A Hopeless Romantic's Guide to Decentering Men. ✨

De-centering men was my greatest act of self love. ~ unknown author.

Women are taught, either inherently or intentionally, to center men from the day we are born. Even the birthing process itself can be considered male-centric, if you get the wrong doctor or practice. My mother tells the story of a traumatic birth when she had me: of a brusk, impatient male doctor, of requests falling on deaf ears, of an emotionally absent male partner.

It’s subtle at first in childhood. Seemingly innocuous, even. Don’t bother dad, he just got home from work, he needs to decompress. Play quietly, dad is home. Dad wants to… so we do. Dad doesn’t want to…so we don’t. Some may argue that attitude is simply teaching children to respect, and there is a place for that, of course. But where is that attitude when it comes to mom? Mom, who has been in a state of sensory overstimulation for days? Weeks? Years? Mom, who can ask for time to decompress, but it may or may not be granted, depending on dad’s answer.

This practice does not go unnoticed by little girls, and little boys. Some homes are different, especially now, but that does not erase the generations who are forced to recognize and adapt in order to change these harmful and disrespectful practices.

The first time I fell in love was in a movie theater in 1999. I was a kid, and Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weiss were falling in love on screen while I was simultaneously falling in love with both of them. I learned a lot about myself that day, some of which I'll go into at a later time, but among other things I fell in love with the idea of falling in love. Of a man falling in love with me, choosing me.

I fell deeper in the lure of romance as I grew up. I had a mom who loved a rom com more than almost anything, so I watched them all on repeat; buying copies of my favorites on DVD. I read every book I could get my hands on with a romance plotline (enter the twilight obsession) and daydreamed about any boy at school that was bold enough to smile at me. I was basically Tina Belcher all of middle and high school. I loved the romance, I loved the attention, and I was burying those feelings that Rachel Weiss and several subsequent women since had woken up in me.

While I still love a good romance story, I thought I had moved passed the boy obsession after I acknowledged and began to celebrate my sexuality, but I recently came to terms with the fact that I have absolutely centered men the majority of my life; despite the fact that I have always vehemently considered myself to be a feminist. It caught me off guard, so much so that I spoke with a friend about it. “How could I have missed this this whole time? I mean, I've dated just as many women, if not more women than men over my lifetime, how can I possibly still be centering them?”

She laughed, and I'll never forget what she said. “You missed it because it’s a habit that’s been with you since before you could self reflect.” And she was absolutely right. Even now, it’s something I am unlearning. I happen to have fallen in love and married a man, and fortunately, he is one who fully supports not only this practice of decentering, but everything I do and am journeying to becoming.

Since I became more conscious of the idea of centering men, I’ve been actively working on taking steps to decenter them.

Three Practices to Decenter Men

Stop Prioritizing Men’s Comfort Over Your Boundaries. This is one that I was not really even conscious that I was doing. We have been taught to be nice no matter what. But when we are nice when we don’t want to be, especially when a man is behaving badly, we are teaching ourselves and them that these behaviors are acceptable. Prioritizing our own boundaries over men’s comfort can look like speaking up when disrespected, not over explaining yourself when challenged, and putting your own needs first. If you’re anything like me and are also deconstructing from religious trauma, prioritizing your boundaries will feel almost bad at first, because of the inherent shame and guilt. Push through, you deserve to.

Stop Letting Men Define Your Worth. This was one I was confident I did not do. And then I learned that I may not be letting the men I dated define my worth, but I absolutely was letting my father and other male authority figures do so. You have to let go of associating a man’s interest ~ or lack of interest ~ with your own worth and value. What they see is often a perception of you that they are projecting onto you themselves. You deserve to place yourself on a pedestal, and let men rise to you, don’t stoop down to them. This can look like reflecting on what men in your life support you, help you to grow in a positive manner, and celebrate your successes.

Take Steps To Unlearn and Be Conscious of Patriarchal Norms. If you’re reading this you’ve already taken the first step by showing interest in de-centering men at all. This can look like removing societal expectations from both your day to day and long term decisions. Who would you be if you stripped away all societal expectations? What would you do with your spare time if you followed your heart and your passions alone? This is no small task, but you deserve to live your life on your own terms.

The task of de-centering men can seem intimidating, and herculean, almost. But really that goal is that you, as a woman, are able to base all of your decisions on what you want, and not on what men think, want, dictate and enforce though societal structure, institutions and our patriarchal society.

You deserve to be the center of your own life. And more than anything, you deserve to enjoy it.

XO, Alys.