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I will never ever ...

by Kaoutaea 4 months ago in Humanity
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I was born to be free, not to bend my knees and settle for less than I deserve

" I'll appreciate you more, if you just uncover your hair " , " No, I'm interested. I'm just wondering if you could stop wearing large pants ", " I'll consider it if you stopped talking to that guy ", " I don't think you'll pass that course if you don't don't beg Mr.X . You didn't do well and you deserve a second chance, don't let your ego get in the way! ", " You want more, you've got to show more baby! ", " If you want to be attractive, you'll have to show your curves. Otherwise, you remain unnoticed. "

My parents raised me to be always on my best behaviour with all human kinds (with all creatures actually, I'm just putting the focus on humans in this case). I took the advice and did more than I can to be a great person because I want to be treated the way I treat people. So, whenever I'm willing to do something to someone, I ask myself : " Would I appreciate it if it for was me? ". When the answer is yes, I do it. Even if this doesn't mean that the other person will like it but at least, I can say that I've tried and I can justify my behaviour if there's something wrong. Worse case scenario : I'll apologize. When the answer is no, I take a step back and think : " What can I do for that person to make them feel the way I want to feel if I ever was in the same situation ? ". I'm not going to lie, I don't always take action. That's because I don't always find the answer but I think doing nothing at all is better than harming someone.

I thought that this was fundamental. I thought that all parents has taught their children to do the same and that I'm safe as long as it is this way. I was definitely wrong. Turns out that whenever I'm nice to a girl means : " I'm begging for friendship. ", if I'm nice to a boy means : " I secretly like him. ". I've got reactions like : " Oh wow, so you would do anything for her/him ? ". I'd do my best depending on my abilities at the moment T. This is how people started taking my kindness for granted and threaten me to leave if I don't execute their orders. I said I'd do it if I can, I didn't say I'm ready to be a slave. The funny part is that, whenever I defend myself, they go like : " Fine, we'll never talk to you again. Bye! ". Back then, I'd cry my head off and think " I'm not good enough. Maybe I'm the problem. I won't have any friends if they keep going like this, but I couldn't help. I'm not capable and if I'm not, they'll easily find someone who can... ". Little did I know that friends will never ask you so much. True friends will understand when you say " I'm sorry, I just can't do this for you now. " or " This is out of my expertise ". True friends will never ask you to change a single thing about you, they'll accept you the way you are like family. True friends will give you advice and guide you when necessary but they won't take advantage of you especially when you're insecure or in a weak situation.

When I was a kid, we had to prepare for a play. Each group has to follow a specific uniform code so that the members look alike. Given the previous fact, the choreography we were about to perform would look harmonic. In every group there was a leader ( I never had the chance to be a leader. Always that fancy, surrounded, good looking girl steels the show. I can't compare to her, I'm not even close. All because my hair is covered. ) that tries to bring all group members to agree on an idea or take a vote. She said that the uniform would be a white shirt and a black short skirt. I was one of the group and I don't wear short skirts. To be honest, I've never been comfortable in skirts. I always think that if I ever fall wearing a skirt, I can end up in an extremely embarrassed situation. So, I proposed that we choose pants instead. They all disagree. I understood and proposed they all wear the short skirt they all wanted and I'll be wearing pants making sure that I respect the bottom colour we agreed on. They remained silent, I took the silence for a yes because they've already moved to discuss how we'll be performing the choreography.

One day before the show, I saw our coordinator (or shall I say leader ) crying in despair and all the other members trying to calm her and wipe her tears. When I got close, they started looking at me in a weird way as if I did something wrong. I asked her why she's crying and one of the other girls said : " She doesn't want to talk right now, she doesn't feel well. ". I shook my head and stood right next to them. Suddenly, her best friend said : " What are you waiting for? You're the problem! We agreed on black skirts and you wouldn't do like us just so that you can be different. Our choreography will never be as amazing as the others. Look at the other groups, they fit perfectly. Look at us, we can't be like them because we have you! ". I was hurt. Her words were literally extracting me as if I was a piece of garbage. Even if they all knew that this is the best I can do and that the only option left is throwing me out of the group, they wouldn't change their minds. However, they can't just throw me out of the group, they need the teacher's consent to do so with a good reason (not just because of a "lack of appearance"). One of the girls stood up and said : " You can manage to wear the same uniform as us just for one day. I mean, it won't kill you... ". I was in an impossible situation and I wanted to participate because we will perform on a stage in front of our parents. Just like every other kid, I wanted to be seen and I wanted to see my parents applauding at the end of our choreography.

[ Just for the record, I was hardly accepted in groups. In the classrooms where I've been, they would keep choosing each other until all groups are made and I remain alone until our teacher puts me in with a random group (or the shortest group) or sometimes I remain with some classmates that weren't chosen too so we end up making the group of " the unchosen mates ". ]

So I went to our teacher and told her that I can't participate to the choreography with the girls. Honestly, I don't remember the excuse I gave her but I'm 100% sure it was a lie. It's not like the teacher was an idiot or something, she clearly noticed the vibe before and after me leaving that group. She felt something was wrong with me. She didn't want to dig deeper and investigate so she announced the news to the girls. They were instantly relieved.

Just after that, our teacher came to me and said : " Are you afraid of being exposed on the stage ? ". I answered : " Nope, I'm fine. ". Then she said : " Listen do you know [name of a guy in my class - I'm currently still in touch with him after more than 15 years] ? ". I replied : " Yes". She said : " He's not performing the choreography with his group too because his arm was hurt in an accident. So since you two are left out of the groups, I thought maybe we could bring you together into another play. Just the two of you in a play. However, it's not a dance or a presentation. It's going to be a long talk between you and him about how science changes our lives. Disclaimer : you'll have to memorize a lot of lines but the spotlight will be just on you two. How does that sound?". I won't lie, I was a little bit nervous but I accepted the deal and so he does. The best part is that we were only two persons involved so the repeating and practicing was easy to manage (less people = less problems). No uniform required, no tears or drama. We were both excluded so we were trying to prove ourselves by working hard on our parts.

On the day D, everybody was making up and trying to be on the best look they could show. All in order to fascinate the audience. Since we [the guy and me] had no clothes requirements/makeup, we were going to be the final play of the day and we weren't even in the same room as the others. Also, they said that they wanted the audience to concentrate on the idea we were about to bring on the stage that's why they wanted us to stay away from the others (distraction). I still remember, we were playing with awkward tools in that room just to escape the stressful waiting time. Adrenaline was making its way up. For a bit, I felt happy because I was wearing what I wanted and I was comfortable with the guy. [ Here's the thing with my boy friends - not boyfriends - (at least some of them) : they don't make a big fuss about how you look. Especially at that age. ] I was wearing a white dress and all I was hoping for is to make myself and my parents proud.

Our turn, I went out there with my own mic straight to the chair next to the piano. I didn't play, it was the first-sight they wanted to show to the audience after the opening. I was shaking in the beginning but I was reassured by the guy who looked calm and ready. We played our parts like we did in the repeating sessions. We followed exactly what was on the papers. When we were done, those people we were exposed to (including our parents) stood up and clapped their hands as hard as they could. I'd give anything to go back to that beautiful moment. Truly, it was a reward of all the lines we learned by heart and all the rejections we went through.

As I'm growing up, I'm slowly realizing that it's about attitude. I can't say that I'm 100% not doing what others impose me to do (directly or indirectly) but I'm making progress. As my Kung-Fu coach says : " Remove everything that's blocking you in the way. Only fight for what's worth. ". Since I took this road, my friends circle has been tiny and restricted. I'm definitely not changing myself physically or mentally just because you said so or just because you're not comfortable this way. If there's something in me that bothers you, you can talk to me about it but not telling me how to get rid of it or how to change it right away. I can understand if it's a bad thing, I can maybe adjust my behaviour for next time but if you criticize me or force me to follow your direction, I'll leave and maybe without a word. [ Excuse my manners but sometimes I remain silent because there's just nothing left to say. I don't like to be treated like a valet. I'm not born to be someone's puppet, they didn't throw me in the world to obey and say 'Life's good'. You push me past my breaking point, you'll get : blacklisted or severely confronted. Believe me, I lost many friends in the way and I don't regret any of it]

- K


About the author


Translating my thoughts into words, lines, paragraphs and endless pages. đź“ś

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