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Why we should all be going on dates with ourselves

It's time to get to know the best partner we could ever have

By Jenny Kavanagh Published 4 years ago 5 min read
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Why we should all be going on dates with ourselves
Photo by Pablo Merchán Montes on Unsplash

For the past few months I've been seeing someone new. I met her after we discovered our shared interest in poetry. She's loving, kind and caring. She really 'gets me' like no one ever has before. And dates with her have been a breeze.

We don't do anything elaborate. We cook something delicious, set the table with a glass of wine and flowers, and eat together. We read books or poetry, we watch films, we do yoga.

Honestly though, what I love most is just talking to her. Getting to know her. That's the real purpose behind dating, isn't it?

And getting to know her has improved my life significantly.

Because she is me.

Okay, I get it. This may sound a little odd at first. A date with yourself? But humour me for a minute, and ask yourself this question:

How well do you know yourself, really?

If you're anything like me, the answer is probably not as well as you'd like to. And here's another question:

Is there anything you hate about yourself? Are you ashamed of any of your past actions? Is there anything you still beat yourself up about, night after night?

Would you feel the same way if it was your best friend who had that quality, or who made that mistake? Your sister? Your partner?

These questions, and the answers I personally gave to them, are behind the two major reasons I think most of us would benefit from 'dating' ourselves:

Many of us do not really know who we are.

It's easy, very easy, to live our lives never really considering who we are and what we want. We go to school because, well, that's what people do. Perhaps we slack off, because our friends do that and it's cool. Perhaps we study hard, because our parents want us to.

As we get older, a great many of us keep to this pattern. We go to university, if that's what's expected of us. Or don't, if it's not. We get a job people expect us to get, or one that pleases our parents or our partner or makes enough money for us to by the things we're told we should want. Even our hobbies are often dictated by who we're friends with and not by what we truly love.

We never really pause to ask: is this really what we want? Who we are? What we enjoy? And if we get close to asking that question, we often draw back, afraid of the truth.

By going on 'dates' with ourselves, we create a relaxing, joyful and safe way to explore what we really want. To truly get to know ourselves.

Ordinarily the process of asking these difficult questions can seem daunting, but by choosing fun date activities we enjoy (and over time tailoring them more and more to what we realise we really enjoy) we can make the whole experience seem new and exciting. By seeing ourselves as being two individuals- the 'us' who we are and the 'us' we are dating, we take some of the pressure off of ourselves to be who we think we should be, and are instead able to listen to what we want more compassionately, without fearing that it is somehow 'wrong'.

Many of harbour hate, resentment or shame towards ourselves.

Have you ever been peacefully on the edge of sleep, tucked under a warm blanket in a comfortable bed, tired from a long day and looking forward to getting some rest, only to have a half remembered event from years ago return to torment you? Have you ever proceeded to lay there for hours, restlessly tossing and turning as you berate yourself for your actions and think about all the ways you could've done better?

And is there anything you think is bad about yourself? A quality you just dislike, or even hate? Perhaps it's a physical feature, or a habit, or a personality trait. You're always trying to correct it but feel as if you're never doing well enough. You're never good enough.

We hold ourselves to impossibly high, perfectionistic standards. Standards that we do not hold others to. 'Dating' ourselves allows us to step outside of ourselves for a moment, examine who we are and what we do as if we were examining another, and thus escape these standards.

This is a massive benefit of 'dating' ourselves. It naturally involves seeing who we are from the perspective of an outsider. The result of this is that we feel more able to forgive this person who we are and to understand and love their flaws.

This sort of deep discussion usually comes out late into a 'date', or after a few 'dates' have already happened. There's absolutely no need to try to force it before it feels natural. But when it does happen, we find ourselves more able to love and forgive and love our soft, fragile, vulnerable yet remarkably resilient selves.

Okay, but how do I date myself? I mean... I'm me!

You may be wondering how any of this is possible. Am I expecting people to sit down and just... talk to themselves?

No- or at least, not unless that's what you feel comfortable doing. Instead, you can talk in your head or you can use a journal to ask and answer your questions, and have a conversation. You may even prefer to write it into a short story or poem, if all of the above still feel too strange for you.

Try to find date-like activities to do alongside this. Things you really enjoy, that feel like indulgences. Block out a few hours and don't let people interrupt you unless it's for something that you would let interrupt a real date.

This seems like a lot of time to waste on talking to myself.

Perhaps, but the benefits are numerous, and will probably save time overall! Think about how much time you spend trying to psych yourself up to do things, or trying to correct things that you think are 'wrong' with you.

If you take this time to get to know yourself, you'll stop wasting time trying to change the things that make you awesome and you'll start feeling more confident! As well as that, if you're anything like me you'll find you're more productive, calmer, less stressed and sleep better too!

In my next couple of articles I'm going to go into some more detail about the benefits of dates with ourselves, and give some ideas for the types of activities a date with yourself might include. Thanks for reading, and enjoy getting to know the wonderful human being that is you!

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About the Creator

Jenny Kavanagh

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