Playlist of 2020

Over the course of a year, I have realized that many things can change. I developed a playlist that really helped motivate me through my hardest moments. My top 2020 playlist on Spotify is the definition of my growth and discovery all in one. It displays the people I met. The different experiences that I went through. How my emotions were released from the safe. Most importantly, how I am dealing with these new emotions.

It all really started when this pandemic started. I still lived with my sister, but the place that I was living in was just dragging me down. The person I was with at that time was not making me happy. I broke up with them and I had never felt so liberated in my life. What I would see in the mirror was a shadow of my despair looking back at me. I was heavily disassociating every day and the first two songs that really started my journey were K-pop songs. Around my birthday in May, I was still living with my sister, but I had started to work out and felt a little bit less restricted.

1. Silent Night – Dreamcatcher

The beginning of the beginning. Growing out of my shell and expanding my motivation. Making my search through the unknown and finding a little bit of hope. Starting up the energy build-up that I needed to make a change every moment that I woke up.

2. Any Song- ZICO

Got me to start moving and dancing especially along with the choreography that had been created for it. The overall tone of the song was not only catchy but really brought a smile to my face every single time I heard it.

It was around the end of May, that I moved out with my parents and slightly shifted my playlist. I started to work out more and started the Paleo diet. It really helped me stay focused on my goal of losing weight. It worked because I lost over 50 pounds. I realized that I had been putting my body through constant junk food that was just making my body feel super fatigued. Every morning I had the energy to work out and actually want to. When I worked out, I would listen to music that would help me focus and tune out everything that was going on around me. I loved to listen to music that challenged my senses, and that drove me to keep going even after I feel like dying. Not only did I work on intensity, but flexibility. Around this time, I also met someone that introduced me to the 80’s music genre. I will forever be grateful to them. Overall, I really gained the utmost confidence in the summer through hard work and dedication.

3. Please, Please, Please, let me get what I want - The Smiths

This soft melody was what got me through the transition of moving and starting to feel free. Free from the constricts of not having my own privacy and not being able to speak freely. To be able to enjoy the peace of having my own room.

4. IDORU- Grimes

Every time I worked out prior to actually doing anything. I did stretches that really made my muscles expand. That was a really hard process without this song because I felt very light and felt like I could do it for hours on end.

5. Superfohn Bananendate- We Butter the Bread with Butter

I really enjoyed the beginning of this song because it helped my intense workouts start. When I worked out and I felt out of breath I just needed to listen to this song to keep me pushing. Whatever the workout I would always be able to do more.

6. No me Importa- In this Moment

I started to listen to this whole album released by In this Moment but this song stood out to me more than the rest because of how free I felt from my ex. I no longer felt tied to making another person happy. I could just care about what I really cared about... myself.

7. The In-Between - In this Moment

I had to get a song to help me get through the days where I did not feel like doing anything. Where I could stand tall and strut my growing self-esteem. Where I could break through the food discrepancies surrounding my family. I was trying to eat healthily. While my stepfather judged me for not eating what I used to, becoming something better than I was.

8. The Promise - When in Rope

I am a hopeless romantic, and this song reminded me of the promises that I had made in the past. Yet, this song is not about the past that I had gone through. It was more about the promises to come.

9. Vienna - Ultravox

I absolutely loved to sing along to this song. This song always put me in an alternative realm. Every single time I heard this; I woke up mentally. I imagined myself walking with the group in the music video. It really connected me to my inner soul, especially when hitting the high notes.

10. Fashion After All - Poppy

The beat of this song is very catchy and made me feel amazing. Around the first time, I heard this song I had bought my first pair of T.U.K boots. I wore them and modeled them in front of my mirror. I felt so confident and could care less about what other people would say about me.

Around August, I had started my first class doing medical terminology, because I had been accepted into a Medical Coding Program. I finished the first class around October, but quickly realized when I started the next class that I did not want to do the program anymore. I hit yet another roadblock and it was around this time that I had started a job at Walmart. I would work from 3 pm-12 am; I was a stocker, and really enjoyed every aspect of the job except the management. What had started off great quickly went downhill because I had soon realized that I did not know what I wanted to do with my life. This led to my overeating. I was lonely and I did not really know who to reach out to. I was blinded by how desolate I was. Despite that, I had coworkers that kept me fortified.

11. Am I a girl? – Poppy

Expressing myself in more ways than one and exploring what makes me feel confident across my gender identity. I realized that I was comfortable being anything and everything whether it be a woman, a man, or neither. I got confused a lot like a dude at Walmart, but I did not mind at all.

12. Ode to the Mets – The Strokes

The soft tone of this song and the guitar riffs really caught my attention and helped me put my thoughts into perspective. I was scared to say that I did not want to become a medical coder anymore because it involved being in the medical field. I was literally scraping for excuses, but at the same time catching the bravery I needed.

13. Burning the Witches - Ocean Black, Dennis Nzl

I felt lost and felt like I was thrown into a black hole. This song made me want to crawl into my knees and recoup myself. Tie my mental mentality to my inner core.

14. Below - Leprous

This song made me reflect on the negative aspects of becoming another failure. My parents always compared me to my sister because she became a medical assistant and makes a decent living. They realized that I was not going to finish the medical coding program and yet again they criticized me.

15. Natural Born Sinner - In this Moment

Despite the comments that my parents had to say, I let them know that I wanted to be happy and not live someone else's dream. My happiness came first, and I was going to do what felt right. This song gave me the audacity to be me.

It was at the beginning of November when I met the most beautiful purest human being that I had ever come across. They filled me with so much happiness, but the reality of the situation was that I was scared to fall for them. I knew the moment we hung out that I was getting attached. I was scared not only to fall but to release the emotions I had long put away in the safe. I remember the very first entire day that we texted like it was yesterday and that is saying something because my memory is not the best. They were very unique and had the most wonderful voice. Unfortunately, as quickly as they came into my life, I drove them away. The songs listed below remind me of them.

16. Break My Heart Again - FINNEAS

The number of times I had my heart broken did not matter when I met them. I let all of my emotions out from the safe because I trusted them. I wanted to share my happiness with them. The excitement they brought to my heart made everything better.

17. Heather - Conan Gray

This song was introduced to me by them and even though it had nothing to do with the relationship I had with them. The very melodic aspect of this song reminds me of them. It brings all the nostalgia of me meeting them for the first-time flow into me like a river breaking from a dam.

18. Thinkin Bout You - KATIE

I tried to get them back, and I tried to be everything that I hoped they wanted from me but no matter how hard I tried, it was pointless. I had lost them forever, and it broke me knowing that I would never get another opportunity to be in their life.

Towards the end of November, I was in a car crash that gave me two small fractures on my vertebrae. I lost my car, broke my glasses, broke my aligners for my teeth. I wore a neck brace for about 3 weeks. It was such an unpleasant experience especially after taking it off because I was really stiff. I lost my longest job I had ever had because I no longer had a car. It was exactly what I needed to really set my priorities straight and focus on what was most important. I am ready to take on this new year head-on with no boundaries or obstacles getting in my way. I am not going to give up on finding what I am passionate about. I do not give up easily and sticking to this playlist throughout the majority of next year will remind me of how far I have grown.

19. The Fighter - In this Moment

I only need me, myself, and I. This song makes me feel very powerful and strong. It makes me remember all the moments that I went through. All the obstacles that I have had to deal with, seem trivial. It keeps me going. It makes me care about myself because I really see all that I have gone through. I have come very far, and I know there is more to come. It makes me ready for anything and everything.

20. Unbreakable - New Years Day

Not only did hearing this song help my workouts go for longer periods of time, but it made me feel unstoppable. I still love to listen to this song. It gets my adrenaline pumping, and it will keep being my song beyond this year. Every time I felt like giving up this song made me keep going. When I was knocked down and failed, I was able to get back up and fight back.