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Golf Digest Disses Jacksonville Jaguars Head Coach Urban Meyer’s Inflatable Flamingos . . .

by Jessica Bugg 11 months ago in football
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This Is An Actual Article, I Can't Make This Shit Up

Golf Digest Disses Jacksonville Jaguars Head Coach Urban Meyer’s Inflatable Flamingos . . .
Photo by Sharisse Bullock on Unsplash

I pause your regularly scheduled programming. In order to examine and review a pressing topic in these challenging economic and social times.

Why The Fuck Is Golf Digest Writing About Football?

There I was, minding my own business, after a long night of degenerate activities which meant:

  • poker room
  • drinking
  • eating steak off the grill at 3am
  • go to the garage to smoke a cigarette
  • scroll through phone because no one is still awake
  • Only to have an article pop up in my newsfeed (that little left swipey thing on the androids) and normally it alerts me to important goings on I like to stay abreast of, things like

    • foreign policy
    • trade deals
    • crypto
    • Nene Leakes losing her husband (RIP Greg and WE LOVE YOU NENE!!!)

    But last night something was different people. I was scrolling and came across an article by none other than Golf Digest.

    Somehow I think my algorithm on this phone is fucked up because I don’t golf. Now I know HOW to golf. I have had sex with men who play golf. And I have been known to go to a golf course and drive a golf cart.

    But I don’t follow Golf Digest. In fact, after surveying the men I sleep with who play golf, none of them do either. I digress.

    So here was the headline people, keep in mind, of Golf Digest.

    We’re Extremely Disturbed By These Photos Of Urban Meyer’s Home

    I am linking the article below for your reference and perusal of this childish playground of clickbait bullshit.

    Now I am known to entertain bullshit and I am not gonna hate on a writer trying to make a living.

    But I have so many questions. Especially when seeing a title like that, it is Duuuvalll after all, it could be anything.

    Hell people, this is Florida. Home of Florida Man. Someone threw an alligator threw a drive thru window. I am expecting to click on this title and see some heinous shit.

    Possibilities For What Could Have Been In Urban Meyer’s House

    • Meth labs
    • strippers
    • maybe a grow house where Urban Meyer is cultivating the next greatest hydroponic strain
    • cartel trading post
    • Four Polynesian hookers hosting an Eyes Wide Shut party
    • Tupac Shakur AND Biggie Smalls

    But no people it wasn’t any of those things. Nothing at all. Nothing like it.

    Family Photos and Pink Flamingos

    So, I click on the article. Urban Meyer has been absolutely SLAUGHTERED by the media. His team isn’t winning. The whole Tebow thing. Getting rid of the beloved Minshew. Being accused of not running the team like an NFL team. The list goes on.

    I do want to take pause to point out the fact, that bro, Shad Khan (owner of the Jaguars) you hired a human, not a Messiah. It’s going to take a lot more than one head coach to fix what’s going on around here.

    But with all of the headlines on Meyer, I thought surely this one is going to be fucking insane.

    So anyway, I click on the article, and there was no meth lab, no hookers. no grow house, no Tupac, No Biggie, nothing.

    It is an entire article criticizing Urban Meyer’s entire home. Like where he lives. With his family.

    A List Of The Appalling Transgressions In Urban Meyer’s Home

    These are according to the Golf Digest writer

    • Too many family photos on a coffee table
    • The flower in the vase was ugly
    • The couches have too many patterns
    • Large inflatable flamingos floating in pool

    The writer then goes on to accuse Urban Meyer of mental illness and question his ability to be around young people due to the fact that the living room looks like detectives might sit in it.

    I can’t make this shit up. This is a real article. In Golf Digest. Don’t believe me?

    Here’s the link:

    Now that you have read that clickbait chicanery. Let’s move forward in our discussion.

    Duuuvalll Chiming In Here

    Now I am going to preface this with the fact that I fucking live in Jacksonville. I actually live one neighborhood over from Urban Meyer, Head Coach of the Jacksonville Jaguars, where this original article/photo debacle is going on.

    I will also preface this piece by disclosing the fact that I have several former Jacksonville Jaguars players as friends as well as a couple of current players that I consider to be good acquaintances.

    I will also tell you that bringing on Tim Tebow was fucking disaster mistake nightmare. I’m just glad he finally got married so I don’t have to hear the virgin marketing anymore.

    Side bar: I once rented a house from a batshitcrazy lady named Mary when I first moved to Jacksonville.

    She believed in Jesus and Tim Tebow who’s family attended her church. Mary would try to evangelize me and the rest of the house from our sinful ways and preach that Jesus loves us.

    Only to then tell us that she threw her daughter out of that very house because she came out as a lesbian and that Jesus didn’t like the gays.

    It was downhill from there and we didn’t renew the lease, for more than one reason.

    Now, I will also tell you that I am pissed that Gardner Minshew (the greatest thing to ever happen to Jax and to women like me everywhere) got traded and that I think the Jaguars are not that great and have a systemic cultural problem.

    Which in this armchair quarterback’s opinion boils down to the fact that the Jacksonville Jaguars franchise needs to do a better job of recruiting quality linemen on both sides of the ball and needs to pay them . . . HANDSOMELY for doing so.

    So, we all understand some key factors before I begin.

    • I live in Jacksonville, Florida
    • I live one neighborhood over from Urban Meyer
    • I have friends who are former/current Jacksonville Jaguars players.
    • I am pissed Gardner Minshew got traded.
    • I am pissed that Gardner Minshew got traded before I got a chance to try to sleep with him.
    • Tim Tebow was a mistake.
    • My former landlord was an evangelical asshole.
    • The Jacksonville Jaguars aren’t very good.

    So, now we all know where we stand in this debate. I am neither partial nor impartial to the Jaguars. I prefer if they win. I prefer if they go beg Gardner Minshew to return. Hell, I’ll take up a collection. But if not, I’m not going to defend every last thing to the death like some super fans out there.

    What I Disagree With In The Golf Digest article

    See: The entire piece.

    First, your publication is Golf Digest. Now, I’m no rocket scientist. I dropped out of college second semester freshman year (a really shitty state school at that).

    But I feel like if the name of your publication is Golf Digest. You should be writing about golf. Maybe that’s just me?

    Or something that has to do with golf? Like maybe NFL players who like to golf? Or golf news? Or a 7 Most F*ckable Players On The PGA Tour (damn, I’m going to write that one, myself).

    But to write about not only football, not only a football coach, but then to make a slimy clickbait article (which clearly worked because I clicked on it) to then basically tear down a man because of his house? Get outta here.

    The Rebuttal

    So let’s take this a step further and address the concerns Golf Digest had with Urban Meyer’s home.

    Coffee Table Has Too Many Family Photos

    The coffee table pictured in the article did indeed have a large number of photos, over 20. Which is a lot for one table. But they were all arranged neatly and I have seen some people who incorporate that aesthetic intentionally for entryway tables and coffee tables particularly for formal living spaces that aren’t used frequently.

    Like if someone came into take a pic of my coffee table you would find a hookah, a bowl of cereal milk that Captain Tuxedo the cat is drinking, scratch off lotto tickets, and a rolled up bag of Hot Fries.

    I’d say Urban Meyer has most of us beat.

    The Flower In The Vase Is Ugly

    I am the queen of shit talking but I can’t even with this one. First of all, I didn’t even notice the flower mentioned. Secondly, that’s the best you got to criticize? The flower in the vase was ugly? I. Just. Cannot.

    Couches Have Too Many Patterns

    The couches pictured did in fact feature many patterns. Some I enjoyed, some I would have gone in a different direction. However, to say that someone doesn’t need to work with young people because they have patterned fabric on their sofa? Seriously?

    Also, to whoever wrote this article, clearly you have never been in the homes of the wealthy. You get custom furniture at a certain point where you get to choose the fabric.

    Urban Meyer has been stacking bands for decades, he doesn’t have to go to Ikea to buy what’s on sale to furnish his spot.

    Inflatable Flamingos Floating In Pool

    Meyer was also criticized in the article for having floating flamingos in the pool, like the big, huge inflatable kind. Like the writer goes in on Meyer for this.

    Ummm, welcome to Jacksonville. People have pools here. And we fill them with shit. We are all clearly fucked up. I mean, who in their right mind would put an inflatable pool toy . . . in a pool?

    Inflatable Items I Have Seen In Pools In Jacksonville

    • Inflatable flamingos
    • Inflatable unicorns
    • Inflatable dragon that seats up to ten people
    • Inflatable hot dog
    • Inflatable donut with sprinkles
    • Inflatable turtle

    So, Urban Meyer having inflatable flamingos in his pool, is well, normal here. We have pools. We put inflatable things in the pools. We are also at the beach. Would you like to criticize Meyer for wearing sandals as well?

    Golf Digest May Need To Be More Diligent With Editing

    I understand that golf in general has declining numbers of participants and I can only imagine that has a large impact on the readership or decline of readership Golf Digest may have. It only makes sense that if less people are golfing, less people will read a golf publication.

    I understand Golf Digest deciding to diversify by maybe branching out to other sports coverage or perhaps lifestyle coverage and evergreen pieces.

    What is not cool to me though, is for Golf Digest to promote an article that does nothing but tear another human being down for things like pool toys and having too many pictures on a coffee table.

    The strategy worked, yes, I clicked on the title and read the entire article. But now, I know not to. I know if an article says Golf Digest, I don’t care what the headline is.

    I don’t want to read clickbait and everyone else is tired of it too. It works well once and then people figure out that the articles aren’t about shit. And even if they are, it’s nasty horrible shit like degrading a man and his wife for HAVING TOO MANY PICTURES OF THEIR FAMILY???

    Editors of Golf Digest, if you are trying to diversify and cover topics outside of golf, I feel you, I understand.

    But you would be better served finding other strategies than clickbait and trash talking a man who is already having a tough time career wise. I think that’s what bothers me most. If you want to criticize the man, ok, do it on his job performance or something of relevance. Don’t just trash talk the man’s house.

    Honestly, after this debacle of an expose, I want to demand to see pics of the writer’s house so we can all give an opinion. But it wouldn’t be worth my time. The writer clearly doesn’t like flamingos and that’s too much negativity for me.

    Final Thoughts:

    Saw article on phone that said “We’re extremely disturbed by these photos of Urban Meyer’s home”. I clicked on it thinking I would see hookers, Tupac, Biggie, and a weed farm. I read entire article only to find it is because of too many family photos, couch fabric, and two floating flamingos in a pool.

    The title did what it was supposed to do, lure me in with it’s clickbait promises, only to do nothing like what it promised. Which I was actually ok with.

    But then to viciously attack a man’s home for no reason, just is not cool.

    So your clickbait scheme worked once, but now I know never to click again.

    So much so, that I clicked on the article, read it, wrote this response article, and then linked it here so others could see it.

    But here’s the problem with this strategy. Much like the boy who called wolf when nothing was there, now I won’t click on a piece. Not because of the clickbait fuckery, I could make peace with that.

    What I cannot make peace with is a publication that is trying to profit off of publishing pieces that degrade another human being due to sofa fabric.

    That’s all I have to say about this. And somewhere, if Gardner Minshew is reading this, we miss you in Jacksonville.


    About the author

    Jessica Bugg

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