Why Did You Abandon Me?

We met when I was the delicate age of 13. I loved that you liked me. After enduring a childhood of being alone most of the time, I took your companionship to mean more than it did. That's how early my desperate need for love and attention began, at least as far as I can remember. Or maybe that's just the first time I found someone to fill that void, even though I wasn't aware that that's what I needed at the time.

You were three years older than me. We were good for a while. We started off good friends and then became lovers. You were my first. Despite knowing you were messing with my emotions by being involved with other girls at the same time, blowing me off, and treating me like shit, I was still too attached. I was blind. You were a part of some of the worst years of my life. By this point I was 16. That's when you really let me down.

We hung out, smoked weed, and got "romantic." I was menstruating so I couldn't enjoy it but you had no problem letting me do you a sexual favor. I was reluctant given how young, vulnerable, and inexperienced I was but I did it anyway. You held my head down and I hated that. It was a miserable experience in a strange environment. It was not romantic in the slightest. Then you finished.

Afterward we found a bench and sat. I can't quite remember what we were doing, whether we were waiting for someone or just hanging out. Either way, your attitude had shifted. I wanted to sit close to you and snuggle but you were bitter and had the nerve to ask me to move over, as in away from you. You seemed upset with me. You were paranoid that someone was in a nearby car and watching us. Why that would have mattered, I didn't understand. You said you had to pee, and around the corner you went.

Half an hour later I was a bit concerned. No pee break should have taken that long. I looked around the corner you turned and you were nowhere to be seen. Still I waited on the bench. One hour later I was worried. The worst part is, I was mostly worried that something bad had happened to you. I was so foolish. I had called you over one hundred times but you wouldn't answer. Then you turned your phone off, I assume. If I remember correctly, two hours may have passed by the time I decided to call my mom. I was hysterical. I was afraid to leave the vicinity of the bench because I didn't know where I was and that was the wisest thing I had done all day. At one point I found myself in a pizza place because it had started to rain. I was crying my eyes out and the man behind the counter asked if I was okay. If only he knew what I had been through that night. My memory is hazy after that point but I kept calling you and your phone was still off. Finally my mom showed up. I can't imagine how she must have felt. I didn't tell her the nature of the things we did together, but I'm sure she knew. All that mattered was that you left her 16 year- old daughter sitting on a bench in a strange town.

My mom had given me a hard time about letting me see you since you lived an hour away from me. She also knew about the emotional turmoil you had put me through before this point. She was right to be hesitant to let me see you. Her intuition must have been at work. I was broken and let down. I never heard from you again. You damaged me more than I realized. I spent the next few years hating and cutting myself. That whole time I never realized you contributed to those feelings, albeit subconsciously.

Maybe someday I'll forgive you. But for now, I write.