Dear Donald
Dear Donald

Dear Donald... You're An Idiot for Refusing the Paris Accord

And here are 10 reasons why.

Dear Donald... You're An Idiot for Refusing the Paris Accord

Dear Donald,

I am an American citizen—one of which would have rather voted for a baked potato as president than you. So, I may be biased. I'm not particularly fond of your anti-gay, anti-woman, or anti-poor legislation.

Even so, I have been stoically silent despite resembling everything that you hate. I try not to disrespect the president of my country, as it's something that I just feel goes against patriotism.

But, I can stay silent no more. You see, the way that you've handled the most recent trips around the world, along with the Paris accord, have made me completely and utterly convinced that you are not capable of being president. In fact, you're not even capable of being respected as such.

You're a blithering idiot, the likes of which have not been seen since my ex told me that my eyes are as green as lemons. Seriously, this Paris accord refusal is one of the worst moves you've done yet. Here's why, in 10 simple points.

Everyone in the world hates us now, you idiot.

You're a lot like the one kid that opens up someone else's birthday presents at a party after having begged and pleaded for an invitation, you know that?

You somehow manage to make everyone hate you, to the point that people often wonder whether you do things to raise peoples' hackles on purpose. I'm assuming that it's not on purpose, because you somehow convinced millions to vote for your orange ass.

Of all 180-plus countries that had agreed to help lower pollution and potentially save the planet, you were the only one who had to refuse the stipulations they suggested in such a rude way. You even bragged about it before the official announcement.

Much like the edgy teenager who has to say messed up crap in class to show "they're a badass," you just had to refuse the accord to show "you're the Donald."

Major allies have actually started to talk poorly of you. Angela Merkel, the much-respected leader of Germany, has actually come forth to say that Europe wants to back away from American leadership because of your refusal to abide by climate change help.

China, the only country that could tie with America in terms of commerce, has leader Xi Jinping making a point to tell the world that China will continue with climate talks even if the US does not. In interviews, it's clear that Jinping is embarrassed for America—and to be fair, we here are pretty mortified, too.

You are the first American leader to act like an angsty, attention-seeking kid in a major international conference. It made everyone hate us, and now we're the country that has to "sit alone in the lunch room" on an international level.

Thanks a lot, Trump-o. Couldn't you just listen to Linkin Park at home if you wanted to be edgy instead?

You're toying with global real estate.

You're a real estate investor, right? We've seen the portfolio of resorts and apartments, and to be fair, it's YUUUGE! That's how you got your money, after all.

Okay, so, you're used to dealing with real estate. Do you understand that by refusing to work with the Paris climate talks, you're lowering everyone's real estate value? Not a good look with neighbors, is it?

Would you let black mold grow in Trump Tower indefinitely? Would you let acid rain drop on the statues you own? It's the same concept, on a way bigger size. We all lose here—you included.

Oh, and it's also not like other real estate investments you've made. Unlike the casinos and resorts you open up, you can't just shutter them and move away to another neighborhood if things belly up here.

If you haven't noticed, there are no replacement planets out there. This real estate is the only real estate we got, you idiot.

You basically showed the international community that you have the self-preservation of a dodo.

Ah, yes, the dodo...

The one bird that is so bad at surviving things that its very species became known as a turn of phrase to describe something as extinct. You see, dodos were a lot like you in the sense that they'd gleefully charge straight forward towards certain death.

However, dodos were smarter and less destructive because they were just calmly walking towards hunters. You are walking the entire planet towards environmental doom.

The way you're acting about Paris is also reminiscent of a Disney documentary on lemmings that had the little critters jumping off a cliff. Your followers, of course, would be fellow lemmings.

You know what most people want to see in a world leader? A sense of strength and self-preservation. You have the self-preservation instinct of a dodo, and the leadership skills of a lemming. Good job, bro.

The Paris accord wasn't a diplomatic bargaining chip, you moron.

Your announcement about Paris was all about "being open to returning." Everyone and their grandma noticed that this was an announcement that was supposed to let global leaders know that you're open to negotiating as long as you get "good deals" on whatever you want.

The problem is that you have already gotten the following things royally screwed up:

  • 99.9 percent of the world now hates us. Remember? You made us the angsty loner kids who have to eat lunch alone.
  • You're also forgetting that countries don't want to bend over backwards to us anymore, because you also removed a lot of their services. You put a gag order that removed healthcare from millions of at-risk women, dropped food donations significantly, and also inadvertently insulted a number of major diplomats. You blew your ability to negotiate anything when you did that.
  • Politicians know that doing the bare minimum on a global level just means you don't want to really participate on a global level. This will also mean that trade will be strained, and that they won't even bother asking the US for favors for the international community later on.
  • Whether you and the fellow lemmings are willing to acknowledge it, we have to cut down pollution regardless. All that's happening now is that we are delaying the inevitable or potentially causing the world to end. Not good, and you're a bad hombre for pitching in.

So, no, it wasn't a bargaining chip. If anything, you doing this alienated more people from us than before.

You DO know that there are ways to make environmentalism profitable, right?

There are some really great companies out there that work on sustainable food, sustainable energies, and even sustainable medicines. Everything that is being made can be sustainable, recycled, upcycled, and more. There are plenty of Earth-friendly businesses out there.

Now, knowing your campaign promises, Mr. Trump, you probably did this to bring back jobs.

You do know that most coal miners don't want to mine coal and get black lung, right? They just want to be able to feed their families, get a nice thing once in a while, and have good career. They could get that in a budding environmentally safe career—and they'd probably be at less risk for being exposed to toxic waste.

But no, we need the coal jobs so that we can fund the healthcare industry. We need factory jobs so that the people at FEMA can lose jobs while bigwigs shake hands and give themselves raises. Jobs, jobs, jobs!

(Speaking of, how is that healthcare reform thing going? I'm sure it's a Titanic event!)

This also could scare away moderates.

I'm assuming that there may be at least five or six people who were moderate voters that chose you over Hillary for one reason or another. No, I don't know why. Maybe they were drunk and hit the wrong button. I really don't know.

I'm also pretty sure they don't want to vote you in for another term after this, the anti-poor laws you've voted in, and the new job losses that have been posted this month.

This also actually has set a record in terms of presidential leadership.

Articles are calling this the biggest failure on the books in terms of American leadership. We're the country that's supposed to lead the world in terms of freedom, equality, and justice.

Most of your voters, even in the red states, want us to stay in the Paris accord. You didn't bother listening to your voting base, and rather blatantly ignored what your own people want us to do as a nation.

Unfortunately, this turkey of a move has shown that the Leader of the Free World is acting like a self-centered dictator. You're not the head of some 70s junta, you're the president of the US. Sadly, it's getting really hard to see the difference.

Did you notice that America is now scared about the direction our country is going in?

Most online forums are talking about the rise of World War III, the uptick in neo-Nazi ideals, and the terrifying way that police are rounding up immigrants and expelling them. Americans are scared and you are the one who is scaring them.

Doing sabre-rattling on a regular basis isn't really helping us allay our fears. Instead of calming us down, you're making Americans search for 50s homes that have built-in bomb shelters.

Speaking of which, it's worth appreciating how screwed up our political scene is. The Cold War ended in the 1990s. We used to joke about fearing "Commies" in class back in 2004. It's 2017, we're fearing KGB agents again, and that means you have set us back another 60 years in terms of national confidence.

The problem with scaring people is that this will eventually lead to civil unrest, provocation, and riots. So, stop scaring your voters, you twit!

Did you also notice which countries sided with you?

To be fair, you weren't the only person who openly admitted they didn't want to sign the treaty. You also had two other edgelord countries that decided they were too cool to try to save the planet: Syria and Nicaragua.

Even friggin' North Korea agreed to this climate deal.

Wait, scratch that—there was just one that agreed with your stance. Nicaragua didn't sign because it "wasn't tough enough," and actually already is working towards exceeding most of the standards set forth in the accord.

That leaves us with Syria, the country we've been bombing and sending troops to. See the issue here?

You disagreed with all the smartest scientists in the world.

Elon Musk and just about every single Silicon Valley supergenius has warned you against doing this. Your own advisor, Musk, has threatened to quit if you walked away from Paris.

It's safe to say major tech businesses will probably walk away from you and the US as a result of your idiocy this time around. This will likely shatter our robust tech industry, and will likely mean that any smart people around you will leave.

You were supposed to drain the swamp, not pollute the air. Oh well, I guess it's all we could expect from a guy like you.

Cato Conroy
Cato Conroy
Read next: New Mexico—It's like a State, like All the Others!
Cato Conroy

Cato Conroy is a Manhattan-based writer who yearns for a better world. He loves to write about politics, news reports, and interesting innovations that will impact the way we live.

See all posts by Cato Conroy