Valentine’s Gay

“Alexa. Play a love song.”

“When a maaaaan, loves a womaaaaan....can’t keep his m...”

“Alexa. Stop.”

It’s 3am on February 13th and I’m scouring the internet for a Valentine’s card to give to my girlfriend of seventeen years. If you’ve never been a gay woman on the hunt for a romantic greetings card to give to another gay woman before, let me talk you through your options: There are vaginas. Everywhere. Some artfully drawn, others...not. Boobs, lots of boobs. The creative use of the word (?) ‘Lez’ is something to behold! Shout out to my personal favourite: “Lez Be An Couple”.

I imagine this is what being a vegan in the early noughties must have felt like. Slim pickings. Yes, you’ve FINALLY got a slither of shelf-space in your local supermarket but what IS there kinda makes you vom a little bit in your mouth.

“Alexa. Show me some romantic movies.”

My late night research tells me that only straight, white people fall in love. And Sandra Bullock is their queen (which, incidentally, I’m not mad at. Sandra IS a queen). Wikipedia also informs me that Valentine’s Day may have started in honour of ancient men whipping young ladies with animal hides in the hopes of pleasing the fertility gods. Good times!

I could go back to bed and accept that Valentine’s Day is a heteronormative party that I’m not invited to. Or, I could do what I did, which was throw my very own tiny party to celebrate my newly invented, not-really-thought-through-but-it’s-gonna-be-awesome, annual holiday. February 13th shall henceforth be known as ‘Valentine’s GAY’. It’s gonna be HUGE, guys. There’s gonna be movies (I’m thinking Kristen Stewart, Lena Waithe, Elliot Paige and...Sandra Bullock. I’m not a total idiot). There will be greetings cards without genitals. There will be rainbow rosé. But until those better days, I leave you with this: your very own Valentine’s Gay Playlist. As Lady Gaga once said:

“Music is one of the most powerful things the world has to offer. No matter what race or religion or nationality or sexual orientation or gender that you are, it has the power to unite us.”

Amen. With each of these songs, where girls croon girls and boys miss boys, I hope you find the loving feeling you deserve this February. Ready? Lez go!

Sorry.

The Gaylist:

1.She Keeps Me Warm - Mary Lambert

If Dawson’s Creek had a reboot with a Joey and Jen romance, this song would 10000% be the theme tune. It shares a chorus with Macklemore & Ryan Lewis’ ‘Same Love’ and is Lambert’s musical expression of growing up LGBTQI+ in a religious family. A beautiful love song.

2. Straight Boy - Shamir

Has a straight boy ruined your life? Well you might not feel like it but you’re in luck! Vegas’ finest, Shamir, has penned a song about just that. It’s also just really refreshing to hear the heterosexual male, usually a lead character in traditional love songs, being defined as so without it being assumed to be presumed! I think I just discovered what homonormative music sounds like!

3. Constant Craving - k.d. lang

No explanation necessary. The pied piper of lesbians.

4. What a Beautiful Day - Brett Every

The thing I love about this song is, whilst we’re so lucky that we have a flurry of young, new artists singing and rapping about their same-sex love, we‘ve missed out on a lot of the schmaltz of yesteryear. Back in the day, when many of the sentimental love songs were being produced, gay was not ok. This song, although released in 2012, has an oldy-worldy vibe that’s as schmaltzy as you like AND it’s about two men on their wedding day. Comes with a misty-eye warning.

5. Forrest Gump - Frank Ocean

Just a boy...standing in front of another boy...asking him to shake his pom-poms. Big ‘first crush’ vibes here and a lovely personal tale of young love from Frank Ocean.

6. I Wanna be your Girlfriend - Girl in Red

For anyone who’s in the friend-zone this February, this is the song for you. Sidenote: if the object of your affection’s name is Hannah, play them this song. They’ll either reeeeeally like it or sloooowly back away from you at a calm-yet-brisk pace. Either way, you’ll know their true feelings. You’re welcome.

7. The Scientist - Horse

Coldplay...but make it gay. A beautiful cover by Scotland’s iconic songstress, Horse McDonald. I have a theory that Horse is the secret love-child of k.d.lang and Annie Lennox (#queens). Listen and tell me I’m right.

8. If U Love Me Now - MUNA

One for the melancholy. If you’ve just gone through a break-up, pop this tune on and find yourself a rainy window to gaze out of. You’ll feel like you’re in your own music video and that makes EVERYONE feel better. MUNA remove any gender pronouns from their music so anyone can enjoy, without labels.

9. Touch - Shura

No romantic playlist would be complete without a yearning, aching, I-want-you-but-I-shouldn’t-but-I-still-kinda-do unrequited love song. Shura provides. And she’s also really fun on Twitter.

10. Beautiful - Meshell Ndegeocello

Finally, if you’ve found your one (or two - I’ve seen that L-Word ‘thruple’ episode) and you‘re in the mood for some steam, grab your candles and all the Lush bath bombs you can afford (so...like...one?) and prepare to feel all the sexy tingles courtesy of Meshell Ndegeocello. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Thank you for coming to my Valentine’s Gay party, see you next Feb?

Any tips from this story will be donated to my favourite LGBTQI+ charity each week so thank you for supporting some wonderful organisations should you choose to pop a penny in my jar!