When we are young, we all have different ideas about what it'll be like when we grow up and experience love for the first time. For some young people, they imagine it'll be like Disney movies; being swept off their feet like the princesses, being saved by a prince. We may talk to our friends and family about it, our parents may explain that feeling of 'puppy love,' how deep that feeling are like butterflies for the very first time. I remember my own imaginations as a young child. I have always been a bibliophile and because the world scared me, I would read books about the world to try and understand what the future could look like. From what I read, it seemed like being an adult and falling in love could be really beautiful. When I began to fall in love with the idea of love, I began to imagine who would tell me they loved me for the first time. I never expected it to be the person who did.
I’ve recently started making a lot of changes in my life, and one of the most difficult changes I wanted to make was to make amends with people who hurt me and also who I hurt deeply. I wanted the first few months of this year to be about growth within myself and learning to let go of anger. My old psychologist always said that anger was a secondary emotion and for me personally, that’s incredibly true. Underneath my anger has always been uncontrollable emotional pain. It’s felt like time to let it go and heal the parts of myself I can heal on my own.
When I was seventeen, I found out I was pregnant and my life changed instantly. Deep inside of me, I instantly thought I was going to have a daughter. I picked out a name, I imagined our lives growing up together. I understood the world that she would be coming into and was ready to guide her the best ways I knew how.
As someone who has chronic pain conditions and invisible illnesses, there is this feeling of knowing that your life as you know is constantly going to change. You get comfortable with knowing that this is your life now, then something happens and you have to adjust. It’s a constant change in my own life and I know it’s the same for a lot of other fellow spoonies that I know.
My journey through abuse has been long, exhausting and at most times it felt never ending. I’ve spent most of my life feeling like I’m drowning and I’m still learning how to navigate through my life as an adult, even though I sometimes still feel like a vulnerable 10-year-old girl.