Ephrata Police Department: Protect and Serve... Themselves?

Ah, Ephrata. A town where the mission of the local police department reads like it was plagiarized from a superhero comic book but delivered with the finesse of a second-rate sitcom. Let’s dive into the absurdity of their actions and see just how well they live up to their lofty promises.

First, let’s talk about Officer Garver, the epitome of enthusiasm — if enthusiasm meant a total disinterest in doing his job. When you reported your mother’s small-time heist of $35,000 (you know, just enough to buy a decent car or make a down payment on a house), Garver decided it wasn’t worth his time. Maybe he was busy polishing his badge or perhaps he was too engrossed in a riveting game of Solitaire. Either way, investigating a significant theft was clearly not on his to-do list. To him, $35,000 is apparently chump change, not worth the effort it takes to fill out a police report. It's as if he’s living in an alternate universe where theft only matters if it involves a Hollywood heist.

Next up, we have Officer Ohamlin, who’s redefining what it means to be “hands-off.” When you told him about your stolen tables sitting inside your mother’s van, he declared it “not criminal” and said he had “no authority to get involved.” Ah, yes, the classic “it’s not my problem” stance. This must be a new training module at the Ephrata Police Academy: "How to Avoid Work While Still Collecting a Paycheck." It’s baffling how a crime involving stolen property can be dismissed so easily. Maybe Officer Ohamlin moonlights as a magician and thought the tables would just disappear on their own. In the real world, though, citizens expect their police force to, you know, do something when a crime is reported.

And let’s not forget the pièce de résistance: arresting an unsheltered man for sleeping in public. Because clearly, the real threat to Ephrata’s safety is a guy catching some Z’s on a park bench. Maybe they thought he was part of an elaborate sleeper cell — pun intended. Meanwhile, folks can steal thousands of dollars without so much as a slap on the wrist. The Ephrata PD’s priorities are as twisted as a pretzel at a county fair. It's a classic case of "tough on napping, soft on crime." It’s like they’re running a game of “Criminal Mad Libs” where they fill in the blanks with the most absurd scenarios possible.

Now, let’s juxtapose these stellar performances with their mission statement: "to guard the life, property, and constitutional rights of all." Right, because nothing says “protecting property” like ignoring a $35,000 theft. And “constitutional rights”? Let’s talk about that unsheltered man again. Arresting someone for the crime of not having a home seems like a creative interpretation of “compassion and respect for all.” If irony were an Olympic sport, Ephrata PD would be bringing home the gold.

The Ephrata Police Department’s mission also claims they provide "professional police services" and enforce the law with "compassion and respect for all." Given the evidence, it seems like they’ve got a rather loose definition of both compassion and professionalism. Professional services? Only if by professional you mean professionally avoiding doing their job. Compassion? Sure, if it’s compassionately ignoring grand larceny and stolen property while cracking down on the heinous crime of public sleeping.

The cherry on top of this farce is the department's pledge to ensure "a safe and secure community." Well, unless you're reporting theft, in which case you’re on your own. This magical realm of safety and security must be reserved for those who commit minor infractions like jaywalking or, apparently, catching some sleep in public. It’s a place where major theft is ignored, but heaven help you if you take a nap in a park.

Ephrata PD’s idea of “professional police services” involves cherry-picking which laws to enforce based on convenience and whim. It’s almost as if they have a dartboard back at the station labeled “Today’s Priorities.” Theft? Nah. Stolen property? Meh. Sleeping in public? Bullseye! This haphazard approach is not just a failure in law enforcement but a slap in the face to the community they’re supposed to serve.

Let’s get real for a moment. The role of the police is to uphold the law fairly and consistently, not to decide on a whim which crimes matter and which don’t. It’s to protect and serve everyone, not just those who fit into a convenient narrative or who don’t challenge their comfort zone. When a police department starts picking and choosing based on what’s easiest or most politically expedient, it’s not just a failure of duty; it’s a betrayal of public trust.

Ephrata PD, it’s time to step up your game. If you’re going to slap such grandiose claims on your mission statement, maybe try living up to them. Start with the basics: investigate reported crimes, protect the vulnerable, and apply the law equally. Until then, you’re just another punchline in the long, tragic comedy of local law enforcement. And trust me, nobody’s laughing.