Songs to Destroy Me

The brief for the melodic milestone playlist is to create a soundtrack to your life. I’ll be 36 on Saturday, and I’ve had some great times in my life, but you can’t tell a story of a life without discussing the pain. Below is a list of songs that mean so much to me, because I associate them with memories of sadness and loss. Sometimes it is OK to be sad, and when I look for meaning in music, these are the songs I turn to.

I’ve given a fair amount of thought as to how I would present these songs. I can’t rank them, as each song ties to a specific memory of love and loss. I’ll try and guide you through my life and my thought process as we go, but to be honest, I was mostly just a mess at the times these songs showed up in my life, so I clung to them as a life raft.

When I see other people do these sorts of things, they link YouTube videos. I don’t know how to do that, which is probably a good thing. But if you feel like getting in your feels, check these out.

Million Miles Away – Offspring

‘Each passing day, every passing face, seems like such a blur. I long to be, home silently, lying next to her.’

Pop punk is fun, right? Pop punk is about love, good times, and being a loser but doing it with friends. Or at least that’s how I understood it, until I heard this. Little 14-year-old me had never heard a song this good be this sad. Million Miles Away is not so much about loss than separation. Your responsibilities in life sometimes take you away from those that you love, and at that point all you can do is power through. At 14, I didn’t understand this, but a few years later it started to make sense.

Afire Love – Ed Sheeran

‘My father told me, son, it’s not his fault he doesn’t know your face.’

Ed Sheeran does a good line in sad songs; in fact, he’s made quite the career from it. Songs such as The A-Team, Photograph, and Supermarket Flowers are well known, and great songs. But they aren’t personal to me. Which is why I want to highlight an album track from the X album. My grandfather was, to me, an extraordinary man. Which is why, when Alzheimer’s took hold, it was all the more devastating. Sheeran’s song is at heart a love song, about a relationship that lasts the distance, where love and passion prevail. But in the end, it is a horrible affliction that robs them of the last time they all have together.

Ohio (Come Back to Texas) – Bowling for Soup

‘So when you’re done doing whatever, and when you’re through doing whoever.’

It’s sad to think that at one point, I thought this was one of the worst moments of my life. My first real relationship lasted just a couple of weeks shy of ten years. It wasn’t perfect, but even at the age of 27 I still thought that if your relationship had love, everything would work out. I guess that shows that you can be naïve at any age. In the end, it turned out to be providence. I often look back at decisions made, and missed opportunities, and do the theoretical ‘What if?’, and the answer that I always get is that I wouldn’t have what I have now if not for the steps that I have taken. So why have I chosen the greatest song ever written about Texas, Ohio? Because less than three weeks after we ended our 10 year relationship, she was dating someone else. I don’t believe she ever cheated on me, but she was obviously mentally checked out of our relationship long before it ended. So what did I lose from this moment? Mostly just ten years of my life. But at least I made some good friends out of it, and it took me here.

Overthinking – Conor Scott

‘I’m over overthinking, there’s something more I need than, what you have given me so far.’

I first discovered Conor Scott when I saw his audition for The Voice UK in its second or third season. I couldn’t tell you about a single other contestant from that program, but he did a rendition of Ellie Goulding’s Starry Eyed’ that absolutely blew me away. He obviously didn’t last very long in the competition, UK talent shows dislike any music even slightly alternative, but a little while back, I was searching for the audition clip on YouTube and I stumbled across this beauty of a song. I was in a, I supposed you’d call it a ‘situationship’, although I didn’t know it at the time. My doubts crept in, I know that I shouldn’t wonder if I am enough, but I suppose that’s why they call it overthinking. I hate doing it, but sometimes you have to wonder why people take the actions that they do, and what part you had to play in it, and why it is that they have turned to someone else instead of you.

Brighter Days – Scouting for Girls

‘Brighter days, brighter days are coming, over them hills. Don’t be afraid, it’s gonna be OK darling, I swear to God it will.’

Man, the first time I heard this song it absolutely wrecked me. The aforementioned situation had just ended, not going in my favour, and I was genuinely convinced that I was going to be alone forever, that I was some kind of unlovable monster. I didn’t like being alone, and every time I tried to come to terms with it, I just couldn’t. So when I heard this song it hit me like a freight train. I’ll leave it up to you to decide if this is actually a sad song or a message of hope, but it was just what I needed at that point in my life. I haven’t really had any friends, at least not since I left Manchester, but I do have a loving family, who I know would do whatever it takes to make me happy, so I tried to learn to take the joy in that.

If You Could See Me Now – The Script

‘Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow? Oh, if you could see me now.’

I’m an absolute mess right now. I wasn’t sure if I would share this song to my list at all. I never lie to you, reader. But I do sometimes omit details. This song represents the worst moment of my life, and my pain, even after all these years, is too private, and too important to cheapen to gain sympathy or likes. I hope you understand, my friends. If you know the song, you know the story, and let me end by saying that I don’t know if there is anything after this life, or if they can see us. But until recently, I really hoped that they can’t.

And now, somehow, I’ve upset myself with my own story. Damn.

So that is the soundtrack to my life. It’s a story of pain, experiences, and growth. These things that have happened are a part of me, but they are not me. I am more than just my experiences. And so are you.