40 Consequences of My Affair as Experienced by My Spouse

An affair has consequences.

Most of them are experienced by the betrayed spouse. Showing I understand the consequences of my actions is part of my atonement. I brought on this pain.

To show I understand, this is a list of some of the consequences my spouse experienced as a result of my actions.

Sleep

Being up all night experiencing flashbacks and anxious thoughts. Overwhelmed by emotions — grief and hurt. Wanting me to confess what I had done and face the consequences. These are all worse at night and have cost many hours of sleep.

2. Job

Due to lack of sleep and extreme emotions, he had to take stress leave. His job treated him like a pariah and eventually changed his hours, forcing him to leave. The inability to work was a tremendous blow to his confidence.

3. Money

Not working for six months is most obvious while dealing with the trauma. Second is money spent on coping mechanisms. And last, but probably most important, is the money I spent on games and presents for my affair partner, causing hurt and anger. It wasn’t my money to spend, it was ours together, not mine alone.

4. Stress

Post-betrayal syndrome is painful. The stress of having to hear all the ways I betrayed my husband — emotional, sexual, love. With months of pain, flashbacks, and uncovering the truth of my actions, his stress is staggering.

5. Relationship with the kids

I put our kids in the middle of my affair. As a result, our kids withdrew from their relationship with their dad. Because of me.

6. Relationship with friends

When facing an affair, many people say the betrayed spouse should leave and judge them if they stay. Lots of his friends told my husband they’d leave if their spouse cheated, but he didn’t. And I know many of his friendships are changed.

7. Extreme emotional pain

Betrayal is trauma. Trauma comes with extreme emotions. Unbelievable, all-but-intolerable pain, hurt, anger, sadness, grief, despair. Those are only a few he’s experienced.

8. Sense of self

Years of betrayal destroyed my husband’s sense of self. Everything he thought we had was destroyed. The betrayal consumes him and he struggles to define who he is.

9 . Sex Life

I used sex to manipulate my spouse. I also sent sexually explicit texts and pictures of myself to my affair partner. After these awful actions combined with trauma, my husband’s sexual desire and satisfaction has changed. Maybe forever.

10. Enjoyment of Life

How do you enjoy anything when facing betrayal? Depression and loss of confidence has harmed my husband. Enjoyment of anything is often scarce in our relationship.

11. Motivation

My husband experienced periods of mania following discovery of my affair, where he cleaned the entire house and wrote pages of advice for myself and our children. This mania was followed by days of no motivation. This was a symptom of being betrayed.

12. Relationship with parents

Having to confess his deepest pain to his parents changed how they viewed him. My in-laws tried to offer help as best they could with advice and emotional support. But I know they see me, and my husband, differently.

13. Enjoyment of gaming

Gaming was where I met and conducted my affair. My husband has lost the joy of gaming.

14. Addiction

As my withdrawal increased, my husband sought escape. After a decade free of cannabis use, legal use brought this back into our lives. This helps him numb and handle the pain of the betrayal. But he feels ashamed of returning to addiction.

15. Three stolen years

I stole three years from my family. Hours of gaming, total withdrawal from their lives. My husband says time is our most important asset, and I stole that.

16. How he cares

When he discovered my betrayal, everything turned upside down. His trust was broken. And there were times he didn’t care about my feelings because the hurt was too bad.

17. Values of fidelity

My husband has potent feelings about fidelity. He thought if one of us strayed, the relationship was over. Instead, he had to betray his values to stay with me.

18. How he sees me

For our years together, he saw me as trustworthy. The betrayal changed his view of his wife to someone who could deceive and hurt him deeply.

19. Trust in me

After all of my lies, he can no longer trust me. Will trust ever return? We aren’t sure yet.

20. Twenty years of marriage

Many betrayed spouses, my husband included, feel the entire relationship is a lie after infidelity. It ruined our whole marriage.

21. Trust in people

If you can’t trust your spouse, who can you trust? Very few people.

22. Hopes and dreams

A long-term relationship has hopes and dreams. Betrayal obliterated those for my husband. Rebuilding is difficult.

23. Having to take medication

No sleep … depression … rage. If a betrayed spouse can’t function, they need help. A doctor prescribed medication for my husband when he was attempting to return to work. But the experience was tough. A blow to his ego.

24. Reading my texts

I hid my texts. I had a secret app that he found. And my husband confronted by force the full nature of my betrayal all alone, because I had not confessed it.

25. Bad self-image

I was in love with another man — a man I considered extremely sexy and beautiful. My husband compares himself to the other man. His plummeting self-image was a consequence of my choices.

26. Post-betrayal syndrome

I originally labelled this PTSD, but I watched a couple of TED Talks about Post-Betrayal Syndrome. So, it’s not in the DSM, but a significant portion of betrayed people report similar symptoms. Flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and trouble sleeping are most common.

27. Feeling attacked by my defensiveness

It’s not fair to my husband that my shame makes me defensive. Defensiveness is one person shifting blame to another person. It’s painful to him when I attack instead of taking responsibility or don’t listen.

28. The days in the park

Once he caught me still in contact, two months after I promised to end my affair. My husband interrogated me. We spent days in the dark, me in a daze, while I answered all his questions. It was painful to him that he needed to force me into giving him the full truth.

29. Seeing my sexy pictures

I sent my affair partner many sexy photos. Pictures I refused to send my husband. That act was immensely hurtful and haunting.

30. Pain of not me sharing intimacy

For three years, I withheld all intimate connection from my husband. I planned to leave him for a time. I completely withheld my life for three years, while he thought he was making me happy.

31. Health costs

Stomach issues have flared up for my husband. Lack of sleep takes its toll on his body and health. And we have yet to see the effects of increased smoking and stress.

32. Social shame

To the world he is the betrayed spouse. Even if no one outright says anything, we all know and judge others. The stigma and social shame exist.

33. Self-care problems

Living in a state of anxiety and depression made it difficult for my husband to care for himself. He spent a lot of time trying to distract himself from or numb his feelings, leaving little room for eating, exercise, or hygiene in his days following the discovery.

34. Feeling out of control

The intensity of his emotions made him feel out of control. Some days he lived in fight-or-flight mode, hiding away because seeing me was too painful.

35. Thinking of leaving the kids

When he forced me into revealing my affair, my husband planned to leave our home immediately, and thus leave the kids, while he built a new life, living in his car or with friends. This painful forced abandonment haunted us.

36. The basement

Our basement was the scene of the affair. I spent hours with my affair partner gaming downstairs. My husband hated going downstairs for months.

37. Seeing me hurt

Despite all the pain I caused my husband, he wanted to care for me. Seeing me upset was difficult and made our recovery take longer. His focus on me delayed his anger.

38. Numbness

The extreme emotions were unbearable. So, he sought numbness through many options, drugs, hiding from me, fighting, demanding to know the details.

39. Flashbacks

Trauma — big T trauma, often has flashbacks as the core symptom. Memories of me disappearing downstairs, talking to my affair partner on the phone, and videos of me were some of his flashback experiences.

40. Ruminating Thoughts

Rumination is repeating negative thoughts. Questions about why I betrayed him cycled as the most common form. But he also focuses on his deep personal pain.

This list isn’t exhaustive or in depth. It’s an attempt to show the affects I have observed.

But most of all it’s a public and vulnerable apology to my spouse for my betrayal.