Withdrawals

Let me tell you what happens when you think you have found something good. You cherish it. You spend your days thinking about it. You rely on it. You crave it.

It is a sick fascination. . . addiction.

Mine comes not in the form of drug or alcohol like many used to think not even a decade ago when you used the term.

No.

That would have been too easy.

Of course I would have my addiction be food. The one thing that you would arguably say you need to survive. This life necessity will now be the one thing that kills me. Or could if I let it get too far.

I may have. Everyone tells me to quiet the voices that whisper to me in the dead of night telling me that my stomach is empty. It needs something to gnaw and it refuses to be satisfied til the morning. To ignore the cravings to eat every greasy, fast-food item on the menu because it should be that easy.

It should.

For them it is. It becomes my biggest resentment. I hate that they find it so easy to eat and move on. To them it is just a reminder to fuel up for the day. For me, it is a call to gorge myself until there is no other feeling left in me but the slight pain of overeating.

But of course the problem would not stop there. These voices, for lack of a better description (it is midnight as I am writing this so I feel as if a pass may be necessary) are in my head saying to eat the items that I am allergic to. They convince me that it is good.

I give in.

Keep in mind that consists of most foods. But what do I do? I eat because I have no self-restraint. It feels better than the alternative.

Immediate gratification.

That is what every doctor would tell me when I went to get help. I would grind my teeth and nod, seemingly satisfied with the answer that they gave me.

Do you not think I do not know that?! I want to shout at them in response.

But I never do. It would only cement the case that I was irregular. Not normal for having this craving. After all, in the real world people do not deal with these kinds of issues at all right?

Who knows anymore. Even as I type these words into existence I know that most of the world is fast asleep. They do not have to fear the morning light and seeing that each and every night they are unable to even get a mere 2-3 hours of sleep. They do not fear having to walk into a grocery store in case there is a lack of self-control. They do not look down in shame for suggesting eating out even once that week.

Maybe it is something that is freaky. As much as I wish that there are other people out there who know what it is I deal with, I also don't.

No one should have to feel this pain.

Yet, I would bet that many do. If you are out there know that you are heard. We may have different cases, different backstories, different details of our struggle, but we are not alone.

I dream of a day where the world will be willing to talk and open up. No longer stay silent on the hard issues. No longer shut others down because it is the easy solution.

May we stand for each other and listen.

I thank you so much for listening to a diary entry from the heart tonight! I have been struggling through a food addiction and while this piece is accurate to what I am feeling in the moment, know that there is always a hope!

I have great family and friends surrounding me and I am pushing through to get over this. This is something that I will need to beat if for nothing else than my health. I am so grateful for all the lessons that this journey has taught me.

If you want to see more fun bookish content and writing vlogs as I take you through my life and process as a writer please do check out my channel!

I also have a pinterest!

Any tips, while greatly appreciated are not mandatory, go back into the making of this channel and future projects that will be revealed in a few months.