Just a Girl

Being a girl is hard, and trying to be a girl and look good is such a Herculean effort. Hercules is in hell right now trying to push a rock uphill and I’m like “pfft I’ll push that rock instead of trying to put on liquid eyeliner” now that’s impossible. Trying to put on winged eyeliner evenly should be an Olympic sport.

I remember getting ready for a winter formal dance and that was the first time in my life that I had ever got my makeup and hair done and gotten dressed all fancy. My mom took me to Sephora to get my makeup done, she took me home and did my hair. I wore a black dress and zebra striped heels. This was 2009 okay? Zebra was very in. I had such a great time that first two hours. Then my makeup was running and I was trying to fix it and my feet were killing me. They let us take our shoes off and me and a couple of my friends were leaving and my feet were so numb, my friend looked down and said “honey your shoes are on the wrong feet” and I said “fuck it I’m almost to the car” That was my first experience trying to be pretty woman and it was exhausting.

Now when I want to dress up and put makeup on, I ask myself “is this worth it?” I went on a date with a guy once and it took me four hours to get ready. He took 10 minutes. I got so mad I was like “no go back inside and wait for a half hour.” And he’s like why and his mom peeked out of an upstairs window and said “don’t you question her, she took at least three hours to get ready.” We women go through so much hell to look good, and men think it’s all for them. Bitch please. I once stayed home on a Friday night and I put on heels and my tight jeans and a silk tank top with my leather jacket. I did my makeup and I straightened my hair. My mom came home and she’s like “you going out?” And I said no and she’s like “oooh did someone cancel on you?” And I was like hah no. And she’s like “then why the fuck are you dressed up?” And I said “because I was watching Downton Abbey and I felt like they were judging me in my sweatpants” then I opened up a bag of Cheetos and she’s like “mhmm now you’re classy”

I’m always falling, I am the clumsiest person on the damn planet. One time, I was wearing ballet flats and I tripped on asphalt, I don’t even know how it happened. I was in middle school and I was flirting with this one guy and I walked away and I thought I looked good but then this little sixth grader cut in front of me with his fucking rolling backpack and I fell face first into concrete and people walked around me. I was so mortified I stayed there for a second letting the situation sink in.

I love wearing heels but I am so afraid to walk in them. I was on an overnight trip with a guy and I went all out when we went to a fancy dinner. I had on a dark red dress and black sheer tights and I was wearing a corset underneath it all, yeah. He was gonna get it. Then I put the shoes on, 3 inch black Mary Janes. And after dinner he was like “baby let’s take a walk” and i was like “you mean to the room?” And he said “no let’s go to the beach and take a walk” I had to use sex as an excuse to take those shoes off.