Victim or Survivor

TW: Mention of self harm and suicide attempts

I'll preface this article with I have never listened to any other songs by Citizen Soldier. I had never heard of them until I found out from an Icon for Hire stream where they told fans about an "upcoming collab," being with Citizen Soldier. As soon as I saw that it was on Spotify, I listened to it over and over... And over because of the lyrics.

I'll start with the chorus and why I love it, mainly how I can relate to it.

"When it rains, you can drown or you can be baptized.

When you hit rock bottom, you can cry or climb.

Crutch or a crown, only you decide, victim or survivor.

Be born by the battle or just wave a white flag.

Deciding not to die, that might be all you have.

You can make that choice or you can be your past, victim or survivor."



For starters, I have struggled with my mental health for a long time, about 11 years at this point. I started to hurt myself to cope with depression when I was 12. At the time, I knew something was wrong with my mental health but I didn't want to tell anyone. I was scared of how people would react, how I'd be treated if I was honest. Eventually, I told a teacher and she told the counselor, so my parents ended up finding out because of mandated reporting. Rather than getting me a therapist, they grounded me. That just further isolated me from my friends at the time since I couldn't talk to them outside of school. 

Then, about a year later, I was diagnosed with epilepsy, only 4 months after my grandma's pancreatic cancer diagnosis. That was impossible to hide from the outside world. I would cry, nearly daily, asking what I did to deserve everything. At that point in life, everything was stacked against me. I was going to lose my grandma, I lost "friends" (that was a blessing in disguise, I just didn't know until years later), I was dealing with puberty and hormones, and I was fighting depression alone. Then, there was the side effect of wanting to kill myself from a medicine that stopped me from having seizures.

Another year later, I finally started seeing a therapist and I always felt like a victim of life. My life was crumbling around me.

Fast forward to becoming an graduating from high school and becoming an adult. I was finally taking my health seriously and learning to take care of myself. I realized maybe I was thrown all these curve balls because I am stronger than many people my age.

Fast forward five more years (to now) and I have made immense progress in my mental health issues. I am just over a year free from self harm when I used to only make it to about a month, at the most. I have survived numerous suicide attempts that happened from mental illness being untreated, or me not being honest because of fear of hospitalizion.

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I know the reason I relate to the lyrics is different from many other people who have commented on the video. However, everyone has struggles but no one's struggles are the same. I feel like everyone can relate to the lyrics in on way or another, as heartbreaking as that is. Like every Icon for Hire song that I've heard (every released song), the message is incredible. Ariel Bloomer (Icon for Hire singer) has a book that talks about her struggles and her recovery. She is an inspirational person to so many people.