A Mother’s Love

When I was seventeen, I found out I was pregnant and my life changed instantly. Deep inside of me, I instantly thought I was going to have a daughter. I picked out a name, I imagined our lives growing up together. I understood the world that she would be coming into and was ready to guide her the best ways I knew how.

That all came crashing down when I had my scan and found out I was actually carrying a son. I burst into tears while my Mum and my friend were so excited for me. Inside I was having a melt down. I didn’t feel like it was right at all, my body didn’t feel like my own in that moment.

Fast forward to eleven years later, he is the best thing that’s ever happened to me but it took a long time to figure out why I was terrified.

As a trauma survivor, I’ve been terrified of men my whole life. I had a huge fear of bringing another abusive man into the world who could potentially hurt other people like I was hurt. But I worked through the roller coaster of emotions with therapists and doctors on how to navigate the world of being a Mum to a young boy discovering who he wants to be in this world.

The big ‘but’ around motherhood is still that fear of whether I’m guiding him the right way. We talk very openly about sex education, about puberty and I’ve always been very straight forward about consent for not just his own body but especially anyone he encounters. I remind him to ask to hug someone before he does, if he wants to hold someone’s hand, getting into someone’s personal space is something he still has to work through.

There’s such a huge emphasis on teaching our daughters on how to protect themselves, but we need to be teaching our boys how to be more in touch with their emotions, try and remove toxic masculinity that still exists too much and explain how important consent is and why.

Our sons need to know that no means no in all situations, making sure they speak up when their mates are talking rudely about any other human being and to be compassionate and empathetic.

As a child, I always felt like I took up too much space as a girl, I wanted to be physically smaller so I could hide from the world and not be too loud. I never felt like I was allowed to exist unless given permission. I still feel this way as a woman approaching thirty years old but I have learnt in the last six months that I am allowed to take up as much space as I want to, I have a voice that can be heard.

Raising my son has taught me lessons, we have grown so much together especially in this past year. Being his mother has helped me work through trauma that I didn’t realise I had and it’s all thanks to him. I want to be the best Mum I can be despite the fact that I wasn’t for a very long time. I want to be the best example for him to look to in this world. I’m always going to have a small amount of doubt in the back of my mind about who I am as a mother and if I’ve done enough to help knock down the typical masculine walls that the world is going to try to push onto him.

I feel like I’m on the right track, only the future will show whether I’ve done my job as a Mum. I really hope I have. If you’re a mother of a son and have the same feelings, please know you aren’t the only one who feels like this. I’m right there with you, but as a community, let’s help mould better men for this world.

Let’s teach them that boys do cry, boys don’t have to be aggressive when they feel emotional, girls aren’t toys to play around with. They don’t have to hurt a girls feelings to show they like her, they can just talk to us and ask how they express those feelings and also know that she is allowed to say no. We are all allowed to take us space, we all deserve to exist in this world. If we can do this, imagine what the future will look like for their generation and the generations that follow. It all starts with us.