Soothing the Beast

Heart, your heart, it beats strong in one’s chest, bringing to life not only you, but all around you. I don’t feel that. It appears the idea that all will be okay, however in the thick of things, you, I, find us lost. Unsure of oneself, unsure and unaware that noting means something different than what you intended. You search for answers in the bottom of Jim Bean, but the bottom become two or more, you take a long drag off the blunt you roll, but the problem is there when you get down.

There is no way for you to escape, so what do you do?

For me, I have not drunk in over 17 years, never done any other drug but nicotine and working on quitting that to, what I have found so far to work is a combination of meditation using the Mindfulness app that the VA provided me as well as different variants of rock music that comfort me.

When I get stressed and come to the point where I do not want to do anything but yell, scream, destroy something because I am angry, I think now (did not do much of that before) about the consequences and how it looks to my family. They see the difference, they remember the promise I made and how I was going to change so they would not have to walk on eggshells around me, fearful of what I may do to them for stepping out of line. To this accord, pact that I made with them, to show that I am worthy of their love and admiration, I strive to make this change daily. No matter what comes.

I pay for Amazon Music Unlimited and abuse the heck out of it. When things get bad, I put my earbuds in and listen and type out a story or some sort of explanation like I am doing now. Listening to “Kill for Me” by Marilyn Manson, now the next track is “Zombie” by Bad Wolves. It is on a playlist and there is little control minus the skip button to listen to something else, but this works, it fits, that song fits, “What’s in your head…Zombie…” what is in my head?

Though the song is as I believe about PTSD, which I suffer from, I have flashbacks from my Fire Fighting days as well as what happened to me while I was in a different state, it only lingers and does not go away. No way to make it better. Though true, I may add, I have no Military Flashbacks but I still get them and they are sometimes hard to deal with.

Music so far had been my savior, songs about me, my life, from the woman I fell in love with to the fact that there are times where I am near willing to commit suicide, though adding it has been a long time since I felt that way, I know that those feelings are buried and will resurface, I try not to dwell on them.

Mindfulness exercises are great, taking deep breaths and listening to the guide count to eight for breathing in, then hold for four, followed by exhaling for 8. Wiggling my fingers and toes, tightening muscles, and picturing clouds and watching them go by while a soft rhythmic sound plays behind it all.

Listening to the Relaxation and Stress Relief playlist on Amazon is another huge help. Allows me, after a Mindfulness exercise to finish relaxing and breathing in the sights and sounds of the birds chirping in the background while they eat from the feeders that my neighbor placed around her yard. The smell in the air of my house and the cool crispness of the outside when I do venture out there. The smile that comes to my face as I feel the load that sprung upon me levitate off and disperse in the atmosphere. From the sip of the coffee that was just brewed for me by my son, to my wife waking and smiling at me as she walks out from her room. The look of understanding she gives when I tell her what is bothering me.

As I am learning, compartmentalizing seems to be the best bargain for anyone and everyone. Though I have yet to master the idea, I can honestly say, the idea had merit and I am working on making it real.

As you can see, listening to music helps. It saves me from a lot and I am not touching anywhere close to where I want to. Since I do not want this to be too long and drag my emotional state down in a shipwreck of my life.