Black Book Hypnosis

February 24, 2017

I've never journaled before but considering how lousy things have been going I decided to try something new. Hoping to get some of these endless dark thoughts down in this little black book so I won't have to pick at the endless scabs crusting on my brain. Life is rough. I can't seem to do anything right. I yelled at my kids last night. Really yelled at them. The rage built up in me with volcanic pressure. It’s my son. He hasn’t been doing his homework assignments. Don’t get me wrong, I used to lie about my assignments too, but his response to being called out about his poor grades is to throw these terrible tantrums. Crying, screaming, slamming doors. And the words he says to his sisters and mother. It’s like he falls into these deep pits of thought, the way I do, and he’s trying to pull anyone and everyone with him. I couldn’t stand for it, so I yelled back. He stormed off and locked his door. This just pulled me in further and finally I erupted, punching through his door. He fell on the ground, cowering in the corner as I berated him for his bad behavior and his constant blaming of everyone but himself. Of course his mom stepped in, not to de-escalate the situation but to berate me too. It’s like, even though I’m trying to help, and my calm words fall on deaf ears, the only attention and respect I get in my own house comes at the cost of becoming a terrible monster. What am I supposed to do when the head and the body are so disconnected? The whole event was a horrible thing, I know. I shouldn’t have broken the door. Think I broke my hand too. My knuckles are bleeding and swollen. Today I’m going to go to the store and buy a new door. Something has to change. Life can’t keep going this way.

February 27, 2017

It’s been a few days since the door. It took a while, but I was able to find one that fits. It still needs to be sanded and painted though. My wife hasn’t talked to me since the incident. Things have been going down a bad path for sometime. She says she doesn’t love me. There is no tissue connecting us. No harmony. No genuine sense of care. It’s because I don’t make enough money. She didn’t say those words exactly, but she’s constantly complaining about finances and using it as a crutch to start arguments. This time it was about the cost of a door we shouldn’t have had to replace. Maybe it’s me. It has to be. Maybe I’m some unlovable beast that comes out tooth and claw and the world around me is just responding to the demon inside. How do I cage this demon? There has to be a way out of this.

April 18, 2017

Two months passed since the last time I wrote here. Nothing has changed. Just feeling hopeless. Wouldn’t mind taking a long walk off a short roof. I’ve been reading about depression and how far it pulls the mind in. I wish I could snap out of it. So last week I started seeing a therapist. It’s as though my entire brain is unable to see reality for what it is. I’m stuck in an invisible box. Dr. Morton suggested hypnosis. To be honest, it’s a scary thought. When I was a kid my dad was hypnotized to stop smoking. He was grumpy at first but after a few weeks even the smell of a freshly lit cigarette made him sick. It was kind of creepy. The way some stranger can just reach in and rewrite your personality. I’m not worried about the parlor tricks. No one would care if I clucked like a chicken or went to work naked. Heck, even I would think it’s funny. What scares me the most is opening up to suggestions in such a powerful way. That someone can rewrite your brain to think differently. What if he makes me murder someone? I'd have no control, right? And all the evidence would come back to me being the culprit. My life is bad but I can't imagine federal prison would be a step up. I need to decide. Feeling hopeless again. I need to change.

April 25, 2017

Today is the day. Dr. Morton finally convinced me to do this whole hypnotism thing. You have to change to change, right? New day. New me. Tonight I'm going to be hypnotized. The good old doc is going to open my head up and tinker with my thoughts and set me on a more steady path. I need this. I need to be more in control of my emotions. I need something that will stick to me. Something that will make me whole.

May 9, 2017

It’s been a few weeks now and I feel like a new man. The first session was more of an introduction to hypnosis. Calm music in a dimly lit room. Deep breathing exercises and low speech. If nothing else, it was relaxing. Nothing glamorous. No trippy warps into new dimensions. I didn’t notice a difference as I left. However, everything seemed to flow pretty well after that day. There hadn’t been any incidents that would have sparked my savage rage. The second session was a lot more of the same but the doc opened it up to more suggestions. He asked what other needs I have. Well, if my emotions can be tamed, maybe I could find a way to get ahead in life. Something that mends the wounds of a damaged relationship. I need to be successful.

July 11, 2017

Haven’t had much of a need to keep writing in this thing since the last time. Hypnosis has been going great. Dr. Morton really knows his stuff. I’ve been calm and focused, it took awhile for my son to start showing me the respect I deserve, and more so, he’s complying with his tasks. Homework is done every night and it’s been ages since the door thing. Better yet, I’ve been doing my own tasks too and it hasn’t gone unnoticed. Yesterday my boss called me into his office. In the past those were the worst days, but by the end of the meeting I got a promotion! Seven years with this company and finally I’ve been recognized for good work. And the $20,000 raise wasn’t anything to stick my nose up at. I used to think I was doing good work before but now I’m on a whole new level. Not playing on my phone or flapping my gums at every chance I get. I’m in the zone. Things are finally going well. It’s like this hypnotism thing is my magic lamp. I have to find more things to improve. Maybe I’ll try weight loss next.

February 14, 2018

Boom! Down 75lbs in 7 months. Every day I get up at 4:00am and hit the gym before going to the office by 7. The transformation is unbelievable. You can actually see my abs now. This last year has been incredible. Not only in my body, but in my home. With the new funds coming in from my promotion, I’ve started building a second story on the house. It’s nice to buy a door that closes off a new room, and doesn’t just replace the hinges of an old broken one. Everyone seems so much happier now that my life is in order. My wife still has been removed. Not sure if she’s jealous or intimidated. I’m trying to convince her to go see Dr. Morton too. If he can change me, why can’t he change her?

May 16, 2018

Today I moved out. Couldn’t save my marriage but it’s fine. I’m fine. She says she was feeling neglected when really it was because she was seeing someone on the side. She wanted a change but took the easy way. In fact she thinks I took the easy way. That the hypnosis was some sort of life hack. Well, duh! It was an answered prayer. I was able to completely rearrange my priorities and emotions to focus on my goals. There are only so many hours in the day between working out and maintaining a successful career she had to know that something would be given up. Oh well. At least I haven’t broken any more doors. It just sucks that I sunk all that money into a house I won’t be living in.

July 2, 2018

I lost my job today. Apparently, in my bid to be successful and get ahead I may have taken a few shortcuts. The sales reports were looking great, but the cost reports weren’t exactly showing the total figures. We lost a quarter million last year because of bad management on my part. I’ll find a way out of this. Just a small set back. No job. No home. Still have my abs and this positive attitude. Maybe Dr. Morton can suggest a way to fix this. Hopefully my insurance still covers my visits before the month is out.

July 5, 2018

I’m in my final session with Dr. Morton. He read through this little back journal and wanted me to write something ‘in my own voice’ before putting me under for my last time. Maybe I’ve been looking at this all wrong. I want too much and can’t have it all. My best option is to give it all up. No more aspirations. No more pain. No hunger for life. I just want to be content.

July 12, 2018

I am content.

August 16, 2018

I am content.

December 19, 2018

I am content.

March 6, 2019

Content.