A step behind of the actual world - 1

I'm usually a person who looks for signs and senses on the path... I don't always know what I am doing, but I do my best to make sure that I'm doing the right thing. Sometimes I fail, does this make me a failure?

It's been a while since I last wrote a word of my own. By "my own," I mean a word that's coming from the inside, not class assignments. University has been a big step for me. I know I've been there before, but this is different. This one is different. I am different than 5 years ago. The place where I am is different, and the experience is nothing like I lived before. I knew that by entering this program I'll be so busy and short on money and stressed, and the whole full pack of university-student-anxiety, but this is what I wanted to do from the very beginning... This is what I wanted to study, and this is what I've been picturing myself doing since I found my passion, to be a software engineer. Up to here, nothing relates to the title, right? It is coming...

I was always an "up-to-date" person, which means (at least to me) that I had always been aware of the world around me. I had the best social skills, I was never alone, I had no problem with being an initiator or leader; I used to love that. This was one of my strengths because when a person left or decided not to be in touch or around anymore, I'd pretty much let go in no time because I was always surrounded, and I've never depended on anyone at the same time. People come, people go, no big deal, I just stick to my divine rules of "keep it up" and "keep it moving," and I'd always make new friends in no time. I don't know how or when or where or why I'm not the same anymore. I can probably get an insight into the "why" part, but I really have no idea about who I am anymore. It has been 3 years now that I feel like loneliness is my only option in the world. It's not killing me, but I just want to know how a wide-open extrovert can turn into a very strict sensitive introvert.

I'm not cold; I never was. Since I left home, things have been rough and harder than I thought they would be when I was there. See, the thing about immigration that most people don't realize is that once you leave your home country, you become a foreigner everywhere. I'm not saying I lost my identity, no, it's just I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore or like some of the social media folks say: "I'm a citizen of the world." I can relate to that in this context. Here, they believe I'm a foreigner because I look nothing like native people, and maybe my French and English accents aren't fascinatingly native either. There, my place was gone the moment I held my visa. I was never someone's favorite. Not in the family and definitely not outside. People have the tendency to use whatever useful skill I have and show their back when they're done. Classic. I think my point is no one ever sat and said, "Oh, I really miss her, she left a huge void, and I can't wait to see her again. My day is not going well without her; I'll call to make sure she's okay." Instead, it's usually something like, "Well, we haven't been calling you because we were busy, and I'm pretty sure you are too with all the working-studying stuff. Hope you're okay. Take care!" or a 13-second audio that goes like, "Hey, how's everything? I hope it's not too cold out there. Stay safe!" As I said, I never was someone's favorite, and I guess I reached a point when I accepted how things are and that is what it is, I can't beg for it. Not after all this time. Sometimes, this point holds me back, some virtual bars looking at the shiny world outside and questioning myself the same old question: "Why am I a step behind the actual world?"

I've been trying to dive into what, in my mind, I believe, I can do best: computer science and the software engineering world. I'd always say, "Ok, listen up little-K, whatever happens.. Literally, whatever happens in the world, make sure you don't lose your passion. You were born to do this; this is you. You escape the world for the computer, not the other way around. So, make sure no one gets in your way, and if it does happen and you get distracted, make sure you know how to find your way back. No one, absolutely no one, can take this from you. Are we clear?" and I'd whisper "YES" to myself like an obedient little soldier to his boss. Now, I'm still on track, but I feel like I'm not on top of my game like I used to be. I used to rock; my instructors were all the time fascinated by my perspective and the way I put things together, but somehow, I feel like this is slipping from my hands. I have this grade-related analogy playing in my head, believing that a grade could define my level, but at the end of the day, why were grades made in the first place? Isn't it to define a student's level? So the rule is, you get an A, you're brilliant; you get a D, you're stupid (let's not talk about F, which basically is FAILURE). Also, we all know that between the A and D, you're nothing more than average, more like most of the students around you. I only got one A since my first session, and I'm about to finish my first undergraduate year. I'm doing my best here, but the question is: "Is it enough?" It's never enough... Nothing I do in my life is ever enough for anybody... I always fall an inch behind where I am supposed to be, which brings me again to the after-midnight question: "Why am I a step behind the actual world?"

I figured, as I grow up, I become more complicated. I'm still in my twenties, but I feel like sixties sometimes; other times, I feel like I'm a step away from my grave. I tried to convince myself that everything will be fine and that everything is still under control. Control of whom? I guess I'm not there anymore to take control of my own life... I'm not even able to wash the dishes or to cook anymore, and I'm so short on money that ordering food is not even an option for me. Reading this, you might think maybe I need therapy. I've been there too. It didn't work. My therapist gave me 30 minutes of "Ok, I think it's just a huge fatigue, and you need to take a break from studies/work to feel better." He would barely see me in 3 weeks just to make sure I don't have suicidal thoughts and add some sleeping pills because, as he said, "sleeping is important." He doesn't know that engineering students never sleep; that's a curse. That wasn't my problem either, and, to be completely honest, talking is not my thing. I don't know how to express myself when I'm talking. All these words I've written so far wouldn't come out if I were about to say them out loud (to myself or in front of people, they won't come out). So, therapy didn't help, and I can't afford one now anyway, so I'm stuck in the loop of watching motivational videos, listening to self-dev podcasts, and writing therapy.

I guess I've already written too much... I feel tired... I'll probably add a second part to this later... Hopefully, by then, I'd figure out "Why am I a step behind the actual world?"