My Life Playlist

As the subtitle says, I don't remember anything before the age of 13 because that is when my life started to feel like it was falling apart.

At 13, less than a month after my birthday, my grandma (the one with many poems about her) was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer. My whole family was heartbroken. She basically held the whole family together. The only person I was close to was diagnosed with a cancer they couldn't remove and was given 6-12 months with chemotherapy. She was given 3-6 months without chemo, so she opted to do it for her family. Three months after her diagnosis, I had my first seizure. I was listening to music with a good friend and she told me later on what we were listening to. It was Eyes Open by Taylor Swift, from The Hunger Games soundtrack.

https://youtu.be/8hsVICl7d8k

At 14, after having epilepsy for eight months, I was having severe depressive episodes. I was always fearful that each time I saw my grandma, it would be the last. I still struggled to understand seizures. I didn't want to live. Combining medications and knowing my grandma could die any day, I tried to end it on my own. I was sick of the judgments and bullying I experienced because of epilepsy. I was sick of the anxiety and depression about losing my grandma. My parents made me see a therapist because my mental health was horrible. Her Last Words by Courtney Parker explains it better than I could.

https://youtu.be/TtHZs4GrarY

At 15, my seizures were worse than they had ever been while my mental health was down the toilet. I tried to end it several more times. I went to the emergency psych hospital many times, never being admitted. I had written many notes, only to, later on, throw them out. This song by Kyle Spratt, especially the beginning, was the most accurate thing ever at this point.

https://youtu.be/DvYQpplzmzY

At 16, the only thing of importance was my therapist putting a referral for a partial hospitalization program. Welcome to My Life by Simple Plan was playing on repeat at home for months at a time during this time. I felt so alone as I continued having seizures, side effects, and feeling like an outcast.

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At 17, only eight days before my graduation ceremony, my grandma took her final breath. It's a moment I will never forget. The whole family was in the room with her. Everyone cried at that time except my dad. He thought he had to be strong for everyone else. Gone Too Soon by Simple Plan is as true as it could be. My grandma was the sweetest woman I've ever known and was very young, passing away at only 64.

https://youtu.be/4N-POQr-DQQ

Since I graduated high school, I have been working on myself. I learned to put myself first. I listen to my body. If I'm tired, I don't push myself like I used to. I go to therapy and the specialists I need to. Now my playlist is becoming positive songs including songs from people like Demi Lovato, Rachel Platten, and Avril Lavigne.

https://youtu.be/EKF6ghfcQic

https://youtu.be/xo1VInw-SKc

https://youtu.be/r_8ydghbGSg

https://youtu.be/nmlQ7cIx8wE

I do add humor to my epilepsy now. How else would I cope with, on average, two seizures a month? (My cousin told me a joke about them and I was dying of laughter in the car... "What do you call a white girl with epilepsy?" "A vanilla milkshake.")

https://youtu.be/nfWlot6h_JM

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7xaYP1X35qTIEjB8Fotjda?si=27739fad1fe24425

I didn't create the epilepsy playlist but I contributed some ideas to it.