Death. Dying. It affects us all in some way or another and will someday come for us as well. I guess I am an odd sort in that I have an interest in reading about the dying process, what may happen after we die, and how it seems some people may know that they are going to die even though they may be perfectly healthy. Talking about death still seems to be taboo with some people and rightfully so, because who wants to talk about dying. It is an issue though that we will all succumb to someday and it's a natural process of life. We live, we die, and it is this way for every living thing.
I was diagnosed with Complete Placenta Previa early on in my 4th pregnancy. I had had a partial with my middle daughter but it thankfully moved. This time we weren't so lucky. It stayed exactly where it was the entire pregnancy thus resulting in needing to have a C-section at 36 weeks. I was scared out of my mind. My other children had been born naturally and without complication and I had no idea what to expect. My one and only fear the entire pregnancy is that my son would be born not breathing. I had nightmares about it, cried for hours over this fear, and it gripped me like a plague.
We got Jax, a lab mix, from a family who had too many dogs to be able to care for him properly. He would become our first pet we have had in a few years, since our last dog passed away. He instantly became a part of the family and I worked with him daily on commands. He knew the "come" command, but as a puppy, it was only when he wanted to know it. I had been researching training collars online, then the day came that I KNEW I had to get one. My daughters were crossing the road to get on the bus and he ran after them. I had to chase after him and was yelling like a mad lady, which probably was a hilarious sight to the people watching in their vehicles that were stopped for the bus. I came right in to the computer and ordered this training collar. I ordered it because of the good price, the three different modes, it was weather-resistant, and had a 1000 foot range. I was like a kid waiting for Christmas morning and then it finally came. It was easy to set up and I put it on him. I was instantly impressed. He learned very quickly what it meant when it beeped or vibrated.
We met in Florida. I was living there with my mother, working and just enjoying the Sunshine State. He had moved there from New York State for a job. We spent every moment together when we could go. Riding the motorcycle, sitting at the beach talking, or just walking around taking in the sights. We moved to his hometown which was a huge change for me. I got pregnant with our first daughter and we married right before she was born. We went through a lot of bad times together and some were very hard but we always stuck together. Fast forward a little over ten years. We had two more daughters, he had a very good job, and I was a stay-at-home mom who didn't have to worry about a thing. Our girls at the time were 7, 4, and 2. His job required him to travel and so during the week he wasn't home, which the girls and I were accustomed to.
"Just get over it." "It's all in your head." "You could stop it if you wanted to." These are just some of the many things people with anxiety or panic attacks hear so often from people who don't understand this condition. I have lived with this mental illness for many years now and before I had my first panic attack, I too said these things. I had no idea what anxiety or panic attacks were like so I just thought they were just being dramatic or it was all in their heads. The first experience that I had that began my journey with this condition came a day after a horrible near-drowning accident. I jumped off a 25 foot cliff and when I hit the water, I had my mouth and nose wide open, so water rushed right into my lungs. I surfaced and could not breathe. Luckily there was a friend there who grabbed me and helped.