How NOT To Give Me a Performance Review

Ten years ago, during a yearly review, I was coached regarding my professional appearance. Advised to ‘wear more makeup’, be fashionable, be on brand.

On the way home I called my daughter, asking for her opinion; in our relationship my daughters and I don’t ask for opinions unless we want to hear the truth.

I was in tears, already afraid that age (54 , then) would eliminate my chances of corporate success, no matter how capable I was.

I’d prepared for a discussion about my results and contributions, not about my looks.

And as someone that struggled through an eating disorder, childhood trauma, and food addiction: I just kept thinking ‘Of course. I’m not attractive; of course I am failing.’

So I got up extra early each day to do my hair and makeup. Changed my jewelry to a classic but always present staple, went on (yet another) diet, exercised through the day, and wore a wardrobe of ‘black, black, and color accent.’

I built the Judey -brand to fit that coaching. I remade myself as instructed and learned to swallow down the ‘I’m not enough’ fear everyday.

I thought about that discussion as I got ready for work today (63 and holding, and in a different career); it’s a busy day today.

I have meetings, a Zoom presentation to give to professional comic shop organization about preparing for disaster, and book and comic people who are in the middle of personal and financial catastrophes to help. There’s a big trade show in New Orleans, Louisiana next week, and I’ll be there.

I’m doing these things. Sometimes I'm doing them is jeans and a tshirt, with my hair in a banana clip, sometimes (like today) I have a dress and semi-combed hair. Sometimes it's at a convention and I'm wearing a superhero-themed dress that I sewed myself.

It varies by the day, by how much sleep I've had, by the weather, by all of the many things that influence a life.

What doesn't vary is the professionalism I bring to the table. The compassion and diligence I employ every day. The belief that I'm making a difference.

True: the world has changed in the past 10 years. More and more jobs are done remotely, more offices are closing as businesses adapt to the changing needs of the business and the flexibility and technology that comes with those changes.

Still- there are leaders getting ready to have those types of conversations today, this week, this month, this year. I strongly suggest that they make that conversation about things that are more than skin deep.

As long as any dress code is maintained and hygiene isn't a question, then LET IT GO. Keep your focus on what the employee brings to the table and not how they look.

Me? I still get nervous; I still have doubts about what I bring to the table. I still am critical of the way I look, how I fit my clothes. I am very very very aware of my good fortune to not only have a job, but also that it is one to which I am deeply committed and enjoy. I do not take this for granted.

I also enjoyed the work I did back then. The supervisor that gave me that feedback? I am sure he thought he was giving me good advice, and that making me into a brand-ideal was good for... well, was likely good for him and his team if not good for me. Window dressing, if you will. The ability to make someone change.

But mostly? Mostly today I’m OK with me, with me at 63.

I am enough. Just the way I am.

~

This article came out of a Facebook post I made today. I truly got ready for work this morning, and as I was searching for earrings I thought of the devastation I felt after that performance review.

For just a moment that shame, fear, and (yes) anger surged up and I knew it was time to let that go. As a writer, this is how I work through that.

This is where I work now: I'm a Program Manager for Binc: a nonprofit that assists the employees and owners of bookstores and comic shops when they have an unexpected personal catastrophe that leads to financial need. I'm very happy to be here.

Thank you for reading. Comments are always welcomed.