It's raining outside. Rain has a way of bringing sensual thoughts to my mind. Memories of past rainy days and special trysts appear in my mind. Some make me smile and some make me laugh to myself. The smiles are for the really good moments, remembered. The inner laughter is directed at myself almost always because I surprise myself with my ability to bury so much and so many. It's true that it's better to laugh than cry. There is always an element of sadness, but I embrace all of it as paths along my road that simply had to be investigated further. In those past days every encounter was, to me, safe, centered around fun and carefree. When I look back at it now, it seems to me that I was more like a girl of eighteen than forty. Doing things for the experience or adventure of it. Learning about the mysteries of sex and men and what it all meant.
It was my very first time having actual sex in a club, swingers setting. I was in my mid-forties and just discovering my sexuality through my second marriage. Up until this time, I had been just like many women you know, playing it by the traditional rules set for us as wives and mothers. The initial appeal of my second husband was the authoritative age difference he brought and his support in broadening my sexual horizons. This is the story of my first swinger's experience when I actually did something brave and entirely new.
I had been seeing my favorite client, who I refer to now as 'The Impossible One' for about two years at this point. Things had already gotten over the line as far as the business vs. personal relationship. He was definitely my favorite. I was nuts about him and vice versa. So the lines were already blurred. There was a lot of internal things going on, emotional as well as physical. One of the rules of my business was to not get involved or fall in love with a client. That rule had been broken.
After being contacted this morning by a fellow Twitter warrior; I felt it necessary to write this piece. He like myself has a "cause", his being that person who brings awareness to Herpes and the fact that it is so widespread and somewhat common these days, but no one wants to talk about it. Of course, he was feeling discouraged and perhaps knew intuitively that I might be someone he could share his angst with. He was right.
Nearly all of my clients would talk to me about their personal or private “normal” lives to one degree or another. I have heard many complaints of what I have come to call “reluctant” sex. This is a position most wives have found themselves in. This double-edged sword of spoken and unspoken rules of our culture dictate that a wife and mother cannot also be a vixen. The two things just don’t mix. I experienced this in my first marriage, which lasted for eighteen years. When raising children and being consumed with domestic responsibilities, we women put sex pretty much on the bottom of the list. My first husband and I had very regular sex. With that being said, as I learned more about my sexuality through my second marriage, I was able to look back at the first marriage with more objectivity and understanding.