Learning to Let Go

I’ve recently started making a lot of changes in my life, and one of the most difficult changes I wanted to make was to make amends with people who hurt me and also who I hurt deeply. I wanted the first few months of this year to be about growth within myself and learning to let go of anger. My old psychologist always said that anger was a secondary emotion and for me personally, that’s incredibly true. Underneath my anger has always been uncontrollable emotional pain. It’s felt like time to let it go and heal the parts of myself I can heal on my own.

To begin all of this, it actually happened accidentally. I reached out to my ex boyfriend M* to ask him a quick question. It ended up turning into a really healing conversation and I handled it so much better than I ever have been able to. I didn’t want to hurt him for his past actions and I just wanted to make peace with our past together; the good and the bad.

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder at 19 years old, there are 9 criteria for BPD and to get diagnosed, you have to have at least 5 out of 9 of the criteria. I’m now nearly 29 and I still have 9 out of 9 of the criteria but I think with the small steps I’m taking with my mental and physical health that I may be able to slowly work through lowering the criteria I personally fit into. I have always struggled with abandonment. I always feel like people will leave me, especially since I can become emotionally attached to people incredibly quickly which is beautiful for all relationships in my life but it can be very damaging when it comes to romantic relationships.

In the past, I clung to people when I felt like they were losing love for me. I either cling way too hard to try and keep those people in my life or I flip to the other side and I push people away as hard as I can to try and alleviate some of the pain of losing someone I love. It’s a constant battle that I’ve experienced my whole life, but I can now identify when I’m doing these behaviours to try and fight those urges.

Unfortunately because of this, I have really hurt some people in the past. I pushed my ex fiancée, L* away as hard as I could but clung to her at the same time out of sheer desperation. Our relationship was beautiful for a very long time, but I got into a terrible habit of hurting her when she was treating me kindly and just trying to show she loved me. That relationship taught me a lot about all the things I seriously hated about myself and so I’ve been on a very big soul search ever since we separated in 2018. The end was very abrupt and completely my fault; so it made 2019 one of the scariest years of my life. The positive of all of this was her ending our relationship actually changed my life. I can’t thank her enough for all of the good she brought into my life and also for showing me how much I needed to change.

Going back to what I was saying earlier about reconciling with people, since my conversation with M* went so much better than I could have thought, I decided to also reach out to my most recent ex, D*. We had a very complicated break up and I really regret a lot of what happened at the ending of our relationship. D* and I weren’t just girlfriends, we were also best friends and so that made it difficult in ending our relationship.

I wasn’t sure if she would even answer my message, but it felt right to at least try, so I did. I can’t speak for her, but for me, it feels like being back in each other’s lives could make a huge difference. We were always able to talk about anything and supported each other so well. We had so many brilliant times together which I could talk about forever. If I hadn’t met her, I also would never have met my partner T*, who has absolutely changed my life and loves me unconditionally.

It’s hard to admit when we don’t treat people as well as we thought we were, but we can learn from our mistakes to make ourselves not just better partners, but most importantly we can become better humans from our past experiences and behaviour. That’s what I’m working towards, I want to be the best version of Jes I can possibly be. For the first time in my life, I would actually be friends with myself. I’ve never been able to say that before and it makes me so happy. I love my own company, I think I’m pretty hilarious and I know that I’m working really hard to be the best friend, mother and partner that I can be.

I’m far from perfect, but having these discussions with people you weren’t connected with anymore can change your perspective and make you really think about what you want from yourself. I now try to think about how I would want from a friend or a partner and I try my best to do those things. I’ve had a long way to go but my baby steps are definitely working so far. I want to bring as much happiness and joy that I can to everyone I am surrounded by.

I was always known as a bitch and not someone that people were drawn to, but wanted to run away from. I hope that I’m slowly becoming someone that is approachable, genuine, caring and kind. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes but it’s possible to change how the world perceives us. Being vulnerable to the world is incredibly terrifying, but it’s also the most freeing experience. What brings me joy these days? Bringing others joy and comfort. I’m ready for this new chapter. I don’t have fear of the unknown anymore, I’m excited to be my own best friend and finally bring sparks of joy to anyone I can. No more anger and resentment, it’s time for more love. I’m now going to follow the advice I’ve always tried to follow by Bright Eyes; as the quote on my foot says, “No Lies, Just Love.”