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Stop! Hey! What's That Sound?

This is not the story you expect from the title

By Judey Kalchik Published about a month ago β€’ Updated about a month ago β€’ 3 min read

Working yesterday I brushed against something that is rarely in use on my desk: a calculator. (This is because I had too many tabs open on my laptop to use the system calculator, too many Excel sheets open to use a formula, and my phone was playing I went old school)

I knocked the thing off my desk and under the side with drawers (seldom used for paper these days, usually full of overstock teas, coffee, and keto-approved snacks), just out of easy reach.

Slumping up and over the desk chair handle, I blindly groped around for the slippery thing. Then I heard it.

A sharp cracking sound.

I froze, as if freezing in place would nullify whatever fresh heck this 63-year-old body was unleashing on me now.

I remembered that crack from 15 years ago. Then, it was a torn meniscus from dancing at Youngest Daughter's wedding, boogeying back up from shaking it down during Brick House.

I remembered it from 50 years ago, when I landed on my forearm after a poorly-aimed jump from a forbidden rope swing. Then the crack was a fracture of my forearm.

I remembered the crack my knee made hitting the edge of the stairs a few years ago when I tripped going UP the steps on my way back from lunch.

I remember it all too well from the sharp pops and bubbles that punctuate my every day now as I roll over in bed, put on a turn signal, or bend over to tie my shoe.

This was different. I felt... I felt nothing. No lingering pain. Nothing out of whack. No sharp burning, no pinching, no unwelcome pain pulses.

Did I... did I imagine it? Are my ears going now, too?

On that note my questing fingers caught hold of the calculator and I straightened up and settled back to work. as I lifted my hands to the keyboard; I felt the pinch. I felt it in an exceptionally tender spot: my underboob.

Yes, that's right; my underwire (which was really under-plastic, I suppose), had snapped as I crunched into the chair's arm. For a moment, I kinda wished it had been something like my meniscus. I'd dealt with that and come back once before.

There is no coming back from a snapped underwire/under-plastic mishap. A quick self-exam revealed that it was no fracture; the thing had snapped in two. Perkiness was now decidedly one-sided.

And: it was my fault.

You see; I had stopped the day before at a Vanity Fair outlet and... and... I'd tried on new bras. I'd tried on new bras and made my now dejected bra watch as I considered replacing it. Now it was making me pay.

I didn't BUY a new bra, though! I'd only considered stepping out on ol'Reliable! I mean; my husband doesn't get all upset when I say something perfectly understandable like "Only Liam Hemsworth could possible replace Henry Cavill as the Witcher..." My husband understands that I am only window shopping; he knows I'm going home with him.

Evidently it didn't matter that I went home with the bra I'd worn in to that outlet. It was simply one portent too many for it that things were going to change.

Like the time I didn't air dry it and instead put it through the dryer. I know that was wrong. I had apologized to the overheated cups and too pliable straps, hadn't I? But it was too little, too late.

Now I sit here, writing this wearing my second-favorite bra. The one that rides a bit too high, with the tag that I always forget I mean to cut off until it scratches midday.

I wish I'd bought the front-close Bali on Sunday.


Strangely; I've written about bras before:

Your comments are always eagerly awaited!


About the Creator

Judey Kalchik

It's my time to find and use my voice.

Poetry, short stories, memories, and a lot of things I think and wish I'd known a long time ago.

You can also find me on Medium

And please follow me on Threads, too!

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Comments (9)

  • Dr. Jason Benskin17 days ago

    Great story! Keep it up.

  • Well I am glad it all worked out and was nothing too serious, thank you for sharing

  • Heather Zieffle about a month ago

    Oh my gosh I love this one, Judey! Awesome story. I hate bras so much! I mean, I love what they do for the gals but I've never found a truly comfortable one!

  • Lamar Wigginsabout a month ago

    β€œPerkiness was now decidedly one-sided.” That line took me out! So sorry to hear about your mishap. Thank you for allowing us to laugh with you. Stoopid slippery calculator. It set you up!

  • ROCK about a month ago

    OMG! This was more than relatable humor; it was a hilarious mirror of my next course, " Living and Loving in My Sixties". Disturbingly accurate. Fabulous! 🀩

  • Dana Crandellabout a month ago

    Revenge of the [insert appropriate letter]-cup! Fun story.

  • Gerard DiLeoabout a month ago

    Anatomy always wins!

  • Cathy holmesabout a month ago

    Okay, instant earworm first of all. Then, I have no idea what I was imagining when you said there was no pain, but that wasn't it. It would never happen to me anyway. I try to avoid underwire at all cost, and if I have to get one, I poke a hole and pull it out. Swear to God. Screw the standing at attention, my soldiers are on sabbatical.

  • Paul Stewartabout a month ago

    LOL...I mean...this was...hilarious...and ouch! I laughed at you suggesting your bra was getting revenge. As ever, Ms Kalchik...compelling, relatable (Even as a non boob owner) and just great writing! :)

Judey Kalchik Written by Judey Kalchik

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