On This Day I Swear It, In 2024 I Shall Publish The Great American Pirate Themed Novel

I know that many will mock me when they read my vow today that someday I will be spoken of in the same breathe with the great American authors of pirate literature. Of all the literary sub genres the pirate novel is arguably one of the most prestigious and acclaimed. Completion and publication of a pirate focused or even pirate themed novel has been said by many to represent the greatest of literary challenges for any writer, let alone a prickly newcomer like myself. To them I say you don’t know me. You have no idea the skills I possess, the depth of knowledge of pirate culture I have obtained, the encyclopedic bank of pirate phrases, the raw talent, and frankly the ambition I bring to bear. So hear me now, and believe me later, today I vow it, tomorrow or someday later, but definitely in this year of 2024 I plan to write and publish the greatest pirate themed novel of all time. You read that correctly, the greatest (dramatic pause), pirate themed (dramatic pause), novel (dramatic pause), of all time. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

I trained myself to become a master pirate ship builder, went to veterinary school to study parrots, and even acted as scrub nurse for both hand to hook and shin to post replacement surgeries. I have done all things pirate, seen all things pirate, even been all things pirate. And yet still they mock me. “How could you have done pirate things?” they ask sneeringly. “There haven’t been pirates in hundreds of years.” Their stupidity annoys me but I do not have time to school these ignorami on the history of pirates and pirating in the America’s. I already did that during the two years I spent as a visiting adjunct professor in Cambridge teaching a graduate level course on the topic. I had recently traveled to England after spending three years as a deckmate on the SS Aziz, a Somali pirate raiding ship attacking and often commandeering large container vessels off the coast east Africa. The Aziz boasted a crew of only six tough as nails Somalis and was held together with not much more than three rolls of duct tape, a whole lot of wishful thinking, and way too much Moroccan meth. While small in number, and stature, and brainpower, I’d put that crew of mateys up against a team of highly trained American Seals any day. One day I did and while sadly all six were killed within seconds by sniper rounds to the head from 1000 yards, they all showed the hearts of true pirates that day. So to answer your question I have been a Pirate thank you very much.

Is that not enough Pirate for you? Well I’m just getting started so sit your ass down and listen. You may have heard of the term, butt pirate, perhaps even used it disparagingly? Often used mockingly or in a crude manner it can refer to any number of homosexual persons or acts. This is neither the time nor place to describe them all in detail but rest assured I have seen them all, done them all, been them all. It took close to three years of toil, sweat, tears, and blood, mostly the last three, to accomplish that task.

I could go on and on and on but I feel I must close by repeating again the vow I so boldly proclaimed in the title of this piece and emphasize once more that while membership in the elite club of American authors of pirate themed literature is small their influence has been mighty indeed. They include some of American literature’s greatest, in any genre. For example, there’s Robert Louis Stevenson and then there’s…..

Hmmm.

Well there’s….

You know, that one dude

He wrote that thing about pirates. A giant of literature he is for sure.

I will someday surpass that one dude who wrote that one thing about Pirates that one time, this I swear!

But first I need to bone up on my pirate phrases.