Who Needs a Therapist When (Pt. 23)
Hope Never Dies (Even When It Should)
I'm applying for jobs, right? Because I legitimately cannot stay at the one that I am at. Because I need to be an adult for a little while, and I need to find something stable. I need a job where I will always know that I will have health insurance. I need a work week that is the same every week. I need a career that has somewhere to go. Because I'm sick of being poor and trying to make the impossible be financially fungible. It isn't. Because I need a job where I don't have to worry about talking to people every day and letting my social meter slowly degrade while I neglect friendships and relationships.
Which is fine. I haven't had a lot of responses from employers yet, but I've also been super picky about the jobs I was applying for. At least at first. But I'm not being so picky anymore, and I'm not hearing from these jobs. Which in itself is a little worrisome, but fine.
But this last week, I finally had an interview for a teaching position. Well, an adjunct, three-week stint, teaching a single class. And I had another interview to be added to another teaching pool.
And I both really want and really, really don't want any of this.
I want to teach. I have gone to school for teaching. I have spent hundreds of hours making stupid syllabi and teaching statements and course materials. I want it. A lot. I want it enough to go back to school and do the grad school life thing.
But this is literally the worst timing for teaching to happen. Because this wouldn't be a full-time position. This would be one class here, and then another class there. This would be supplemental income of the worst and most intermittent kind, where I would need strange availability and frequent changes, and I would never know how many classes I'd have in a month until we were in that month itself.
But I want it. I want to teach, and this is the path to teaching. Well, I mean, it is the path that doesn't include full-time teaching and full-time schooling at the same time. But I can't afford to stay at my current job through the fall semester. I am going to murder someone if I am still here in August. And I can't go back to waiting or coffee or any of the other types of food service jobs that would enable me to have that sort of flexibility.
So, what do I even do with this? I mean, obviously, I am going to teach this Excel class starting next week. I need the money, and it isn't like I have a lot of other offers right now.
But this complicates everything moving forward. I was supposed to be done with this. I was supposed to be grieving the life I wanted and moving on like a healthy adult.
And instead, I'm trapped between wanting a dumb thing and moving toward a smart thing. Because I can't in good conscious turn down any interviews or job offers for a more stable situation. And I don't want to. I just want there to be a way for me to still do this teaching thing after I've started whatever grownup job comes.
Hope is stupid. It isn't there when I need to be getting out of bed, and it is there when it needs to fuck off and leave me to my ordinary life of peace.
Anyway. On the plus side, I get to teach an advanced Excel class over the next three weeks, so you can be damn sure that my Excel game is going to be on point for whatever job comes after.
Last Week's (Pt. 22)
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