Black Book Hypnosis
February 24, 2017
I've never journaled before but considering how lousy things have been going I decided to try something new. Hoping to get some of these endless dark thoughts down in this little black book so I won't have to pick at the endless scabs crusting on my brain. Life is rough. I can't seem to do anything right. I yelled at my kids last night. Really yelled at them. The rage built up in me with volcanic pressure. It’s my son. He hasn’t been doing his homework assignments. Don’t get me wrong, I used to lie about my assignments too, but his response to being called out about his poor grades is to throw these terrible tantrums. Crying, screaming, slamming doors. And the words he says to his sisters and mother. It’s like he falls into these deep pits of thought, the way I do, and he’s trying to pull anyone and everyone with him. I couldn’t stand for it, so I yelled back. He stormed off and locked his door. This just pulled me in further and finally I erupted, punching through his door. He fell on the ground, cowering in the corner as I berated him for his bad behavior and his constant blaming of everyone but himself. Of course his mom stepped in, not to de-escalate the situation but to berate me too. It’s like, even though I’m trying to help, and my calm words fall on deaf ears, the only attention and respect I get in my own house comes at the cost of becoming a terrible monster. What am I supposed to do when the head and the body are so disconnected? The whole event was a horrible thing, I know. I shouldn’t have broken the door. Think I broke my hand too. My knuckles are bleeding and swollen. Today I’m going to go to the store and buy a new door. Something has to change. Life can’t keep going this way.