You Can't Change a Narcissist

Do not expect the narcissist to be something other than he/she is. Are you projecting your good values on the narcissist? The narcissist is nothing like you, any more than a crocodile is like a rabbit.

Narcissists are built differently.

Narcissism, on the pathological end of the spectrum, is ingrained in their personality.

Personality is the foundation of who a person is. Defined as “the combination of characteristics or qualities that form an individual’s distinctive character.”

Studies show that personality construct begins in early childhood. Babies/ toddlers rely on cognitive schemas, or mental blueprints, that help them organize information and make sense of the world around them.

These blueprints essentially help the child to identify how things work. Genetics and/or a lousy upbringing definitely can impact the blueprints.

The maladaptation in development that shapes the narcissistic personality disorder is typically trauma-based.

Disconnection- emotional deprivation, inhibition, mistrust, social isolation, and a sense of defectiveness (shame)

Impaired autonomy- subjugation, dependence, failure to achieve, vulnerability to harm, abandonment, enmeshment

Impaired limits- lack of self-control, feels overly entitled

Exaggerated standards

The narcissist most likely did not have a healthy upbringing. As unfortunate as that may be, there is no salvation. The damage is done. They are who they are.

You can attempt to make all reasonable conversation to sort matters out with the narcissist. You can talk until you’re blue in the face. You’ve tried in a hundred ways on a hundred days to get through to them; to pierce the narcissist’s armor. Constantly showing them genuine love, empathy, and compassion. And you can’t get through.

Because what you are looking for is not there. What you are hoping to summon in them does not exist.

The narcissist is an empty shell.

While the narc’s capacity for hurting others is dire, he possesses no conscience. So, what’s to stop him from causing pain, chaos, and strife? He lacks the moral compass that would stop a healthy neurotypical person from causing such harm.

There is no remorse. Just cold empty shells.

The narcissist’s being is entirely constructed of pathological defense mechanisms. Narcs are maladaptive, neuroatypical, emotionally stunted, black holes. There is no love inside of them. The narcissist simply cannot reciprocate genuine affection.

Because nothing about the narcissist is genuine. He/she is a complete facade.

For someone who loves a narcissist, it can be difficult to cognitively absorb these cold harsh facts. You want to see the humanity in them. And this is because of who you are. Not because of the evidence!

We’ve all been raised on fairy tales and romantic comedies where love conquers all. In this case, the happily-ever-after just isn’t possible. To continue to strive in hopes of turning a crocodile into a rabbit or a narcissist into a healthy partner is delusional. I’ve done this. I’ve exhausted all efforts trying to turn fantasy into reality.

Why do we do this? Why do we go round and round in these toxic relationships? Why do we refuse to see the crocodile standing before us?

Each person has their own lens with which they view reality. We often see things as we are- not as they are.

Just as the narcissist projects his venom and turmoil onto you- you are simultaneously subconsciously projecting your good character onto him. You expect him to care. You want basic respect. You recognize how unhealthy this is.

You don’t want to play these games. But understand, he does.

The abuse the narcissist inflicts upon others comes as natural to them as breathing. Narcissists do not have the capacity for empathy. Therefore, the narcissist will continue to leave a path of destruction wherever he/she goes.

Narcissistic personality disorder cannot be cured.

Their evil patterns will persist.

No amount of one-way love and loyalty offered to them can fix their core personality. The narcissist is an empty black well you can pour your heart and soul into only to come out with nothing.

The more you give, the more they will take.

The more powerful they will feel. And the more weak you will become, as they energetically siphon you.

Narcissistic abuse is deeply damaging. Avoid these personalities at all costs. Throw in the towel. They are not you, and you are not them. Cut your losses.

You deserve reciprocal love, trust, respect, and so much more.