You won't feel lonely anymore

I believe we are currently facing a significant crisis of loneliness. It has become increasingly common for people to grapple with feelings of isolation. In fact, approximately one in three individuals report having few or no friends, experiencing a sense of disconnection from those around them. If you find yourself in this situation, feeling lonely, rest assured that you're not alone. Loneliness is a more prevalent experience than you might imagine, and over the last decade, it has been on the rise without showing any signs of abating. Loneliness affects a wide spectrum of individuals, from the elderly who lack social interactions to young adults who isolate themselves. No one is immune.

But why is loneliness a problem, and why should we care? It's essential to recognize that loneliness is a form of social pain, akin to rejection, exclusion, heartbreak, or losing a loved one. However, when people discuss these experiences, they often treat the pain as metaphorical. For instance, a breakup may feel emotionally distressing, but it's not considered real pain, right? Yet, this perspective is not entirely accurate.

In 2002, a compelling study by Matthew Lieberman and his team shed light on the physical and emotional aspects of social pain. Participants were placed in fMRI scanners and engaged in a virtual ball-tossing game. They believed they were playing with two other individuals over the internet, but those "players" were actually computer programs. After a while, the computer-controlled players stopped including the real participant in the game, effectively excluding them. This exclusion led to significant emotional responses, ranging from depression to anger.

What's fascinating is the brain data collected during this experiment. When participants were included in the game, the same brain regions associated with physical pain were active. Moreover, the more participants reported feeling bad about being excluded, the stronger the response in these pain-related brain regions. This evidence demonstrates that social pain is not merely metaphorical; it triggers the same brain areas as physical pain. Remarkably, administering Tylenol, a common pain reliever, alleviated these effects, highlighting the connection between physical and social pain.

Loneliness should not be underestimated because people in pain tend to perceive the world pessimistically. Have you ever walked in the woods, only to jump back thinking you saw a snake, when it was just a harmless stick? Lonely individuals perceive these metaphorical "snakes" frequently, viewing their social interactions more negatively. This defensive mindset leads them to build emotional barriers and avoid social interactions, unknowingly perpetuating their loneliness. It becomes a self-reinforcing cycle, and the longer one remains trapped, the harder it is to break free.

However, our capacity to experience loneliness serves an essential purpose. Throughout much of human history, loneliness signaled a risk of death. In close-knit communities, ostracism from the group often meant a grim fate. Thus, we developed the feeling of loneliness as a survival mechanism, encouraging us to connect with others, increasing our chances of survival. Removing the trigger for loneliness would be akin to eradicating hunger and thirst, as it signifies unmet social needs.

In our contemporary society, survival doesn't hinge on social connections as it once did. Nevertheless, it's crucial to heed the loneliness signal. Occasional feelings of loneliness are normal and not problematic. The issue arises when loneliness becomes chronic. Studies have revealed that chronic loneliness can elevate the risk of heart disease by 29% and the risk of stroke by 32%. Surprisingly, it can be deadlier than obesity and as harmful as smoking a pack of cigarettes daily. So, even if you're taking excellent care of your physical health through exercise, nutrition, and sleep, neglecting your social needs can still harm your well-being.

It's important to differentiate between being alone and feeling lonely. Some individuals find solitude fulfilling and enjoy their own company, while others may feel lonely even in the midst of a social crowd. Loneliness is not solely about the absence of people but rather a sense of disconnection from others, an unfulfilled desire for meaningful social interactions. Additionally, loneliness varies from person to person, influenced by factors like introversion and extroversion. What matters most is finding connections that align with your unique needs and feel meaningful to you. Comparing yourself to others or turning friendship into a competition serves no purpose.

Now, what has led to the sharp increase in loneliness over the past decade? Several factors are at play, but four major ones stand out: limited time, limited energy, easy access to technology, and the rise of social media.

Firstly, modern life is perpetually busy, leaving little time for social interactions. Many prioritize productivity over socializing, especially if they are pursuing ambitious goals that do not necessarily require socializing for success.

Secondly, after a demanding day at work or school, individuals may lack the energy for social interactions and may prefer solitude to recharge. Additionally, socializing can be draining, especially if one has already interacted with others throughout the day.

Thirdly, the accessibility of technology has transformed our lives. While it has simplified many aspects, it has also made us less reliant on in-person interactions. We can now easily find information, directions, and entertainment online, reducing the need for face-to-face communication.

Lastly, the prevalence of social media has altered our patterns of social interaction. We are constantly online, but social media often encourages us to present idealized versions of our lives. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy when comparing ourselves to others' curated, happy moments. Moreover, online interactions tend to be less authentic and may not fulfill our deeper social needs.

Given these factors, how can we combat loneliness? Firstly, we should aim to reduce our screen time. Social media and online interactions can serve as substitutes for face-to-face interactions but are not as fulfilling. It's essential to use technology intentionally rather than allowing it to dominate our lives.

Secondly, we should invest time and energy into deliberate socialization. Friendships and social lives require maintenance, but this is a concept often overlooked. While some friendships naturally form through proximity, maintaining them requires effort, especially as we age and take on more responsibilities. Meaningful friendships develop over time through shared experiences, and neglecting them can result in their dissolution.

Reaching out to old friends, even if the friendship has faded, can be a valuable step. Many people appreciate hearing from old friends but hesitate to initiate contact. Taking the first step can rekindle old connections and eliminate the "what if" regrets.

Furthermore, we can make an effort to form new friendships by participating in activities we genuinely enjoy. It's crucial to choose activities and environments that align with our interests rather than forcing ourselves into situations where we feel out of place. Pursuing hobbies and interests can lead to meaningful connections.

However, it's essential to avoid forcing friendships merely to combat loneliness. Toxic relationships and friendships can be more harmful than loneliness itself. In some cases, it may be necessary to sever ties with people who make us miserable. Quality matters more than quantity when it comes to friendships.

In the pursuit of success, many individuals may find themselves on a lonelier path, as it often requires significant sacrifices. However, it's worth noting that numerous successful individuals later realize that their achievements did not bring the happiness they expected. Strong social bonds are one of the most significant predictors of happiness and well-being. Regrets of not maintaining friendships or working too hard are common among those at the end of their lives.

In conclusion, it's up to each individual to decide the value of friendship and social connections in their lives. While success may lead some down a solitary path, it's essential to recognize the importance of maintaining meaningful relationships. Loneliness is a genuine issue, and addressing it requires deliberate effort and prioritizing social connections alongside other aspects of life. Ultimately, the quality of our social bonds plays a crucial role in our overall well-being and happiness.