because my life is a joke, remember?) I try to hang on and shut off the treadmill. Unfortunately, the left more scrapes and bruises, and then it shot me right off the back and into the walking isle, almost hitting someone walking by. By this time, I couldn’t help but start to have tears in my eyes, frustrated at my own inability to have a normal day-to-day life. I immediately left the gym and called my dad, who always gets to hear my breakdowns. In this case, he didn’t help but only laughed! I couldn’t win that day and let me tell you, I have one of those days at least once a week. At least.

These stories are just the type of the iceberg that is the clumsy timeline of my life. Having put some of these in writing, more and more memories are coming to mind (face-palm). Maybe if I get them out, they won’t haunt my dreams at night. Stay tuned for more embarrassing stories from me, this definitely won’t be the last you hear one of them.