My Ode To DMX

My ex-fiancé messaged me and let me know DMX overdosed. When I hear overdose I automatically think of death. So I was freaking out asking him over and over if he passed but was still in disbelief. All the years DMX has been on and off drugs he’s never overdosed so it can’t be true-right? I ended up doing my internet investigating and found out he did indeed overdose and was not showing any brain function. I was in denial and literally was talking to myself saying "he's such a strong MF he’s gonna pull through, watch!" That day most of my friends reached out to me to ask me if I knew and if I was ok. I was already perplexed on how hard I was taking it, but for my ex and close friends to contact me about it as if he was a family member I was like damn this is serious they must just be worried I’ll fall off the handle or something. But anyone that knows me well knows I have always been obsessed with his music, struggles and just him as a person but after losing the closest people to me unexpectedly or tragically I disconnected. I lit a candle, spoke out loud if X could hear me and told him he's gonna be ok and make it through and to be strong.

I have lost people the closest to me either completely unexpectedly or tragically. So I am basically numb to death and don't feel anything really when someone I don't know or famous person dies. I mostly view death as a blessing because I believe it's the ultimate release of all pain and torment and you are finally completely at peace. But of course when It’s someone dear to me that passes on I’m selfish as hell and mourn and go into a dark place. The night before he passed away there were so many false stories and social media posts that he passed on or his family was about to pull the plug on his life support and that's when the tears started flowing. And I must have cursed out at least 5 people on Facebook for spreading the false rumor and putting that energy into the universe (I’m highly Spiritual). Well one of my good friends posted an article from an entertainment source that he was gone and I ended up flipping on him too after googling it and no new news. He ended up deleting the post but shortly messaged me and said it was on a few sites, I then looked again and it literally was reported 16 minutes before I read it. I apologized and went hysterical. My cousin called but I was crying so hard i couldn't barely breathe fuck speaking to everyone. Then my anger came out and I said that I don't care I need to get high. I have been clean for over a month and that hurt her and she begged me to not and think about it and probably hit me up like 15 times in 3 hours to make sure I'm good. I didn't use any drugs. Just drank wine and cried and yelled at him for dying.

Dmx, originally known as Earl Simmons was born December 18th, 1970. His mother was 19 and was not able to even take care of the daughter she already had, her sister took her in. She refused to take in yet another one of her sister’s children so DMX unfortunately stayed with his mother. She was said to be promiscuous and DMX in his own words said “There was certainly more than enough men around for her.” She was mentioned to be an alcoholic and mentally unstable and abusive as well. DMX has had plenty of trauma in his life starting at a young age. There's many circumstances that can bring on addiction but trauma is usually the “illness” that causes addiction issues and is the hardest to treat. He slept in a small one bedroom apartment in Yonkers with his mother mentioning as an adult that he had roaches crawling on him all night as he tried to sleep on the hard floor, not to mention his mother entertaining all the men

Dmx suffered from severe bronchial asthma and spent a lot of time hospitalized for it. On top of that his mother and even her lovers would physical abuse him over anything, even knocking out teeth and leaving him bruised and bloody. At 6 years old he started acting out, in school he started to become violent with other students and even teachers. A family member introduced him to alcohol at ten years old. For the next 5 years he was in and out of jail and group homes. By the age of 14 he was homeless sleeping on the streets befriending stray dogs. He also got addicted to crack at that age. A “friend” laced marijuana with the crack and he was addicted ever since. In his music he frequently mentioned his struggles with his drug addiction, the lifestyle that it entailed, his struggles with good and evil and was so raw and real about it all and that's so refreshing. Also very therapeutic for someone else who is also struggling in their own or relatable way. Even though ge came off as an angry, drug addicted thug who would rap hard and bark with this deep hoarse voice, there was something so comforting about him to me. And from experience of how my father and I am, the people with the biggest hearts are usually the ones that gotta make a point to put fear in people so we dont get hurt ourselves. During his rap career he had several arrests and some rehab stints. I was lucky, well kind of to see him at a concert hosted by the biggest Hip Hop station in NYC. The hottest rappers at the time were there- G-Unit, Dipset and DMX and Swizz Beats and a few more. Well the sound cut out when he started his set and he started destroying the equipment on stage, and went crazy on the sound guys. DMX looked horrible, he just got on stage and i remember him sweating profusely and he was rambling and not very coherent. It broke my heart to see him like that honestly. Well some jerks in the audience started throwing bottles at him and DMX was already on one so he proceeded to take a metal chair and threw it in the audience hitting a woman in the head. Then basically all hell broke lose and they cancelled the rest of the concert which was Dip-set. He was remorseful after and ended up getting treatment. He never gave up trying to get help or gave up on his spiritual path as well.

His music was so therapeutic to me, especially when I would rap along about robbing and fighting people because I was such an angry and troubled teen myself. I went through my own childhood trauma and then at 13 I was living in a combative house and besides my journals I didn't really have a positive outlet. So I started getting into in trouble myself, started experimenting with drugs at 13 and even caught my first arrest at 15. Girls weren't expected or accepted to act in such a way and I didn't have anyone that related, really. Listening to his struggles made me felt less alone and gave me an outlet as well. And even in my older years his party songs always had me feel hyped up and do my favorite thing-dance like no one is watching, kind of slutty too but whatever! Thank you DMX for you music and sharing you story, baring your soul and being one of the realest to live!

To end this I need to make this one point. The stigma, disrespect and looking at those who struggle with addiction NEEDS TO END! The #1 symptom to cause and make addiction so hard to get over is TRAUMA. These are hurting people, and yes the drugs do more harm than good in the long run but at the moment, most of the time it takes those intense emotions away and makes you numb, or if you feel anxiety it calms you down so you feel more comfortable around people. Addicts are not weak, they have probably lived through shit that judgmental people would have never made it through! And not only that, the talent and art that man provided just by sharing his hardships is rare and outstanding. And a lot of artistic people use substances, a lot of the best in my opinion. Addicts are people too, and just because you don't understand or think its just as easy as not picking up then you are ignorant and I can assure you its a life-long battle that is not curable. DMX could have remained a homeless addict on the streets and gave up on his dreams and never did anything with himself but he refused and gave us others struggling hope and inspiration and I will be forever affected by his unexpected and tragic loss!

I just mentioned I have lost people the closest to me either completely unexpectedly or tragically. So I am basically numb to death and don't feel anything really when someone I don't know or famous person dies. I mostly view death as a blessing because I believe it's the ultimate release of all pain and torment and you are finally completely at peace. But of course when It’s someone dear to me that passes on I’m selfish as hell and mourn and go into a dark place. The night before he passed away there were so many false stories and social media posts that he passed on or his family was about to pull the plug on his life support and that's when the tears started flowing. And I must have cursed out at least 5 people on Facebook for spreading the false rumor and putting that energy into the universe (I’m highly Spiritual). Well one of my good friends posted an article from an entertainment source that he was gone and I ended up flipping on him too after googling it and no new news. He ended up deleting the post but shortly messaged me and said it was on a few sites, I then looked again and it literally was reported 16 minutes before I read it. I apologized and went hysterical. My cousin called but I was crying so hard I couldn't barely breathe fuck speaking to everyone. Then my anger came out and I said that I don't care I need to get high. I have been clean for over a month and that hurt her and she begged me to not and think about it and probably hit me up like 15 times in 3 hours to make sure am good. I didn't use any drugs. Just drank wine and cried and yelled at him for dying.

DMX, originally known as Earl Simmons was born December 18th, 1970. His mother was 19 and was not able to even take care of the daughter she already had, her sister took her in. She refused to take in yet another one of her sister’s children so DMX unfortunately stayed with his mother. She was said to be promiscuous and DMX in his own words said “There was certainly more than enough men around for her.” She was mentioned to be an alcoholic and mentally unstable and abusive as well. DMX has had plenty of trauma in his life starting at a young age. There's many circumstances that can bring on addiction but trauma is usually the “illness” that causes addiction issues and is the hardest to treat. He slept in a small one bedroom apartment in Yonkers with his mother mentioning as an adult that he had roaches crawling on him all night as he tried to sleep on the hard floor, not to mention his mother entertaining all the men

DMX suffered from severe bronchial asthma and spent a lot of time hospitalized for it. On top of that his mother and even her lovers would physical abuse him over anything, even knocking out teeth and leaving him bruised and bloody. At 6 years old he started acting out, in school he started to become violent with other students and even teachers. A family member introduced him to alcohol at ten years old. For the next 5 years he was in and out of jail and group homes. By the age of 14 he was homeless sleeping on the streets befriending stray dogs. He also got addicted to crack at that age. A “friend” laced marijuana with the crack and he was addicted ever since. In his music he frequently mentioned his struggles with his drug addiction, the lifestyle that it entailed, his struggles with good and evil and was so raw and real about it all and that's so refreshing. Also very therapeutic for someone else who is also struggling in their own or relatable way. Even though he came off as an angry-drug addicted thug who would rap hard and bark with this deep hoarse voice, there was something so comforting about him to me. And from experience of how my father and I am, the people with the biggest hearts are usually the ones that got to make a point to put fear in people so we don't get hurt ourselves. During his rap career he had several arrests and some rehab stints. I was lucky, well kind of to see him at a concert hosted by the biggest Hip Hop station in NYC. The hottest rappers at the time were there- G-Unit, Dip-set and DMX and Swizz Beats and a few more. Well the sound cut out when he started his set and he started destroying the equipment on stage, and went crazy on the sound guys. DMX looked horrible, he just got on stage and i remember him sweating profusely and he was rambling and not very coherent. It broke my heart to see him like that honestly. Well some jerks in the audience started throwing bottles at him and DMX was already on one so he proceeded to take a metal chair and threw it in the audience hitting a woman in the head. Then basically all hell broke lose and they cancelled the rest of the concert which was Dipset. He was remorseful after and ended up getting treatment. He never gave up trying to get help or gave up on his spiritual path as well.

His music was so therapeutic to me, especially when I would rap along about robbing and fighting people because I was such an angry and troubled teen myself. I went through my own childhood trauma and then at 13 I was living in a combative house and besides my journals I didn't really have a positive outlet. So I started getting into in trouble myself, started experimenting with drugs at 13 and even caught my first arrest at 15. Girls weren't expected or accepted to act in such a way and I didn't have anyone that related, really. Listening to his struggles made me felt less alone and gave me an outlet as well. And even in my older years his party songs always had me feel hyped up and do my favorite thing-dance like no one is watching, kind of slutty too but whatever! Thank you DMX for you music and sharing you story, baring your soul and being one of the realest to live!

To end this I need to make this one point. The stigma, disrespect and looking at those who struggle with addiction NEEDS TO END! The #1 symptom to cause and make addiction so hard to get over is TRAUMA. These are hurting people, and yes the drugs do more harm than good in the long run but at the moment, most of the time it takes those intense emotions away and makes you numb, or if you feel anxiety it calms you down so you feel more comfortable around people. Addicts are not weak, they have probably lived through shit that judgmental people would have never made it through! And not only that, the talent and art that man provided just by sharing his hardships is rare and outstanding. And a lot of artistic people use substances, a lot of the best in my opinion. Addicts are people too, and just because you don't understand or think its just as easy as not picking up then you are ignorant and I can assure you its a life-long battle that is not curable. DMX could have remained a homeless addict on the streets and gave up on his dreams and never did anything with himself but he refused and gave us others struggling hope and inspiration and I will be forever affected by his unexpected and tragic loss!