Why Codependency is a B*tch

Codependency isn't cute.

It isn't just being clingy or needy or loving someone with your whole being. It's the painful need for someone else to supply you with the happiness, reassurance and comfort you need to get by. It's relinquishing the power of your independence to someone else. It's the loss of control over your own feelings. It's not a good feeling to feel like you need someone else in order to survive. It's unhealthy and it's been the bane of my existence since as long as I existed.

I've been stuck in a loop of one codependent relationship after another for as long as I can remember. First, it was my mother. I swore that if she died, I would kill myself because I was so sure I couldn't live without her. Then, when she had a mental breakdown and could no longer be what I needed, it was my best friend. My days revolved around her and her alone as I waited by my laptop for hours on end for her to return so that I could press unpause on my life and go on living. After her, it was my boyfriend. I became self aware after the painful separation of me and my best friend, but still. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt like an elephant sitting on my chest when he goes and does something without me. For fuck's sake, I find myself jealous of his computer at times when he gives it more attention than me. I'm trying not to be this way, but it's hard. It's all I've ever known.

I remember a conversation with said boyfriend many months back, when I felt like this codependency thing I'm all too familiar with was sure to become a problem once again.

We were lying in bed.

"I don't want to feel like I need you. I don't want you to be all that I have. It's not healthy, for you or for me." I wiped some of the tears from my cheeks before they could drip onto his shirt, my arms clung tight around his neck as he held me in what felt like a life-sustaining embrace.

He giggled, actually giggled at this. "I can't think of a single problem with that." He breathed me in and I could feel him smiling into my shoulder.

"But I can. I've been here before and it's too painful to be apart once I'm codependent on someone. It's not cute and it's not right that I won't want you to have a life outside of me."

He kissed my temple and smoothed down my hair as I sucked in yet another wet breath. "Shh. It's fine. I don't care. I'd do anything for you and I'd never get sick of having you around. You're so cute."

At that point, I gave up. Succumbed to my tears and held my tongue. He just didn't get it. He couldn't see where this was all headed and I couldn't form the words to make him see what I knew was coming. My feelings live inside me, heavy and tangible enough for me to visit daily like family. But he couldn't see them or feel them the way I could.

To him, it must have sounded like a good thing. A girl who loves you so much that they always want you around, someone who will always be there for you, someone who will do anything for you and who is truly happy to have you, who lights up the moment you walk in the door and who gives you her full attention the majority of the time. Like having a dog that can carry a conversation.

Only, I'm not a dog and when you leave me home alone, I can't shit in your shoe. All I can do is dwell in the anxiety that you're never coming back or that you're having more fun without me, surely. When you return, it's not the cute lapdog you left behind. In its place, you'll find a snarling Rottweiler, ready to tear your head off since I know no other way of unleashing my pent up feelings. I've been described before as a grenade. I have to agree.

I understand that the way I form attachments to those I love is far from healthy. That being said, try as I might, I can't seem to break away from the cycle. It repeats itself on someone new, even after the codependency inevitably takes that very relationship away from me that I felt like I needed in the first place.

And take it does. Codependency is a greedy whore. She's not just happy taking your sanity and replacing it with near constant unease as you try to predict and anticipate the person you love's every need and move and thought. In the end, she's also going to play the sickest joke of all on you and take that person from you too, leaving you alone and broken, flapping your wings about like a hapless bird, unable to fly alone without the knowledge that there's someone from the flock waiting for you back in the nest.

I long for the freedom of clearing up my current codependency. I don't want to feel shaky and scared and betrayed any time I'm left without. At the root of it all, I AM an independent person. I make my best decisions alone, I'm an introvert at heart, and at work I do my own thing, happily unattached to anyone and everyone. But as soon as I get home, the feelings return like shackles. Life cannot revolve around coddling me. You will grow to resent me or you will wish to escape.

He thinks he won't.

Now that. That is cute.